22 December 2006

Christmas movies that don't suck

I'm not a big fan of Christmas movies, which seem to fall into two categories:

-the kind that attempt to pull at your heartstrings
-the kind that want to enlighten you as to the "true meaning of Christmas" (which is almost always that giving is better than receiving)

I finally figured out that a lot of my anti-Christmas spirit comes from growing up in South Florida. The whole prepackaged Christmas holiday ideal just didn't apply to us there. We didn't have snow - it was the tropics! So you can forget the whole chestnuts on an open fire, white Christmas, winter wonderland, etc. etc. etc. It was kind of annoying to have to hear all that stuff. Let alone SEE it. Over and over again. Every Christmas.

But I do admit to having a slight bit of the ole Christmas spirit (and not the kind you find in Uncle Jed's eggnog). There are two Christmas movies I could watch year after year and be happy. One of them actually gets quoted by me throughout the year.

Veggie Tales: The Toy That Saved Christmas

I quote one line from this movie whenever I'm out with the kids and something goes awry. "Mousetrap. (pause) I wanted to play Mousetrap. You roll your dice, you move your mice. Nobody gets hurt."
Even though this one attempts to do the whole "true meaning of Christmas" thing, it almost mocks itself in doing it, which makes it OK. Plus there's selfish kids, a highly marketed toy with a buzzsaw for an arm, and penguins.

A Charlie Brown Christmas

Ah, the old standby. Yeah, the beginning music is enough to make you want to slit your wrists. Yeah, the animation and sound quality give away its 1965 creation. But there's just SOMETHING about this one that gives it staying power 41 years later. I freely admit to just basking in childlike joy when Linus steps out on stage and tells everyone what Christmas is all about. The cynic in me takes a small vacation, and I've come to terms with that.

Share your favorites, if you wish.

21 December 2006

A dirty little word


That's a word that gets tossed around, usually by smiling faces who seem as if they've never had a rough moment in their lives. It's hard for some of us to even imagine being joyous ever, let alone possessing a life-long joy. But what, exactly, is Joy?

A quick glance at dictionary.com (What, you thought I was going to quote Webster's?) gives us a few definitions. The first is what you'd suspect: a rapturous or elated state of being. But it's the other one I care about: a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated.

THIS kind of joy is what gets me through life. My life, as Morrissey claims, is a pigsty most of the time. But I possess that second kind of joy. I have four children, a couple of people I'd refer to as intimate friends and, most importantly, I have the hope of heaven. It is great joy!

That's why when I was having a really crappy the other day, I was able to turn on the Newsboys' Joy and still relate.

You give me joy that's unspeakable
And I like it, and I like it
Your love for me's irresistable
I can't fight it, I can't fight it

19 December 2006

Looks like I picked the wrong week...

Airplane! has some great quotes. One of the funniest running jokes in the movie is the endless list of things Lloyd Bridges' character has just quit. He keeps saying "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit..."

-sniffing glue

Today I just wanted to say, "Looks like I picked the wrong day to START..." I have several things but the biggest one is "taking estrogen."

I spent the entire day nauseous and in tears.

And today was the day I had to go sell my old house, which was another thing to grieve over (the loss of a dream). I also had to see my ex which is never fun.

I hate crying. I'm not a big cryer. But apparently hormones will do this to me. I need to just curl up in bed with an old war movie or something and cry my eyes out over the poor pilots who miss home.

18 December 2006


Today I feel ugly, fat and stupid.

Ugly: my skin's broken out and my hair won't do what it's supposed to.

Fat: I gained some weight back when I broke my foot (no more yoga or cardio stuff) and I'm also swollen. So I stepped on the scale at the dr's office today and neither she nor I liked what we saw. Blech. Time for some miracle diet.

Stupid: If you ever want to feel like an idiot, go to physical therapy. I can't move my foot the right way. It looks so easy, and I can't do it.

(and yes, I realize intellectually that my foot is damaged and this is retraining. But darn it, I still feel dumb!)

Oh, and I get to look forward to feeling pregnant. My doctor put me on hormones. This means I will now have morning sickness. Yay.

