A cup of coffee is good for the soul

If you've ever gone through a fellowship drought, then you know how you get so thirsty for community that eventually it becomes an undefined emotional ache that just nibbles at your subconscious every now and again. Or maybe that's just me.

ANYway...

I have gone years without true, voluntary, no-pressure fellowship. Sure, I've attended choir practices and church suppers (where I usually ended up sitting by myself), women's events and Bible studies. I tried helping in kitchens and with events, only to be shut out by others who knew each other better and didn't have a want or need to know me. I slowly became so tired of trying that I went to complacent and possibly even to averse and unpleasant in nature.

So I guess I was kinda surprised when a friend from community group asked me to go to coffee the other day. Our planned 30 minutes turned into 2 hours and I remembered just how AWESOME fellowship is. I left with a sense of purpose, and I think she did too. It's funny how just one cup of coffee can do that, eh?

If I seem a little strange, that's because I am!

So I am trying SO hard to be all conformist and fit in around here. I attended the kids' open houses wearing my best "preppy mom" clothes. I went to the first day and dutifully introduced myself to people. I suffered through an American Idol wannabe's version of The Star Spangled Banner. I've even pondered helping in the PTO. But you know what? It came time for "a moment of silent prayer" and I cringed.

I actually cringed. And I'll tell you why.

These same people who wanted to have a moment of silent prayer are the movers and shakers, the businessmen in the good ole boy's network. They're the ones with the money and money ain't always honest. Right before said moment of silence, they were name-dropping about who was having lunch with whom, and what senator was there.

This moment of prayer is nothing more than a political statement. If my kids and I really want to pray, why do we need an officially sanctioned moment? I mean, don't get me wrong: I'm glad my children have the RIGHT to pray in school. But do they really need to join Jeb Moneybags in doing it when HE says they should?

I've realized I'm never going to fit in around here...or probably anywhere.

That's why I decided to wear my salwar kameez to school today. It was like wearing jammies. I need four more pair so I can wear them to school everyday! And yes, people stared. I'm sure they thought, "Why is that white woman wearing those hindu clothes?"

Or maybe they just thought, "Why is that white woman in shiny jammies?"

Jesus made me so Jesus save me from pity, sympathy and people discussing me

So I know my own moniker points at the faith aspect of my life, and I know I've posted plenty in the past about Jesus. I also know I haven't blogged a whole lot about it in the past few months. I guess I feel I should offer an explanation.

I don't know where I stand with God.

I still fully and completely believe in Him, and pray every day, thanking Him for everything I've been given. I pray for my children, they pray for me. I sing scripture over them almost every night.

But I don't go to church. I stopped about six weeks ago.

Church has become a place of isolation and misery. Everywhere I look, it is family after family. Husbands, wives, children. We do NOT fit that mold. No, we are the broken family. We are the ones who "failed". Nevermind that it was The Bear who failed. It is the children and I who pay for it, if we wish to remain in the community of believers. The church loves to tell us about fathers who love their children (as a model of the Heavenly Father), which hurts my children because they are fatherless.

That Guy and I were discussing it the other day, how unwelcome we feel in the Christian community. How both of us have been told by numerous pastors that we must forever wait, bound by our marriage oaths, for our spouses to return. They never address the question I know we've both posed: What are we supposed to do if our spouses have remarried?

And in my case, I am bearing burdens I can't bear much longer by myself. Are they telling me then that because The Bear broke his promise to us, I and my children must suffer alone? That to find someone else would be sinful? Yes, I know that God will never give us more than we can bear. I have heard this time and time again. I also keep coming back (yep, you knew it was coming) to a Morrissey song:

Why did you give me so much desire
When there is nowhere I can go to offload this desire?
And why did you give me so much love in a loveless world
When there is no one I can turn to
To unlock all this love?
And why did you stick me in self deprecating bones and skin?
Jesus, do you hate me?