Tater is going through a lot. I found a journal of hers (she gave me permission to read her journals) and it is basically a very angry letter to God spelling out very specific incidents she remembers and asking why He let them happen.
I can't blame her.
I also recently watched a video blog made by a dad who'd recently lost his 10 year old son to a rare cancer. He wanted to know why God let that happen.
So these are the things I'm thinking about lately. There are TONS of books about "Why bad things happen to good people" but you know what? You could tell me a bunch of reasons until you're blue in the face and it isn't going to ease the pain. We all know that.
So what's the right thing to do when someone faces horrible pain?
This is what I'm thinking about lately.
Tater update: Has broken a lightbulb and cut herself all over the face and arms. She's 14 and will have scars on her face from this. God help us.
School update: Less than two months to go til Pinning! I got assigned to a nursing home for Preceptors (bleh) but I'm looking forward to getting out there and working. Not looking forward to the smells though. I'm going to be an adamant vegetarian when I get old so that I don't stink everything up.
Showing posts with label tater's story. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tater's story. Show all posts
09 March 2009
07 March 2009
The Things That Matter
So now that I've had time to digest it, I'll post it. My Tater tried to kill herself the other day, and almost succeeded. When I heard the news, everything else faded away except the thoughts of "God, I wish I'd..." and the overwhelming urge to storm the facility where she is, bust down the doors and just hold my child.
We get so caught up in life and in ourselves that we forget the basic, most important aspects of life. We get caught up in looking right, in acting right, in money,in jobs, in pop culture. We forget the basic human connections that make life worth living.
Rare is the day you hear a dying person say, "I wish I'd had more shallow relationships." You hear "I wish I'd spent more time with my son" (or husband, or father, etc.). Rare is the day you hear "I wish I'd seen more mediocre films" or "I wish I'd played more Scrabble." You hear "I wish I'd taken that trip to the Grand Canyon my wife wanted to take."
Life is so short. We get one go-round. Even if you disagree with that, we get one go-round in this body and with these circumstances.
What good is it if we achieve everything material wise but have no one to share it with?
I hope this post will remind everyone that it's the PEOPLE in our lives that matter. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go play Wii...with my kids.
We get so caught up in life and in ourselves that we forget the basic, most important aspects of life. We get caught up in looking right, in acting right, in money,in jobs, in pop culture. We forget the basic human connections that make life worth living.
Rare is the day you hear a dying person say, "I wish I'd had more shallow relationships." You hear "I wish I'd spent more time with my son" (or husband, or father, etc.). Rare is the day you hear "I wish I'd seen more mediocre films" or "I wish I'd played more Scrabble." You hear "I wish I'd taken that trip to the Grand Canyon my wife wanted to take."
Life is so short. We get one go-round. Even if you disagree with that, we get one go-round in this body and with these circumstances.
What good is it if we achieve everything material wise but have no one to share it with?
I hope this post will remind everyone that it's the PEOPLE in our lives that matter. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go play Wii...with my kids.
05 February 2009
Rocking my World
So my world's being rocked but I think it's a good thing, you know?
Turns out Funsize has been deceiving me about a whole aspect of his life. I'm pretty sure he's ashamed of it, which is rather funny since this aspect supposedly has made him a better man. It was an answer to prayer for me to find out this information about him, and definitely put him into perspective as a completely lost individual who needs to be found.
Actually, that whole subject has me thinking on the beauty of absolute morality but that's another post.
Tater is in the state mental institution right now, and has lost her placement at her facility. No idea where she's going next week, and she's been hurting herself and flashing back an awful lot. I love my Taterhead and I can either fall apart and quiver with fear for her future, or I can trust that the Lord has a plan for her life.
My quote of the day yesterday was: I can't even handle my LAUNDRY problem, so why should I try to solve everything else instead of giving it to Jesus?
School is insane as usual. Three more months and then Pinning! Yay.
Have been getting close with a few girls there. We're pondering small, matching tattoos on our feet to commemorate our sisterhood, upon graduation.
