Reality is definitely stranger than fiction

What happens when...

Megadeth meets Morrissey?

Sci-fi meets Fantasy?

Ironed and tucked-in meets "I think this might be clean?"

Action meets Musical?

Order meets Chaos?

Usually early meets Often late?

Realist meets Dreamer?

Tech nerd meets Pop culture geek?

Third doctor meets Ninth doctor?

Cat person meets Dog lover?

Vocational track meets College prep?

Military meets Undisciplined wannabe hippie?

New and eager Christian meets Old and bitter believer?

"Betrayer" meets "betrayed?"

Meat-and-potatoes meets Occasional vegan?

Coffee meets Chai?

North Carolina farm meets Florida concrete?

Introvert meets Extrovert?

Gentle and quiet meets loud and vivacious (a nice word for "obnoxious")?

Broken-hearted meets broken-hearted?

Lonely meets lonely?

Sinner meets sinner?

What happens when...

Two people who need God's grace find it?

Two people who cried out to God for a best friend find that and more?

I could tell you the answer. But I think I'll know a little more in ten months...when I can blog about "my husband."

Rocking my World

So my world's being rocked but I think it's a good thing, you know?

Turns out Funsize has been deceiving me about a whole aspect of his life. I'm pretty sure he's ashamed of it, which is rather funny since this aspect supposedly has made him a better man. It was an answer to prayer for me to find out this information about him, and definitely put him into perspective as a completely lost individual who needs to be found.

Actually, that whole subject has me thinking on the beauty of absolute morality but that's another post.

Tater is in the state mental institution right now, and has lost her placement at her facility. No idea where she's going next week, and she's been hurting herself and flashing back an awful lot. I love my Taterhead and I can either fall apart and quiver with fear for her future, or I can trust that the Lord has a plan for her life.

My quote of the day yesterday was: I can't even handle my LAUNDRY problem, so why should I try to solve everything else instead of giving it to Jesus?

School is insane as usual. Three more months and then Pinning! Yay.
Have been getting close with a few girls there. We're pondering small, matching tattoos on our feet to commemorate our sisterhood, upon graduation.

Have made a couple of friends at church. When I say "friends", I mean friends. I have many acquaintances wherever I go, thanks to realizing I'm an absolute extrovert who was always so timid that I was an introvert. I'm hoping these friends become the kind of people I can have wonderful fellowship with, because I so miss that.

I don't remember if I posted or not but I laid hands on my ex-husband and prayed for him recently. It was a beautiful occurrence, so God and not me. The man is lost. I'm not saying I want to be his best buddy or anything. I just want him to have peace.

(CORRECTION: I struggle everyday with anger towards him, but the good part of me wants him to have peace.)

Anyway, my update is that my world is so being rocked and I'm rocking with it, and it's a darned good thing. I shed a few tears over allllll of the above situations but I've put them all in the Lord's hands. Now if He would only do my laundry...

Good times

So yeah. Life's been pretty good lately. I'm rockin the coursework in the LPN program with a solid B average (which is fine, trust me). Got a great evaluation from my clinical instructors that say I'm doing great and what I do "will take you very far." And today I finished a major paper on wound healing, and I'm finally catching up on the numerous Psychology essays that are overdue. Should be all caught up with schoolwork as of this evening! Woohoo!

Taterhead is doing AMAZING. She's not perfect, still hasn't earned off-campus visits. Yet compared to where she was just two months ago, we are all tickled pink over her progress. Peanut's been doing well in school, even though he got the "mean teacher." Punkin is growing up fast and she's such a social butterfly. And Bean...wellllll, we have our good days and bad days. When they are bad, they really suck. I have been sworn at and told the ultimate, "You're not my real mom!" But by and large, Bean is turning out to be a cool person. I like talking to her.

Best of all, I have RL friends! yay! It's weird to go into your classroom and sit down and have several people wanting your attention. Most everyone wants my attention and help with LPN stuff, but a few people in particular have moved beyond that into the friendship zone. I love them muchly.

And...my bizarre friendship with Funsize is on again, which brings me lots of happiness. I wish I could explain why it's so important to have his friendship, but I can't. Just that out of all of the people I've ever known, he gets me better than anyone else, and I him. It's a cool thing and not presently a romantic thing though I admit to slight obsessions about that, and then guilt over those. Haha. I'm a dork.

So you know what, my friends? Today I just want to thank Jesus for everything. For everything awful and wretched that has brought me to this place, to this moment where I sit typing on my bed listening to my kids laugh, even if I am surrounded by laundry and books. For everything good that has happened along the way. I do want to sing along with this song because it's how I feel lately.

Lies

In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act. --George Orwell

It's been two years since I left The Bear, as of yesterday. I'm still unraveling the tangle of lies that apparently existed for my entire marriage. He didn't just lie to ME, you see. He lied to everyone ABOUT me.