All I really want to do is binge on chocolate. But that would make everything worse.
If you've got a good joke or some way to cheer me up, leave me a comment or email me at devouthypocrite@gmail.com

Returning the favor:
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!

What did the grape say when a man stepped on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little whine/wine.

16 December 2006

this amused me

I was doing one of those ipod/itunes shuffle things where you play songs and press "next" to answer the questions. This one just sorta made me chuckle. Post yours in comments if you want!

How am I feeling today?
world full of nothing - depeche mode (true, true)

Will I get far in life?
thief - third day (ha!)

How do my friends see me?
dance with me - the sounds (oh come on, y'all think I'm fun. and you want to mock me while I'm immobilized by my frankestein foot.)

Where will I get married?
say hello to the angels - interpol (so...I'd rather die before remarrying?)

What is my best friend's theme song?
I am in love with you - imogen heap (I don't even know what to say to this)

What is the story of my life?
pluto drive - the creatures (yeah, I pretty much want to do the stuff no one else does)

What was high school like?
will the summer make good for all our sins - Mum (oh, how true)

How can I get ahead in life?
the last beat of my heart -siouxsie and the banshees (work til you die, chica)

What is the best thing about me?
underwear - the magnetic fields (if my hanes her way is the best thing about me, well...I'm doomed. I'd better invest in something nicer.)

What is today going to be like?
under the carlaw bridge - lowest of the low ("well, it's another cold one...")

What is in store for this weekend?
i've got you memorized - ivy (a song in which someone confronts another person who keeps lying. appropriate.)

What song describes my parents?
trust - sarah mclachlan (I don't think they do trust me. But I trust them.)

To describe my grandparents?
Cemetry gates - the smiths (ok, this actually made me laugh when it came up)

How is my life going?
back - barenaked ladies ("I woke up yesterday morning, fell down two flights of stairs")

What song will they play at my funeral?
leash called love - sugarcubes (great, so I'm never going to get past this mess?)

How does the world see me?
spacy bitch - lords of acid (again, I chuckled when this popped up. Probably QUITE true)

Will I have a happy life?
she's a star - james ("It's a long road, It's a great cause...It's a good call")

What do my friends really think of me?
fresher than the night at the w - tobymac (why thank you)

Do people secretly lust after me?
to have and to hold - depeche mode (so does this mean I'm the marrying type then, and not the lusting-after type?)

How can I make myself happy?
acoustic guitar - magnetic fields (yep, I'm trying to learn it)

What should I do with my life?
I know it's over - the smiths (so...I should just give up?)

Will I ever have children?
one day more -les miserables (Given that I have four, one day more and another day after that, ad nauseum, sounds good to me)

What was filling out this survey like?
paradise place - siouxsie and the banshees (hardly)

a lull, and then dark seas ahead

I am sooo thankful that my kids get out for Christmas break next week. We can revert to our old, relaxed lifestyle, if only for 10 days. Yay!

After that, we'll have dark days ahead. My birthday is January 12th and my wedding anniversary is January 15th, and I am just dreading those days. I don't want to be around my parents because they will give me all these pitying looks and pats on the hand and all I -want- to do is NOT think about it. What I'd really like to do is farm my dear children out to a few friends for the weekend and go out of town. That would make me happy. I wouldn't be alone and stewing, but I wouldn't be around here.

It'll be 13 years since I got married. And 34 years since I was born.

I don't regret either because they can't be changed.

07 December 2006

yeah, I'm as stubborn as a mule

OK, I am not the smartest cookie. I have really been SO insistent that I can handle everything on my own (and I pretty much can) that I've refused very practical help. And I've pushed myself very hard to prove that I can do everything that I need to do.

This has finally caught up with me.

Three weeks after breaking my foot, I've been up and walking in the fracture boot without crutches. Silly me, I thought I could just go gallavanting around North Carolina, running necessary errands, without crutches. I spent all day Monday hobbling myself around various offices, trying to set things up for Tater's arrival. Tuesday, I ran (sometimes literally ran) all over, getting to appointments, getting Tater, going to the DMV, going to another appointment, getting the other kids, rushing home to get Christmas decorations.