Have made a couple of friends at church. When I say "friends", I mean friends. I have many acquaintances wherever I go, thanks to realizing I'm an absolute extrovert who was always so timid that I was an introvert. I'm hoping these friends become the kind of people I can have wonderful fellowship with, because I so miss that.
I don't remember if I posted or not but I laid hands on my ex-husband and prayed for him recently. It was a beautiful occurrence, so God and not me. The man is lost. I'm not saying I want to be his best buddy or anything. I just want him to have peace.
(CORRECTION: I struggle everyday with anger towards him, but the good part of me wants him to have peace.)
Anyway, my update is that my world is so being rocked and I'm rocking with it, and it's a darned good thing. I shed a few tears over allllll of the above situations but I've put them all in the Lord's hands. Now if He would only do my laundry...
Turns out Funsize has been deceiving me about a whole aspect of his life. I'm pretty sure he's ashamed of it, which is rather funny since this aspect supposedly has made him a better man. It was an answer to prayer for me to find out this information about him, and definitely put him into perspective as a completely lost individual who needs to be found.
Actually, that whole subject has me thinking on the beauty of absolute morality but that's another post.
Tater is in the state mental institution right now, and has lost her placement at her facility. No idea where she's going next week, and she's been hurting herself and flashing back an awful lot. I love my Taterhead and I can either fall apart and quiver with fear for her future, or I can trust that the Lord has a plan for her life.
My quote of the day yesterday was: I can't even handle my LAUNDRY problem, so why should I try to solve everything else instead of giving it to Jesus?
School is insane as usual. Three more months and then Pinning! Yay.
Have been getting close with a few girls there. We're pondering small, matching tattoos on our feet to commemorate our sisterhood, upon graduation.
Have made a couple of friends at church. When I say "friends", I mean friends. I have many acquaintances wherever I go, thanks to realizing I'm an absolute extrovert who was always so timid that I was an introvert. I'm hoping these friends become the kind of people I can have wonderful fellowship with, because I so miss that.
I don't remember if I posted or not but I laid hands on my ex-husband and prayed for him recently. It was a beautiful occurrence, so God and not me. The man is lost. I'm not saying I want to be his best buddy or anything. I just want him to have peace.
(CORRECTION: I struggle everyday with anger towards him, but the good part of me wants him to have peace.)
Anyway, my update is that my world is so being rocked and I'm rocking with it, and it's a darned good thing. I shed a few tears over allllll of the above situations but I've put them all in the Lord's hands. Now if He would only do my laundry...
13 October 2008
Good times
So yeah. Life's been pretty good lately. I'm rockin the coursework in the LPN program with a solid B average (which is fine, trust me). Got a great evaluation from my clinical instructors that say I'm doing great and what I do "will take you very far." And today I finished a major paper on wound healing, and I'm finally catching up on the numerous Psychology essays that are overdue. Should be all caught up with schoolwork as of this evening! Woohoo!
Taterhead is doing AMAZING. She's not perfect, still hasn't earned off-campus visits. Yet compared to where she was just two months ago, we are all tickled pink over her progress. Peanut's been doing well in school, even though he got the "mean teacher." Punkin is growing up fast and she's such a social butterfly. And Bean...wellllll, we have our good days and bad days. When they are bad, they really suck. I have been sworn at and told the ultimate, "You're not my real mom!" But by and large, Bean is turning out to be a cool person. I like talking to her.
Best of all, I have RL friends! yay! It's weird to go into your classroom and sit down and have several people wanting your attention. Most everyone wants my attention and help with LPN stuff, but a few people in particular have moved beyond that into the friendship zone. I love them muchly.
And...my bizarre friendship with Funsize is on again, which brings me lots of happiness. I wish I could explain why it's so important to have his friendship, but I can't. Just that out of all of the people I've ever known, he gets me better than anyone else, and I him. It's a cool thing and not presently a romantic thing though I admit to slight obsessions about that, and then guilt over those. Haha. I'm a dork.
So you know what, my friends? Today I just want to thank Jesus for everything. For everything awful and wretched that has brought me to this place, to this moment where I sit typing on my bed listening to my kids laugh, even if I am surrounded by laundry and books. For everything good that has happened along the way. I do want to sing along with this song because it's how I feel lately.