His family and I are finally getting to know each other after 16 years. We're finally able to see each other for who we really are, without the filter of gossip and malice. I'm finding out things I never knew about myself, as are they! For example:

1. When I left The Bear, it was because I went crazy and was going to kill my kids ala Susan Smith or Andrea Yates. (This led my in-laws to call Social Services on me, something they are very sorry about now. Because good gracious, my friends always knew me as someone to call and say, "Man, am I frustrated today! I think I'm taking the kids to the playground for a change of scenery.")

2. While being a full-time, stay-at-home-mom to two or three children, I had plenty of time to have affairs and was always taking up with other men, which is why my two birth children aren't my husband's.

3. My son is not only NOT The Bear's, his father is Black.
(If you have ever seen my son, you will know why this particular rumor is HILARIOUS. He's one shade short of albino.)

These are some of the bigger lies but there were lots of tiny, everyday lies that made me into a different person than who I am. From what I can tell, he lied about the most insignificant of things to build up a whole picture of untruth. He did a really good job because you know what? His family -who I thought was nuts- is actually pretty darned OK.

That person I hope I'll never become

I have a fear of becoming an annoying person.

Sometimes I get caught up in what I'm doing and I don't realize how loudly I'm speaking or maybe what I look like that day. My psychologist says I've got ADHD so this isn't really surprising that I don't notice these things, but the tendency scares me. I don't want to become like HER.

There is a woman in my class whose reputation preceded her. I didn't know it was the same person until break on the first day when I was told "Remember that woman I told you about? That's her" by a couple of people. My response was something like, "Ohhh, I'm glad to know there's not two of her in the school."

I started examining the similarities between the two of us and I'm appalled. I'm not sure how to NOT become this woman and it scares me!

1. We are both mothers.
Con: This similarity cannot change.
Pro: I do not continually interrupt class with anecdotes about my kids.

2. We are both fat.
Con: Nursing school has given me two choices: smoke or eat. I'm eating to relieve the stress, so this similarity will continue for the time being.
Pro: I do not wear ill-fitting clothes which flash my cleavage at everyone everyday. At least, not every day. ;)

3. We are both people that other people ask questions of and therefore are considered smart.
Con: We both have a lot of info to share.
Pro: Most of her info is wrong or anecdotal.
I don't share my info unless asked.

4. We both were pretty confident we'd make it into the program.
Con: I was the top test-scorer and I did tell a friend that, only to find out that she was in the program as well. Ooops, I didn't mean to brag.
Pro: My nemesis bragged, "I'm a shoo-in for this program" and then bombed her first test. There's actually a funny story with this. She sat in the front row and calculated everyone's score for them so she could find exactly what everyone else made. I made an 85, a B. I did secretly chuckle when I found out she'd failed.

5. We are both extroverts.
Con: We will both talk to anyone, anytime.
Pro: People see her coming and scatter. I just get a "hey".

I guess so far I'm OK other than finding out I'm a pretty mean person. One day she came to class and found us all sitting in the hallway because the door was locked. She stupidly tried the door anyway and then asked, "Oh, the instructor's not here yet?" and then wandered off, stepping back over several people as she went. I mumbled, "No, we're just sitting around for the hell of it." and made everyone laugh.

Also, the entire class has taken to muttering, sighing, rolling their eyes, slamming books shut, roaring and/or leaving the classroom when this woman starts talking. I have not noticed this with myself yet.
*sigh*
Yet.

updates updates updates

I got into the LPN program at my community college. My plan all along has been to get a Master's in Nursing so I can teach. However, I am starting at the very bottomest rung and I'm glad to be there! 96 people applied. 35 people got in. I was the top test-scorer! yay me!

On Saturday, I had to take my Nurse Aide/CNA I exam. While most of the stuff is common sense, I had a little problem. I've never DONE half the stuff they're testing on. I had to drop out before clinicals last time I took the CNA class. And this time, the clinicals started after the LPN class. I had to be certified before the LPN class began!

So...without practicing anything for the skills portion, and without a book to study for the written portion, I went and took the test. I didn't realize how nerve-wracking it would be as a proctor watched me and ticked off things on a checklist as I did them. Have you ever tried to feed another person with a third person watching you intently? Rather unsettling! Anyway, I passed. I got my Nurse Aide Certification which means I can wipe butts with the best of 'em. Next up: LPN! Just one year and I'll be a low-on-the-totem-pole nurse.

Tater has been in and out of facilities for the past few weeks, which threw our family back into crisis. I swear I don't know which way is up at this point. Two days ago she was admitted into a home where she will live for a minimum of 1.5 years. She can't level out of this placement because THIS is the place where kids who assault staff and run and such go. It is seriously like a prison as far as security. Every door is locked and every room (save bathrooms) has a video camera. The place is monitored and staffed by nurses 24/7.

