The newest medical superheroes

Abbreviations are a big part of the medical field, so much so that there are experts in medical terminology, and classes and whatnot. Therefore, we have several tests on abbreviations in our class. This is OK. If you can memorize things well, you've got yourself a good test grade.

But what if, like me, you look at a group of letters and think of things entirely unrelated to medicine? You see "DM" and think "Dungeon Master" instead of Diabetes Mellitus. Or BS and think of "bullshit" instead of "bowel sounds". Or even worse, you try to make things seem medical but haven't a clue. So like my friend, you make NIDDM into the National Institute for Disease Discovery and Management instead of Non Insulin Dependant Diabetes.

Well, you get a group of people together and make up odd sayings and phrases to go with each abbreviation. Which can sometimes lead to hysterical laughter and/or shrieking. But did you ever think it would lead to superheroes?

The NLN is the National League of Nursing. If you say this, you must have someone humming heroic music in the background as you speak in your best announcer voice, "Meanwhile, back at the National League of Nursing Headquarters."

And then...then you strike your best superhero pose, with both hands on hips and declare, "It's APTT! Activate Partial Thromboplastin Time!" and pretend to swoosh away.

Sadly, neither of those were on the test this morning. But the NLN is ready and waiting for the next time abbreviations strike!

Finding...Nemo?

So I got an unexpected paycheck today, which meant I could go buy the kids some t-shirts and take them out to supper. After reading a mention of the Chinese buffet in Stuff Christians Like (which, again, I am wholeheartedly recommending), I decided that's what we should eat. So we piled into the booth and began taking turns going to the buffet.

My son suddenly started talking to me about the movie Finding Nemo. It was so random, and I just couldn't figure out WHY he brought it up. It wasn't like we were talking about anything to do with the film at all! I was puzzled but that's a normal state of mind for me.

So I turned around to take my turn at the buffet and noticed our waiter's shirt was in the exact same pattern as a Clownfish. I started laughing. My 12 year old then noticed the same thing but didn't say a word until he passed by, when she whispered conspiratorially, "Nemo just smiled at me."

We spent the rest of our dinner with the giggles everytime the poor guy even came near us. And as we left? I urged the children out the door with a sing song, "Just keep walkin, just keep walking, walking, walking."

well...DUH!

Punkin had a moment today.

Doctor was palpating her abdomen, making sure she didn't have appendicitis. While doing that, he made small talk.

Dr: So, what grade are you in?
Punkin: First.
Dr: Are you learning how to read.
Punkin: (nodding) Uh-huh.
Dr: Do you like to read books yet? Do you have any books?
Punkin: I already read the Wizard of Oz. It was 235 pages.
Dr: Oh.


(Yes, Punkin really did read The Wizard of Oz by herself. Hasn't seen the movie yet but I know it'll be a disappointment when she does. The book rocks!)

So far, so funny

I'm not even IN nursing school yet, just in the prereq's, but so far I've had a few funny moments and I imagine it's only going to get better. The best stories involve genitalia because let's face it: People are goofy about sex and/or genitals.

Story 1: Instructor is telling her students in Nurses Aide class that we should practice various skills on as many people as we can: blood pressure, pulse, respirations, etc. She says we should find a man who'll let us shave him. A classmate bursts out in disgust, "What? down THERE?"

Story 2: We are working on dummies. We realize our female dummy is anatomically correct so of course someone decides to check out the male. Except he has nothing but a patch of velcro. Turns out his genitals are velcro-removable and locked in a cabinet because people kept doing evil things to him. I have named said dummy "Bobbitt."

Story 3: Right after that, we were practicing measuring things to the CC. We had a urinal, because we didn't have enough pitchers. A classmate picked it up and said, "This is a funny looking pitcher. " We explained that it wasn't a pitcher but a bedpan. "Huh?" was the response. Another woman gently explained that it was a men's bedpan but was met with another "huh?" Finally it was bluntly said, "You put his winky in here and he pees" at which point the confused one DROPPED the pitcher and said, "I'm not doing that! I'm not touching a man there!"
uh...yeah, you're getting into Nursing. You're gonna have to.

Story 4: I had a lab partner for our first day in Anatomy and Physiology. Our assignment was to make people out playdough and practice various cuts and views (transverse, saggital, etc.). Of course we couldn't help but make anatomically correct playdough people! I'm particularly proud of my pregnant playdough person, in whom I drew a baby once I cut her open and exposed her yellow clay insides. Not so impressive was our she-male.

Story 5: Same lab partner, same day. We are labeling the regions of the body. The instructor is going over what each region is called. Arrow 8 points to our little male sketch's penis. She repeats several times that the area is the pubis. It does not fail, however, that the person sitting next to my partner is obviously a dingbat and not paying attention. She raises her hand in complete and utter cluelessness and asks, "What is #8? What should we write for #8?" I hear my partner mutter, "Just write pee-pee."

funny stuff

I've just discovered this hilarious artist named Anne Taintor. After looking at her magnets on amazon.com, I decided to go to her website and I've been chuckling all morning. She takes vintage advertisements and injects a little modern humor. The part I found MOST interesting was the Taintorettes, elderly women who had found their photos being used in her artwork. Have a look, have a laugh.

King of the dunghill

This has absolutely nothing to do with anything I've been talking about. Which, I guess, is what blogging's all about.