Taterhead is doing AMAZING. She's not perfect, still hasn't earned off-campus visits. Yet compared to where she was just two months ago, we are all tickled pink over her progress. Peanut's been doing well in school, even though he got the "mean teacher." Punkin is growing up fast and she's such a social butterfly. And Bean...wellllll, we have our good days and bad days. When they are bad, they really suck. I have been sworn at and told the ultimate, "You're not my real mom!" But by and large, Bean is turning out to be a cool person. I like talking to her.
Best of all, I have RL friends! yay! It's weird to go into your classroom and sit down and have several people wanting your attention. Most everyone wants my attention and help with LPN stuff, but a few people in particular have moved beyond that into the friendship zone. I love them muchly.
And...my bizarre friendship with Funsize is on again, which brings me lots of happiness. I wish I could explain why it's so important to have his friendship, but I can't. Just that out of all of the people I've ever known, he gets me better than anyone else, and I him. It's a cool thing and not presently a romantic thing though I admit to slight obsessions about that, and then guilt over those. Haha. I'm a dork.
So you know what, my friends? Today I just want to thank Jesus for everything. For everything awful and wretched that has brought me to this place, to this moment where I sit typing on my bed listening to my kids laugh, even if I am surrounded by laundry and books. For everything good that has happened along the way. I do want to sing along with this song because it's how I feel lately.
17 April 2008
updates updates updates
I got into the LPN program at my community college. My plan all along has been to get a Master's in Nursing so I can teach. However, I am starting at the very bottomest rung and I'm glad to be there! 96 people applied. 35 people got in. I was the top test-scorer! yay me!
On Saturday, I had to take my Nurse Aide/CNA I exam. While most of the stuff is common sense, I had a little problem. I've never DONE half the stuff they're testing on. I had to drop out before clinicals last time I took the CNA class. And this time, the clinicals started after the LPN class. I had to be certified before the LPN class began!
So...without practicing anything for the skills portion, and without a book to study for the written portion, I went and took the test. I didn't realize how nerve-wracking it would be as a proctor watched me and ticked off things on a checklist as I did them. Have you ever tried to feed another person with a third person watching you intently? Rather unsettling! Anyway, I passed. I got my Nurse Aide Certification which means I can wipe butts with the best of 'em. Next up: LPN! Just one year and I'll be a low-on-the-totem-pole nurse.
Tater has been in and out of facilities for the past few weeks, which threw our family back into crisis. I swear I don't know which way is up at this point. Two days ago she was admitted into a home where she will live for a minimum of 1.5 years. She can't level out of this placement because THIS is the place where kids who assault staff and run and such go. It is seriously like a prison as far as security. Every door is locked and every room (save bathrooms) has a video camera. The place is monitored and staffed by nurses 24/7.
More on the Tater front. She has finished her 12 hours of neuro/psych testing. Four sessions. That's a lot of contact hours. I go next month to speak with the doc and find the results. A couple of weeks ago he suspected brain damage. I've been doing some reading and I suspect he may be right. We'll see, though. The thought of my daughter having something incurable, something that CAN'T be healed with therapy and meds, is just overwhelming. I feel sick to my stomach and I want to just curl up into a ball again and cry for days. And yet...and yet...it would almost be a relief to find out at this point. Because at least we'd KNOW what's wrong and what we can expect.
So there you have it. Life is good and bad but always interesting. Which just proves that God gives the best presents there are.
On Saturday, I had to take my Nurse Aide/CNA I exam. While most of the stuff is common sense, I had a little problem. I've never DONE half the stuff they're testing on. I had to drop out before clinicals last time I took the CNA class. And this time, the clinicals started after the LPN class. I had to be certified before the LPN class began!
So...without practicing anything for the skills portion, and without a book to study for the written portion, I went and took the test. I didn't realize how nerve-wracking it would be as a proctor watched me and ticked off things on a checklist as I did them. Have you ever tried to feed another person with a third person watching you intently? Rather unsettling! Anyway, I passed. I got my Nurse Aide Certification which means I can wipe butts with the best of 'em. Next up: LPN! Just one year and I'll be a low-on-the-totem-pole nurse.