More on the Tater front. She has finished her 12 hours of neuro/psych testing. Four sessions. That's a lot of contact hours. I go next month to speak with the doc and find the results. A couple of weeks ago he suspected brain damage. I've been doing some reading and I suspect he may be right. We'll see, though. The thought of my daughter having something incurable, something that CAN'T be healed with therapy and meds, is just overwhelming. I feel sick to my stomach and I want to just curl up into a ball again and cry for days. And yet...and yet...it would almost be a relief to find out at this point. Because at least we'd KNOW what's wrong and what we can expect.

So there you have it. Life is good and bad but always interesting. Which just proves that God gives the best presents there are.

Mountains, molehills and me

So. There's been a lot of stuff going on. And I guess maybe my perspective's out of whack because of it. I tend to get through major stresses with nary a hair out of place, but I lose my patience at the tiniest of things. I am making molehills of mountains and mountains of molehills and I realize this but I can't seem to change it. :(

Tater has been placed at a residential, long-term-care facility a couple of hours away. I got to visit her on Wednesday and she seems pretty happy there. She turns 13 on Monday so we're going to see her this weekend, weather permitting.

The Bear has been back in the picture and then seems to be fading out but I don't know. It upsets me because it upsets my children. They got used to him being there and now it seems he's leaving again. My poor Peanut has been a mess because of it.

I have some amusing little anecdotes about the kids. Thankfully through all the stress, we've had plenty of times to just throw our heads back and laugh. Is there any sound sweeter than that of a child's laughter? I can't think of one!

So. Good things?

Since I'm so down, it's time to look at good things about this year.

Tater enters a residential care facility on the 7th. That means no more being tied down to homeschooling her, even though I enjoy it. It also means I don't have to stress every second about whether or not she's OK. Because she'll be great! It also means visits with her dad will be supervised by pros. Yay.

I turn 35 on the 12th. Yeah, my hair's getting grayer (fortunately, my hair dye covers well) and I'm getting some laugh lines. But you know what? I work out at the gym and feel great when I do it. I'm intelligent. I'm funny. And I'm adventurous. These things don't have to stop just cause I'm turning 35.

Yes, I'm halfway to 70. But so what? I'm only HALF there! I still have 35 more years to go!

So yeah, my marriage effed up and ended last year. My first wedding anniversary as a divorced woman. And yeah, I don't have a romantic interest of any sort on the horizon. So what? SO WHAT! My life is full of friends and family! Yes, I would LOVE to have someone to grow old with but hey, I have 35 more years til 70! Maybe someone will come along in the next 10. Maybe not. If not, I will be a wacky old maid. Actually, I'll be off traveling the world, I'm sure.

So I'm not in the nursing program and probably won't get into it this year. OK. This either means a) I am not meant to be a nurse and have another path before me, or b) I'm not meant to be a nurse NOW and will be one later. Either way, I'm fine! You know why? Because predictability is boring. It really is.

As much as I complain about the craziness of my life, I like it. It suits me. I would be BORED to TEARS if my life were always the same. Yes, there's comfort in routines. But I find that I am consistently knocking people out of their comfort zones, and I like it!

So bring it on 2008! Let's see what you've got in store!

A feeling of dread (dum dum DUM)

Last year was just a lot of fun. This summer til a few weeks ago, I was pretty depressed and didn't find life fun anymore. I started getting a sense of humor and adventure last month, and am doing OK.

But...

New Year is approaching.

Tater enters residential care on January 7th.

I have a birthday on January 12th. I turn 35. I did OK last year but I got to go away for the weekend and had probably the best birthday I've had since I was a kid.

My former wedding anniversary is January 15th. I did OK that day last year but I had something to look forward to, a trip to LA (I'd received the invitation on my birthday).

Tater's birthday is on the 21st. She won't be here.

I had looked forward to this being the year I entered the nursing program but it's not going to happen. I thought this year would be the one that put me on my path towards the rest of my life.

I suppose I will have to sit down and actually write out some positive things to look forward to, but I can't think of any at the moment. I'll make it a point to do that in the next post.

updates updates updates

So I haven't blogged in a while really. Here are some updates:

Tater is still living in therapeutic foster care but comes home to me every day to be homeschooled. It's an interesting arrangement but really only a bandaid until a long-term placement becomes available. We are hoping to get her somewhere where she can have school, therapy and home all in one spot. Yes, it's THAT severe.

The Bear decided he wanted to be part of the kids' lives after all. He has his first therapy session with the younger three today. I am not trying to be pessimistic but realistic. I am afraid he will soon drop out of their lives again, just when they get used to having him there. I am also afraid he will be a manipulative jerk like he was before. :( Punkin has been very anxious these past few days and really acting younger than she is. I dread the weekend.