Did you know that there's not just a "Best of Yanni" but a "Very Best of Yanni"?

Yeah. Kinda scary.

My best analogy is that the Very Best of Yanni is kinda like that dead bird your dog brings you. He's terribly proud of it. You wish he wasn't.

What do I miss?

Someone recently asked me what was hardest about no longer being married.

My answer was that I no longer have someone to open jars.

Yeah, that's about it.

Putting the Fun in Funeral

So I've had this weird sense of mortality lately. Not that I expect to die, but it wouldn't surprise me. That kind of thing. And I've been thinking a lot about my funeral. So here's my wishes:

First of all, anyone who attends is not allowed to wear black or navy blue unless it's something they'd wear anyway. My favorite colors lately are reds and purples. Wear those!

Secondly, make sure you have a decent potluck afterwards, OK? I loves me some Southern potlucks. I have a pet peeve about them, however, and that's there are never enough deviled eggs. Seriously, why on earth would you bring six deviled eggs to a potluck of 50+ people? So you people gotta bring some deviled eggs, some with paprika and some not. And banana pudding. And greenbean casserole, of course.

Lastly, I'm particular about music. I would like the following songs to be played. I don't care what order you put them in.

Chris Rice's Untitled Hymn
Few songs move me to tears but this is one of them and it does so because of its sheer simplicity. If you have the chance to hear it, please do so. The simple lyrics completely mesh with voice and acoustic guitar.

The Servant Song
(Note: please do NOT listen to the tune on this page. It is badly and slooowly played on an organ. If you have to hear the song...I dunno, find it elsewhere).
This song is somewhat of my anthem. Anyone who knows me personally knows that I will go out of my way to help people. Servants Heart School was actually the name of our homeschool, because I want to teach my children that helping others is the most Christlike thing we can do on this earth. But I give bonus points to anyone at my funeral who secretly sings "When you laugh, I'll laugh AT you" instead of "WITH you" in verse 4. Because that's what I do.

All My Tears by Emmylou Harris
I have NO idea what Emmylou's recording sounds like since I learned this in a very bluesy style from a friend at my old church. It is hands-down my favorite song to sing and I adore the lyrics. My sister and I sang it at our aunt's funeral, just two voices blending together with no accompaniment. That's how I want it. Not Emmylou's style but the one I know.

Lastly...and this one DOES have to be last:
Breakfast by the Newsboys
I figure about this time y'all will need a laugh. You can imagine me eating my Peanut Butter Crunch in Heaven as you leave.

Life is like a box of chocolates (outdated, for 99 cents)

I have a very ungirly confession to make: I hate shopping.

Yep, I said it. I hate to shop.

That said, I have been shopping lately as I look for things for our new place. And I started thinking about how people's existences are a lot like shopping.

First and foremost, you've got the people with Mall lives. They have it all: the perfect hair, the perfect children, the perfect house, the perfect vacation. You name it, they've got it. They have a little bit of everything tasteful, just like the mall and all the un-tasteful stuff is hidden away in the secret passageways of their hearts, and so few are allowed in. Their pace of life is usually unhurried but never slow. But just like the mall, all of this comes at a high price. Usually no one has any time to spend with one another because they're too busy making sure everything is just right.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, you've got your Wal-Mart people. Loud, obnoxious and keeping their toilet habits next to their dining room tables (much like Wal-Mart), these folks live busy lives too. The difference is that they feel like they have to have a little bit of everything, but everything is cheaper. So they do everything in excess but it means so little.

My life is neither. My life, if you have to know, is somewhere between a thrift store and a "scratch and dent" (closeout) store. There are some real wonderful treasures in it, but you have to dig through the piles of crap to find them. Pass the 50 year old broken sewing machine and the industrial sized tubs of mayo, there's a beautiful work of art and a $10 box of organic cookies for $1.25.

Ideally, I'd like to have a Target life. It's about as pretty and nice as the mall but doesn't take as much work. It's almost as easy as the Wal-Mart life but there's just a slightly better quality to it. And sometimes you'll find a really great deal at Target.

But back to thrift stores, I want to know who buys framed photos of some lady and her baby circa 1980? Or used greeting cards? I mean, I can understand maybe buying a broken cellphone because you've got the parts to fix it or it's got the parts you need.

And scratch and dents...Today I could've bought a Boston Red Sox shirt for $3, a bottle of outdated salad dressing or a dented box of condoms. Condoms in a damaged-goods store? Yes, you're right. Good thing there's pregnancy tests next to them. Damaged pregnancy tests.

If you should ever find yourself needing something from the government, I can offer the following tips:

-Always show up on time for your appointment. You will have to wait three hours regardless, but at least you won't wait three hours only to be told, "You were late. You'll have to reschedule your appointment."

-Be polite. Everyone else will be rude to you and act like you owe them something. However, yelling at government employees is exactly what they want and they will heave you out of the office if you do it. Be prepared for lots of opposition, because they will attempt to provoke you.

-Have all of your paperwork ready. You will have 20 more pages to fill out, in triplicate. Some of this can be eliminated by simply handing your things over and telling the person you can't read or write.

-Feign stupidity. Stupid people get pity. Smart people get attitude. So smart people should be smart enough to play stupid.