By the time I got home last night, I could barely move. But dumb-butt me, I was scheduled to work today for the first time since the unfortunate incident with the garage steps. So I got kids up, ready, fed and off to school, ran over to the DMV then the bank then to work. I worked three hours but by the end I was actually crying from the pain. I then had to walk into the school to retrieve Tater, do a few piddly errands, a wee bit of piddly housework (done from the rolling computer chair) and then it was OFF to get other kids, etc etc etc.

My leg hurts so bad. It's not just the foot and ankle area - it's the entire left leg to just past the knee. The whole thing is swollen and my knee hurts so bad that I can't even THINK about kneeling on it. I'm nauseous and gritting my teeth. I took ibuprofen, I elevated the thing for four hours. And yet I still hurt just as bad.

Tomorrow, I'm supposed to have traffic court in the morning and then I have some free time before I have to pick up Tater and take her to an appointment. Friday, I'm scheduled to work again.

I don't even know if I'll be able to stand up tomorrow. I'm such a freakin moron.

05 December 2006

It's beginning to look a LOT like Christmas

So I picked the kids up from a church club last week and one of the leaders approached me. (This always sparks an "Oh no, what did my child DO?" reaction in my head.)
She looked down at my broken foot, asked after my oldest daughter and then inquired, "You've got a lot on your plate. Is there anything we can do for you?" I, of course, couldn't think of anything but she persisted. Finally she asked, "Have you decorated your house for Christmas yet?" Of course I hadn't. Besides the constant running around dealing with medical stuff, we don't even have Christmas decorations (except the Playmobil nativity).

Four women, two kids and one poor sap of a man arrived this evening with a bunch of goodies. I say the man is a poor sap because he, of course, was the guy who had to set up/wrestle with the fake tree and nail stuff to the wall. The women brought SO MUCH stuff, even potholders and rugs and such. They commenced cleaning and shepherding my kids into their rooms to clean them. They did my laundry. They mopped floors. I think I love them. ;)

As I look around, I see the lights glowing outside. Five stockings are hung -- one on the doorknob and four others on the bookshelves. Everywhere I turn, there are figurines, bells, candles. They adorn the bookshelves, the TV stand. There's a little nativity on my computer desk. The floor lamp next to me has been wrapped in silver garland. A wreath rests over my couch and red garland hangs over my back door.

In the freshly scrubbed kitchen are cute but not nauseating Christmas potholders and dishtowels and a rug. A bowl of fruit waits on the counter, across from boxes of peppermint tea, hot cocoa and cider mix. My dining room table has a little centerpiece.

But best of all is my Christmas tree. Every Christmas night, as a child, I would wake in the night and just lay on the couch, the house dark save the lights of the Christmas tree. Later I would enjoy Christmas Eves, lighting candles throughout our home. But it was always the tree lights that I loved more than anything.

I sit here at the computer desk with the tree just behind me. The green of the tree is almost golden from the lights, and the ornaments sparkle, reflecting the candy canes next to them. It's an old-fashioned tree, not filled with pretentious (but pretty) ribbons and delicate glass baubles. It's the kind in which my children's homemade ornaments will be right at home. If anything, it calls out for popsicle sticks and glitter!

For the past few years, Christmas has been such a nuisance to me. I sit here and wonder how, HOW I can feel so awed just gazing at a tree. I wonder to myself at the amazing generosity of people I barely know...and how that is Jesus in action. They are being His hands to me. I marvel at that, at how God uses us all to help one another.

Christmas is going to be hard this year in many ways. But it won't be as cold and ugly, because this house is beautiful and warm and filled with reminders of other people's love.

I hope that each of you will blessed in small ways over the next month, and that you will allow yourselves to bless others.

04 December 2006

Wow, this blogging thing works!

So I blogged a couple of things I wanted --both unattainable and doable-- on Friday afternoon. I didn't really expect anything. REALLY!