Speaking of the weekend, we have our own "Christmas miracle" that I'll blog later. Suffice to say that life insists on giving me --a known scrooge-- happy things at Christmastime. I really hate it. ;)

In other news, I had to drop out of school a couple of weeks ago. Real bummer, that, but it was one of those things I couldn't avoid. My entire existence is now spent jumping through hoops for various agencies and what not. Yay. The Bear lied to Social Services again and said that I was institutionalized, so now I get to go have mental health evaluations and such. I released my medical records to them but hey...why check THOSE out to find out the truth when we can just create more paperwork for everyone by making me go?
Anyway, I guess that's about it. I'll have more news tomorrow from today's therapy session.

don't want to be a grownup!

Life is awful right now. Really bad. Probably the worst it's been since before leaving The Bear.

Tater is gone.

She was hospitalized for the seventh time last week and is now in therapeutic foster care.

I can't see her for 30 days. My heart breaks.

Additionally, Bean is having all sorts of issues that are very serious and I fear for my little girl. I pray that with Tater gone, we can have more time to deal with them.

Peanut has been extremely ill. I'm not sure what's wrong with him but we've made a few trips to the doc. He missed a week of school.

Punkin, thankfully, seems to be holding her own for now.

I'm failing school because I've had to miss so much -including midterms- to deal with all of this. I am now looking at dropping out and just being a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant/Aide). That isn't a bad plan, really. It's not where my heart is, but it's doable. At least it's better than being a waitress.

Anyway, I just feel like I'm falling apart with all the social services, school, mental health, medical, etc. obligations. And to top it off, I have pinkeye! in my one good eye! And no health insurance. :(

I wish there were someone to take care of me when I'm so tired from taking care of everyone else. But there just isn't.

Morrissey song of the week: That's How People Grow Up

I was driving my car
I crashed and broke my spine
So yes, there are things worse in life than
Never being someone's sweetie
...
As for me I'm ok
For now anyway

bravery

When I set out at the beginning of this summer, there were SO MANY things I didn't ever want to do. I even had panic attacks at the thought of some of them, and swore up and down I wouldn't survive if I had to go through them. Funny how years of being told you're worthless will convince you that you can't do anything worthwhile.

Without further fanfare, I want you to know that I have:

-managed to talk to not one, not two but THREE Child Protective Services people (not counting the fourth and fifth ones on the phone). I was terrified of them. I was terrified they would take my children away. I had no reason to fear that, but I was utterly convinced.

-been able to talk to a magistrate about the abuse and get a restraining order against my husband, though it was only temporary.

-entered a courtroom where my angry husband was present, when his actions even disturbed the court guards. They actually had me hidden for a little while because he was being suspicious. And I was escorted out and walked to my car, under their watchful eyes.

-gone into another courtroom and hold a mostly-civil conversation with my husband about, of all things, Morrissey. Also managed not to deck him when he suggested we go back to the house for sex since we ARE still technically married.

-survived countless pieces of my heart being torn out with each new tale of abuse. Some of this is still going on and though I always feel like I can't take anymore, I always can.

-loved my children more than I thought I ever could. I am so proud of them!

-lived through and actually enjoyed the hellish weekend before our big separation hearing by meeting up with long-time online friends. Those of you at T-con probably didn't know my entire future was hanging in the balance the day afterwards, and you probably thought I had food poisoning or a virus like that other person. Actually I was just really really panicked! You also have to know that I don't even CALL people, even my sister, because I am so so shy about it. So going to another state to meet y'all, walking into a hotel and approaching complete strangers to ask if they were with the con...that was nothing short of a miracle! And I love you all. mwah!

(I'm not kidding about how shy I am. I really don't even call Domino's if I can avoid it, and they could care less about me. And yes, I don't call my sister because one time she mistook me for her best friend and talked to be for about 10 minutes before realizing it was me, and then there was this huge awkwardness and I felt horrible. I have issues, I tell you.)

-driven my daughter to a hospital an hour away and left her there for 10 days, because she needed and wanted help. I never thought I could do that, but it has been worth every second because SHE is so proud of herself!

-left my children in the care of other people. Besides my parents' care, they have gone to Vacation Bible Schools, churches and now public school. I used to worry about them constantly. I still worry, but I want them to be free to be who they are.

-faced life as a single mom and realized it's not as bleak as I thought. I have Jesus. I have friends around the world, some of whom pray for me regularly. This is great encouragement to me.

Lastly, I have been able to forgive. That's a biggie and deserves its own post.

It's weird watching your entire life be packed up into four rubbermaid bins and a duffel bag and driven off in the back of a pickup.

That's all we have to offer this world.

Or is it all the world has to offer us?

I'm really, really tired of people saying I'm a strong woman. It sets such a high expectation that when I screw up, I feel like a disappointingly cheesy movie.