28 August 2007

Most people keep their brains between their legs

(an amusing quote from "Such a Little Thing Makes Such a Big Difference" by Morrissey)

Dear 21 year old, very cute male lab partner,

You have made me feel like a dirty old woman. I can't help but notice you're good-looking. And funny. I couldn't help feeling a little smug that you chose to sit near me instead of any number of cute little things in the class (in your FACE, cute little things!). I understand why: We are both serious about getting good grades and having fun in the process.

But goodness gracious, when I was talking about wearing jammies to school, whyyyyyy did you have to say, "My jammies are nothing, so I can't come to school in them"?

I managed to recover by truthfully stating, "Thanks. That put a mental image in my head that'll take forever to get out." And using a tone that conveyed sarcasm and disgust. My tone MAY have been a little off from the truth. Just a tad.

Thanks for the cheap thrills,

PS. It would never work between us...but we'll always have *dramatic pause* playdough!

27 August 2007

So far, so funny

I'm not even IN nursing school yet, just in the prereq's, but so far I've had a few funny moments and I imagine it's only going to get better. The best stories involve genitalia because let's face it: People are goofy about sex and/or genitals.

Story 1: Instructor is telling her students in Nurses Aide class that we should practice various skills on as many people as we can: blood pressure, pulse, respirations, etc. She says we should find a man who'll let us shave him. A classmate bursts out in disgust, "What? down THERE?"

Story 2: We are working on dummies. We realize our female dummy is anatomically correct so of course someone decides to check out the male. Except he has nothing but a patch of velcro. Turns out his genitals are velcro-removable and locked in a cabinet because people kept doing evil things to him. I have named said dummy "Bobbitt."

Story 3: Right after that, we were practicing measuring things to the CC. We had a urinal, because we didn't have enough pitchers. A classmate picked it up and said, "This is a funny looking pitcher. " We explained that it wasn't a pitcher but a bedpan. "Huh?" was the response. Another woman gently explained that it was a men's bedpan but was met with another "huh?" Finally it was bluntly said, "You put his winky in here and he pees" at which point the confused one DROPPED the pitcher and said, "I'm not doing that! I'm not touching a man there!"
uh...yeah, you're getting into Nursing. You're gonna have to.

Story 4: I had a lab partner for our first day in Anatomy and Physiology. Our assignment was to make people out playdough and practice various cuts and views (transverse, saggital, etc.). Of course we couldn't help but make anatomically correct playdough people! I'm particularly proud of my pregnant playdough person, in whom I drew a baby once I cut her open and exposed her yellow clay insides. Not so impressive was our she-male.

Story 5: Same lab partner, same day. We are labeling the regions of the body. The instructor is going over what each region is called. Arrow 8 points to our little male sketch's penis. She repeats several times that the area is the pubis. It does not fail, however, that the person sitting next to my partner is obviously a dingbat and not paying attention. She raises her hand in complete and utter cluelessness and asks, "What is #8? What should we write for #8?" I hear my partner mutter, "Just write pee-pee."

21 August 2007

If I seem a little strange, that's because I am!

So I am trying SO hard to be all conformist and fit in around here. I attended the kids' open houses wearing my best "preppy mom" clothes. I went to the first day and dutifully introduced myself to people. I suffered through an American Idol wannabe's version of The Star Spangled Banner. I've even pondered helping in the PTO. But you know what? It came time for "a moment of silent prayer" and I cringed.

I actually cringed. And I'll tell you why.

These same people who wanted to have a moment of silent prayer are the movers and shakers, the businessmen in the good ole boy's network. They're the ones with the money and money ain't always honest. Right before said moment of silence, they were name-dropping about who was having lunch with whom, and what senator was there.

This moment of prayer is nothing more than a political statement. If my kids and I really want to pray, why do we need an officially sanctioned moment? I mean, don't get me wrong: I'm glad my children have the RIGHT to pray in school. But do they really need to join Jeb Moneybags in doing it when HE says they should?

I've realized I'm never going to fit in around here...or probably anywhere.

That's why I decided to wear my salwar kameez to school today. It was like wearing jammies. I need four more pair so I can wear them to school everyday! And yes, people stared. I'm sure they thought, "Why is that white woman wearing those hindu clothes?"

Or maybe they just thought, "Why is that white woman in shiny jammies?"

19 August 2007

unhappy birthday

Friend: He showed up and gave me my birthday present. I made him stand at the door.
Me: It wasn't a dick in a box, was it?

That one hasn't gotten old yet. Hehehehe.

Oh, and my post title? Comes from a genius song by The Smiths. (and this youtube video link is perfectly evil in a Dolores Umbridge kinda way. I love it.)

17 August 2007

enough is too much

Gah, I'm sleep-deprived and stressed-out. I feel like I can barely handle life right now. I'm sure I wouldn't feel this way if I could sleep, but I can't. So the problem is heavily compounded. I'm not going to list the bad things that are bugging me but just talk about the good. Maybe it'll help. :(

On the plus side, we went to my girls' 6th grade open house last night. The school is incredible! It's definitely limited on high-tech, modern stuff but the staff cares. You can just FEEL the desire for the kids to succeed. After spending last year in a school where my girls were discouraged from success (my daughter was given "silent lunch" for checking out a book that was "too hard" for her), our family is thrilled to be at this one. My girls sat in their homeroom, got their schedules. They were happy to find that they have the same homeroom and the same schedule. Odd, that.

I've signed up to be the homeroom mom. I figure...best way to make sure my kids are getting a good education is to BE there as much as possible. The old school discouraged me and the teachers never responded to my notes or phone calls. So viva new school! Open house for my younger two's school is tomorrow. I reallllly hope it's just as good!