Lo and behold, I received Morrissey's You Are the Quarry on Saturday night. From someone I didn't even know read my blog! and to that person, I dedicate Track 11. But especially these words:

You're not right in the head
and nor am I, and this is why
You're not right in the head,
and nor am I, and this is why
This is why I like you

To the rest of you...well...I'm waiting! I add to my list, um...
a hot tub
a handsome manservant who happens to be mute
a nifty keen car that seats 6 but ISN'T mom-ish.
(In other words, I want my VW Bus. That's my dream car. I'm not joking.)
Get crackin' people!

OK, and in other real serious news...my daughter is coming home tomorrow! again! If she doesn't make it this time, it'll be into a therapeutic foster home so...let's hope she'll be OK here!

01 December 2006

I'm dreaming of a...

With Christmas and my birthday (January 12th!) rapidly approaching, it's high time I told all my friends just what I'll be expecting. 'Course, some of these things are entirely unattainable. But hey, I'm bored and I've finished my Christmas shopping so it's time to entertain myself!

1. Someone to go to the Leigh Nash/BNL concert with me in Charlotte on 12/17. I'd even buy the ticket! I just can't go to a general admin show with a broken foot, all by myself.

2. T-shirts from this website. I love the TEH shirt, the broken heart shirt and the Coffee of Doom shirt.

3. Healing for my daughter's mental illness

4. T-shirts from thinkgeek.com, especially the caffeine molecule and Obey Gravity.

5. a maid

6. Viva Hate and You Are the Quarry, CD's by Morrissey

7. a guitar tutor

8. a way to get to IL, MA, Canada and Australia so I can hang out with people I like instead of moping my sorry butt around here. Oh, and childcare. ;)

9. a weekend at a spa

10. sleep, and lots of it. Like...a year.


Yep folks. W T F is my favorite online phrase.

I don't cuss a lot in real life (though I confess I did say a few choice words when I broke my foot a couple of weeks ago). But for some reason WTF just resonates with me. Oddly, when I type it, I don't think of it as "What the f---" but "WTF" just by itself.

So I had a little WTF moment yesterday, involving my ex-husband and a kiss. According to one divorced friend, that kind of stuff happens all the time. According to another, I'm nuts and it never even occurred to that person to do that with the ex.

Felt icky for the rest of the day. Still feel icky and confused as to HOW I could let that happen. Ick ick ick. Ick.

And Ick again.

09 November 2006


There's about five things I need to blog but I think this is the most pressing.

Talking to my ex-husband is incredibly confusing. He is very very charming and I always leave meetings with him thinking that maybe I've done the wrong thing. Maybe everything will work out if I stay with him. He leaves me so, so dazed sometimes.

This worries me. I don't like it. I don't like being vulnerable, especially not around him.

But I guess recognizing it as a problem is a good sign, right?

The other day I was talking to him and having to explain that our daughter was yet again in the hospital (she's been in for about 3 weeks total, and is finally out! yay!) because apparently he didn't get my message. So I was explaining it and the whole thing was so awful that it's an emotionally draining experience just retelling how she ended up there.

So I was quiet and crying a little and he said, "I'm so sorry you have to go through this all alone." I told him we'd get through it somehow because there's no choice.

And then he said, "I wish this situation could be different but you chose this way and you don't want it to change no matter what I do. So you'll have to live with that knowledge for the rest of your life."

I hung up. Later a friend told me I should have said "I don't HAVE to. I GET to."

I have pondered hiring this friend as a sort of reverse Cyrano de Bergerac, someone to hide in the bushes and feed me witty replies to subtle digs.

23 October 2006


There is nothing like a friend. Seriously, I've never been a big FRIEND person just because I tend towards solitary activities like reading, writing, etc. Plus I was so darn insecure for so many years that I just didn't make friends very easily.

But boy, do I appreciate you guys. Some of my friends read this blog and some don't. Some of you who read my blog are friends and some aren't.

I went through a super-rough time on Wednesday night and I can't tell you how awesome it was to be able to call someone, tell him I was stressed out and have an instant comedian on my hands. It was so great to know that I had people to be there, even if they weren't able to be there physically. And yes, it would be nice to have a REAL hug from someone but sometimes that just isn't possible. I'm thankful for what I've got.

I guess there are some of you reading who don't have friends to call in case of emergency. So let me into your lives, people! I'll be there, even if I'm not THERE!

And now some quotes from the great CS Lewis:

Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities.

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "What! You too? I thought I was the only one!"

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.

15 October 2006

At last I am...employed!

After six weeks of job-hunting, I finally got JUST the right job. I hope. Anyway, it's a restaurant job and even though the pay's not great, it's certainly more than I'm making by job-hunting.

By the way, my boots totally got me this job. My interviewer and I bonded over shoes. I think I like shoes even more now.

09 October 2006

I feel funny

OK, I've been thinking a lot about the good and attractive parts of me. Not that I'll be dating anyone anytime soon...I mean, these four kids are SUCH a draw, aren't they? Plus I'm not divorced yet. And there's the whole Jesus Freak thing I've got going. And the general weirdness of me (including the fact that everyone I find interesting lives very far away). Yeah, I have a feeling I may never, EVER go out on a proper date in my life. You know: dinner, show, kiss at the door. Haven't done it yet and I'm 33.

Anyway. I know I'm not the best-looking person in the world. Though my pants sizes (and pants!) are dropping like flies, I'm still in possession of more than a few spare pounds. At my estimate, I probably have 60 more to go. Maybe 55 at this point.

Besides the weight, I've got hair that just frizzes like crazy, insane red skin tone that always looks like I've been drinking or working out or something, and somehow have acne AND grey hair. If I didn't wax regularly, I'd have a moustache, a beard and bushy eyebrows. THANK GOD for professional waxing!

But I have one thing going for me that I think helps a lot: I am witty. I am funny. I make people feel good about themselves and I make them laugh. I also insist on doing atypical things like spinning around in the middle of public places whilst singing "The hilllllls are aliiiiiive with the sound of music" instead of, y'know, walking sedately along holding hands or something. I keep people on their toes! Which could well be why I've never been on a proper date. Or ever received a romantic letter. Or, really, a compliment.

Wait, I take that back. A guy I dated when I was 19 told me that I inspired him to stop sitting around on his butt and do more with his life. That's certainly a compliment, right?

Except I think he's still working in the same bowling alley since 1992. Apparently I'm not THAT inspirational. *sighs*

(edited to add)
I've realized that the bowling guy came directly before the abusive husband, and directly AFTER the guy who came out as gay right after we dated. Who, incidentally, was not long after the guy who killed himself. Do stunningly pretty girls have such issues?

02 October 2006

There's a sucker born every minute

...and apparently all of them work for my insurance company.

After much effort and attempt on my part at keeping my exact address a private matter, my insurance company (WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE) decided to add me to my husband's auto insurance policy because his lawyer told them they had to. And instead of asking HIM for my address, they simply looked me up in their system, got my new address from my own insurance policy, and added me to his account.

And sent him a letter with my new contact info on it.

Nice, eh?

30 September 2006

The world may end now

After 33 years, I can officially declare myself a woman.

It has nothing to do with sex, childbirth or profound mental/emotional revelations. No, it goes further into the mysteries of the cosmos than any of those things. Today...I wanted a pair of shoes.

Let me just say that I am a barefoot kinda girl. I hate shoes. Loathe them. Given the choice between wearing heels and a root canal, I'd pick the maniac dentist everytime. Until now.

Yep, those boots right there. Saw them in Target when I was looking for sensible pumps to wear to a job interview. I had to have them. I tried to avoid them. I walked away and browsed the obnoxious pointy-toed pumps. But they called to me across the shoe department, "Jooooooo! Come put us on. We'll make your calves look sexy instead of fat!"

So I went to try them on, figuring they wouldn't zip over my fat and swollen legs and I could put this whole ridiculous shoe business behind me.

Surprise, surprise. They fit. And they look PHENOMENAL. Of course, I had to go buy a skirt to go with them. And a sweater to go with that. Shame, that.