Also, I went and got MY textbooks yesterday. College textbooks are a racket. $600 in textbooks for four classes. Good gracious. I'm a little nervous about this semester. I get to take my RN exam (to get into the program) for the first time next month. We'll see how that goes.

School supplies managed to be $120 total for all four kids and that included socks and shoes. Clothes were another matter but thankfully grandparents were helpful with that. I still need to get myself a binder or what have you, but I'm waiting til my first classes.

Oh, and...

High School Musical 2 is on tonight. My kids have been talking about this for a MONTH! I will be so glad to have it over, except I know Disney will air it 10000 times and I'll suffer through it at least 10% of those times.

16 August 2007

Two, two, two posts in one! (night)

I have a myspace account. I don't blog there but I do the general myspace stuff, which means I read the same five bulletins that circulate, look at people's pics and sometimes get a lolcat. As happens on myspace, a friend from middle school found me and messaged me. She moved up to a city about 2-3 hours away and she was lonely so we got to talking. She asked for my phone number. I gave it, but explained it's very hard for me to talk unless it's late. She called a couple of times but didn't want me calling back late, and life got busy and hectic and I never called back. That was back in the winter.

Last week I got a message from her asking why I never called her back. I responded apologetically saying my life was very crazy but if she'd give me HER number, I would call and explain. She didn't respond. So I was reading her myspace blog and saw that she was very lonely (she blogged about adjusting to life in the new city. Being a FL transplant too, I really understand) and I knew she'd been on. I sent her the following message:

Well, I responded to your message and asked for your phone number and I know you've been on myspace since then so...oh well!

I've had a daughter in and out of the hospital, roughly 1 1/2 hours away. She had a good few months but this was her sixth hospitalization in a year (most of them last roughly 10 days-2 weeks).

Factor in doctors/therapists appts. for four children, plus their school (including summer school) plus my school (going to nursing school), PLUS DSS things PLUS freakin grocery shopping, cleaning, activities and attempts to make money. Oh yes, and the endless drama with my abusive ex-husband who periodically decides to get stalker-ish. I've not had time to BREATHE, let alone make a phone call.

If you're all pissy because I don't return calls, I'm sorry. I asked for your phone # to try to talk but you didn't reply. I'm willing to try to be your friend but if it's going to take huge amounts of effort, I'm not going to waste energy I just flat-out don't have. You have to be patient with me - I'm barely surviving.

If, however, you didn't message me back because YOU didn't have the time, that's fine. :)

Apparently that was just too bitchy of a message because she immediately removed me from her friends list, turned her profile to private and went "away" as soon as I IM'ed her. Most of me laughs at that (how shallow!) but part of me is SUCH a fix-it that I want to MAKE her like me!

I'm messed up.

I've heard them said a hundred times (maybe less, maybe more)

I've realized there are some things I say all the time.

Dude: as in, "Dude, I can't believe you just said that."

Well: as in, "Well, I was thinking about..." (I start almost every sentence with this in Threshold. And RL.)

Like: as in "That's, like, an awful lot of 'well'."

There are some things that I say that I wish I DIDn't say.

Reckon: as in, "You reckon they're going to do that?"

Fixin: as in, "I'm fixin to go to school now."

14 August 2007

A little happy moment

I know I've posted before about grabbing onto those little one-second moments in life and enjoying them. This video makes me happy. :)

11 August 2007

little piddly problems

So I'm supposed to start school soon, as are the kids.
We have one HUGE problem.
There is one day of the week where I can't pick them up!
I'll be in class from 2:15-9:15 at night!

No idea what I'm going to do.

09 August 2007

What do you say?

What do you say when someone you know has been struck by the worst of tragedies?
What words are ever appropriate when no human should know the suffering of that person?

God knows, yes.

But no person should have to know.

You know in the book of Job, Job's friends came and sat with him for seven days and seven nights and never said anything.

I don't even think seven years would be long enough.

Pray for this family I (and some of you) know. They've lost a child in a horrible accident. And it WAS an accident.

06 August 2007

I hate being right

So I have a "friend with complications." This is like "friends with benefits" except without the fun and with all the heartbreak. Yay. He started dating a girl last month. The first words out of his mouth when I asked about her were "oh, I don't think it's gonna work out with her." I knew flat-out this was a lie, even if he didn't. So here's last night's conversation:

me: I can always tell if you've had a few drinks.
him: I haven't had any in a lonnng time! I had food, too!
me: oh, you were on a date?
him: It wasn't a date! It was an eating establishment!
me: was there a girl?
him: (pause)...yes.
me: same girl from last month?
him: (pause)...yes
me: Dude, you were on a date with you girlfriend.
him: She's not my girlfriend! We've had that conversation. She's not my girlfriend until *insert random time here*
me: She's already your girlfriend in the back of her head. That's why you HAD that conversation.

Hey Funsize, if you're reading...I bet you'll be living with her when you have to move. Because you ARE predictable. :)

And yeah, you may have broken my heart but I still have a sense of humor. This post was for fun.

04 August 2007

Funny, it's inside-out

It used to be that I was incredibly confident online, and very quiet and meek IRL.

Now I am incredibly confident in the real world (just ask anyone who's worked with or attended classes with me) but very very shy online and/or when I'm around people I know from online.

02 August 2007

something must have gone RIGHT

I just received a phone call I've been waiting for...

My children have been accepted into a GREAT school with a wait-list a mile long!

I am THRILLED and may have even shouted a "woohoo!"


01 August 2007

Sister blog

Starting a sister blog to this one over at (wait for it...) devouthypocrite.blogspot.com. Yes, it's almost the exact same URL as this...just without the hyphen. Go me. Anyway, check it out if you're interested in matters of faith. Or if you just want to watch me fall flat on my face into hypocrisy some more. ;)