26 September 2006

King of the dunghill

This has absolutely nothing to do with anything I've been talking about. Which, I guess, is what blogging's all about.

Did you know that there's not just a "Best of Yanni" but a "Very Best of Yanni"?

Yeah. Kinda scary.

My best analogy is that the Very Best of Yanni is kinda like that dead bird your dog brings you. He's terribly proud of it. You wish he wasn't.

21 September 2006

What do I miss?

Someone recently asked me what was hardest about no longer being married.

My answer was that I no longer have someone to open jars.

Yeah, that's about it.

18 September 2006

saying what you mean

Why don't people ever come straight out and say exactly what they mean/feel/think?

I'm just as guilty.

17 September 2006

To Forgive

There's so much to say about forgiveness that I scarcely know where to begin. I'll probably blog more about it tomorrow but here's some random thoughts:

I've been reading a lot of Steve Taylor/Chagall Guevara's lyrics and ran across this song that I vaguely remember. Part of it says...

Follow his lead
Let the madness recede
When we shatter the cycle of pain
Oh, we will live
To forgive

I love that part about shattering the cycle of pain. If we hold onto our anger, to our bitterness, we are allowing the person who wronged us to continue controlling our lives. It is not THEM who is punished - it is US.

A couple of weeks ago I went to a church and found "If" by Amy Carmichael tucked into my bulletin. Amy was a Christian missionary in India who rescued temple prostitutes (children). She certainly saw a lot of things that we would find hard to forgive. This particular part caught my eye:

If I say, "Yes, I forgive, but I cannot forget," as though the God, who twice a day washes all the sands on all the shores of all the world, could not wash such memories from my mind, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

Isn't that beautiful?

15 September 2006

what an awful, awful day

Today has been a wretched day.

I don't even have the luxury of contemplating suicide, as I have four people who depend solely on me for their lives. I won't leave them. So don't worry.

And I'd like to say that no, this isn't a cry for attention. I just feel like crap. This is where I vent. There.

I am going to go cry a million tears I thought I was done crying.

14 September 2006

Putting the Fun in Funeral

So I've had this weird sense of mortality lately. Not that I expect to die, but it wouldn't surprise me. That kind of thing. And I've been thinking a lot about my funeral. So here's my wishes:

First of all, anyone who attends is not allowed to wear black or navy blue unless it's something they'd wear anyway. My favorite colors lately are reds and purples. Wear those!

Secondly, make sure you have a decent potluck afterwards, OK? I loves me some Southern potlucks. I have a pet peeve about them, however, and that's there are never enough deviled eggs. Seriously, why on earth would you bring six deviled eggs to a potluck of 50+ people? So you people gotta bring some deviled eggs, some with paprika and some not. And banana pudding. And greenbean casserole, of course.

Lastly, I'm particular about music. I would like the following songs to be played. I don't care what order you put them in.

Chris Rice's Untitled Hymn
Few songs move me to tears but this is one of them and it does so because of its sheer simplicity. If you have the chance to hear it, please do so. The simple lyrics completely mesh with voice and acoustic guitar.

The Servant Song
(Note: please do NOT listen to the tune on this page. It is badly and slooowly played on an organ. If you have to hear the song...I dunno, find it elsewhere).
This song is somewhat of my anthem. Anyone who knows me personally knows that I will go out of my way to help people. Servants Heart School was actually the name of our homeschool, because I want to teach my children that helping others is the most Christlike thing we can do on this earth. But I give bonus points to anyone at my funeral who secretly sings "When you laugh, I'll laugh AT you" instead of "WITH you" in verse 4. Because that's what I do.

All My Tears by Emmylou Harris
I have NO idea what Emmylou's recording sounds like since I learned this in a very bluesy style from a friend at my old church. It is hands-down my favorite song to sing and I adore the lyrics. My sister and I sang it at our aunt's funeral, just two voices blending together with no accompaniment. That's how I want it. Not Emmylou's style but the one I know.

Lastly...and this one DOES have to be last:
Breakfast by the Newsboys
I figure about this time y'all will need a laugh. You can imagine me eating my Peanut Butter Crunch in Heaven as you leave.

04 September 2006


When I set out at the beginning of this summer, there were SO MANY things I didn't ever want to do. I even had panic attacks at the thought of some of them, and swore up and down I wouldn't survive if I had to go through them. Funny how years of being told you're worthless will convince you that you can't do anything worthwhile.

Without further fanfare, I want you to know that I have:

-managed to talk to not one, not two but THREE Child Protective Services people (not counting the fourth and fifth ones on the phone). I was terrified of them. I was terrified they would take my children away. I had no reason to fear that, but I was utterly convinced.

-been able to talk to a magistrate about the abuse and get a restraining order against my husband, though it was only temporary.

-entered a courtroom where my angry husband was present, when his actions even disturbed the court guards. They actually had me hidden for a little while because he was being suspicious. And I was escorted out and walked to my car, under their watchful eyes.

-gone into another courtroom and hold a mostly-civil conversation with my husband about, of all things, Morrissey. Also managed not to deck him when he suggested we go back to the house for sex since we ARE still technically married.

-survived countless pieces of my heart being torn out with each new tale of abuse. Some of this is still going on and though I always feel like I can't take anymore, I always can.

-loved my children more than I thought I ever could. I am so proud of them!

-lived through and actually enjoyed the hellish weekend before our big separation hearing by meeting up with long-time online friends. Those of you at T-con probably didn't know my entire future was hanging in the balance the day afterwards, and you probably thought I had food poisoning or a virus like that other person. Actually I was just really really panicked! You also have to know that I don't even CALL people, even my sister, because I am so so shy about it. So going to another state to meet y'all, walking into a hotel and approaching complete strangers to ask if they were with the con...that was nothing short of a miracle! And I love you all. mwah!

(I'm not kidding about how shy I am. I really don't even call Domino's if I can avoid it, and they could care less about me. And yes, I don't call my sister because one time she mistook me for her best friend and talked to be for about 10 minutes before realizing it was me, and then there was this huge awkwardness and I felt horrible. I have issues, I tell you.)

-driven my daughter to a hospital an hour away and left her there for 10 days, because she needed and wanted help. I never thought I could do that, but it has been worth every second because SHE is so proud of herself!

-left my children in the care of other people. Besides my parents' care, they have gone to Vacation Bible Schools, churches and now public school. I used to worry about them constantly. I still worry, but I want them to be free to be who they are.

-faced life as a single mom and realized it's not as bleak as I thought. I have Jesus. I have friends around the world, some of whom pray for me regularly. This is great encouragement to me.

Lastly, I have been able to forgive. That's a biggie and deserves its own post.

03 September 2006

Go to the Back of the Class!

When I was a kid, we had a game called Go to the Head of the Class and it was maybe my favorite game we owned other than Life (I liked the little peg people in that one). You answered questions and got to advance based on intelligence. I usually did pretty well.

Today I would lose.

Here's a tip: Don't get mad at someone for ignoring your IM's when your computer logs itself out of Aim everytime the stupid screen saver comes on and then automatically reconnects you when you become active again. Might want to check that, dumbbutt. Go back three spaces.

More dummy points for emailing someone when half asleep. Go back one space.

Bonus points for playing off the email reply as something you were expecting anyway, even though you don't remember sending the first one. Go forward one space.

Also, this gem from the book of Jeremiah:

" The heart is deceitful above all things,
And desperately wicked;
Who can know it? "

I know per therapists that emotions are our guidebooks to life, but I think mine take after the Thresh rangers.

29 August 2006

Life is like a box of chocolates (outdated, for 99 cents)

I have a very ungirly confession to make: I hate shopping.

Yep, I said it. I hate to shop.

That said, I have been shopping lately as I look for things for our new place. And I started thinking about how people's existences are a lot like shopping.

First and foremost, you've got the people with Mall lives. They have it all: the perfect hair, the perfect children, the perfect house, the perfect vacation. You name it, they've got it. They have a little bit of everything tasteful, just like the mall and all the un-tasteful stuff is hidden away in the secret passageways of their hearts, and so few are allowed in. Their pace of life is usually unhurried but never slow. But just like the mall, all of this comes at a high price. Usually no one has any time to spend with one another because they're too busy making sure everything is just right.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, you've got your Wal-Mart people. Loud, obnoxious and keeping their toilet habits next to their dining room tables (much like Wal-Mart), these folks live busy lives too. The difference is that they feel like they have to have a little bit of everything, but everything is cheaper. So they do everything in excess but it means so little.

My life is neither. My life, if you have to know, is somewhere between a thrift store and a "scratch and dent" (closeout) store. There are some real wonderful treasures in it, but you have to dig through the piles of crap to find them. Pass the 50 year old broken sewing machine and the industrial sized tubs of mayo, there's a beautiful work of art and a $10 box of organic cookies for $1.25.

Ideally, I'd like to have a Target life. It's about as pretty and nice as the mall but doesn't take as much work. It's almost as easy as the Wal-Mart life but there's just a slightly better quality to it. And sometimes you'll find a really great deal at Target.

But back to thrift stores, I want to know who buys framed photos of some lady and her baby circa 1980? Or used greeting cards? I mean, I can understand maybe buying a broken cellphone because you've got the parts to fix it or it's got the parts you need.

And scratch and dents...Today I could've bought a Boston Red Sox shirt for $3, a bottle of outdated salad dressing or a dented box of condoms. Condoms in a damaged-goods store? Yes, you're right. Good thing there's pregnancy tests next to them. Damaged pregnancy tests.

14 August 2006


I thought my heart was long gone, so imagine my surprise when I found it on my sleeve.

07 August 2006

It's weird watching your entire life be packed up into four rubbermaid bins and a duffel bag and driven off in the back of a pickup.

That's all we have to offer this world.

Or is it all the world has to offer us?
Heavy stuff today.

There have always been wounds within me. Even as a child, there was a standoffishness, an inability to let people really KNOW me. Now that I'm older, I wonder if that was really my problem or everyone else's. I always thought I was the issue but I'm starting to think everyone else is too self-absorbed.

Now there are deep, deep scars from years and years of abuse. I bear no physical reminders but I carry a sadness that is mine alone to bear. There is an emptiness in me, a void that I'm not sure can even be reached, let alone filled.

People try to tell me that I'll meet a man who will truly love and appreciate me. I just want someone who understands me. I've lived without love and appreciation for a decade. Just give me someone who understands.

...though I will always hope to be loved.

03 August 2006

Someone shut my brain up.

I overthink everything. I want to understand everything but then I'm not happy when I do. It's messed up. I'm messed up. Here I go again. I'm now thinking about how messed up I am and why I overthink everything and now I think my brain's going to explode.

02 August 2006

If you should ever find yourself needing something from the government, I can offer the following tips:

-Always show up on time for your appointment. You will have to wait three hours regardless, but at least you won't wait three hours only to be told, "You were late. You'll have to reschedule your appointment."

-Be polite. Everyone else will be rude to you and act like you owe them something. However, yelling at government employees is exactly what they want and they will heave you out of the office if you do it. Be prepared for lots of opposition, because they will attempt to provoke you.

-Have all of your paperwork ready. You will have 20 more pages to fill out, in triplicate. Some of this can be eliminated by simply handing your things over and telling the person you can't read or write.

-Feign stupidity. Stupid people get pity. Smart people get attitude. So smart people should be smart enough to play stupid.

01 August 2006

Into the murky green
Into the middle
Darkness below which tantalizes and beckons,
Waving arms as if to say
Come play

Into the hazy hue
Into the center
Sunshine above which calls to me
Rays of light which fall
over all

But I find my solace
Where no one can see me
and no one can reach me
and nothing exists except me
here in the middle
of the lake.

31 July 2006

I'm really, really tired of people saying I'm a strong woman. It sets such a high expectation that when I screw up, I feel like a disappointingly cheesy movie.