Tater has been in and out of facilities for the past few weeks, which threw our family back into crisis. I swear I don't know which way is up at this point. Two days ago she was admitted into a home where she will live for a minimum of 1.5 years. She can't level out of this placement because THIS is the place where kids who assault staff and run and such go. It is seriously like a prison as far as security. Every door is locked and every room (save bathrooms) has a video camera. The place is monitored and staffed by nurses 24/7.
More on the Tater front. She has finished her 12 hours of neuro/psych testing. Four sessions. That's a lot of contact hours. I go next month to speak with the doc and find the results. A couple of weeks ago he suspected brain damage. I've been doing some reading and I suspect he may be right. We'll see, though. The thought of my daughter having something incurable, something that CAN'T be healed with therapy and meds, is just overwhelming. I feel sick to my stomach and I want to just curl up into a ball again and cry for days. And yet...and yet...it would almost be a relief to find out at this point. Because at least we'd KNOW what's wrong and what we can expect.
So there you have it. Life is good and bad but always interesting. Which just proves that God gives the best presents there are.
25 March 2008
hash browns
Tater has blown her placement at the school she's at. I don't know what the future has for her, but I know she'll be going someplace much more severe. I am so sad for my daughter. I wish there were a better mental health system in place. I wish we had more understanding into how the human mind works. I wish, I wish, I wish lots of things.
18 January 2008
Mountains, molehills and me
So. There's been a lot of stuff going on. And I guess maybe my perspective's out of whack because of it. I tend to get through major stresses with nary a hair out of place, but I lose my patience at the tiniest of things. I am making molehills of mountains and mountains of molehills and I realize this but I can't seem to change it. :(
Tater has been placed at a residential, long-term-care facility a couple of hours away. I got to visit her on Wednesday and she seems pretty happy there. She turns 13 on Monday so we're going to see her this weekend, weather permitting.
The Bear has been back in the picture and then seems to be fading out but I don't know. It upsets me because it upsets my children. They got used to him being there and now it seems he's leaving again. My poor Peanut has been a mess because of it.
I have some amusing little anecdotes about the kids. Thankfully through all the stress, we've had plenty of times to just throw our heads back and laugh. Is there any sound sweeter than that of a child's laughter? I can't think of one!
Tater has been placed at a residential, long-term-care facility a couple of hours away. I got to visit her on Wednesday and she seems pretty happy there. She turns 13 on Monday so we're going to see her this weekend, weather permitting.
The Bear has been back in the picture and then seems to be fading out but I don't know. It upsets me because it upsets my children. They got used to him being there and now it seems he's leaving again. My poor Peanut has been a mess because of it.
I have some amusing little anecdotes about the kids. Thankfully through all the stress, we've had plenty of times to just throw our heads back and laugh. Is there any sound sweeter than that of a child's laughter? I can't think of one!
02 January 2008
So. Good things?
Since I'm so down, it's time to look at good things about this year.
Tater enters a residential care facility on the 7th. That means no more being tied down to homeschooling her, even though I enjoy it. It also means I don't have to stress every second about whether or not she's OK. Because she'll be great! It also means visits with her dad will be supervised by pros. Yay.
I turn 35 on the 12th. Yeah, my hair's getting grayer (fortunately, my hair dye covers well) and I'm getting some laugh lines. But you know what? I work out at the gym and feel great when I do it. I'm intelligent. I'm funny. And I'm adventurous. These things don't have to stop just cause I'm turning 35.
Yes, I'm halfway to 70. But so what? I'm only HALF there! I still have 35 more years to go!
So yeah, my marriage effed up and ended last year. My first wedding anniversary as a divorced woman. And yeah, I don't have a romantic interest of any sort on the horizon. So what? SO WHAT! My life is full of friends and family! Yes, I would LOVE to have someone to grow old with but hey, I have 35 more years til 70! Maybe someone will come along in the next 10. Maybe not. If not, I will be a wacky old maid. Actually, I'll be off traveling the world, I'm sure.
So I'm not in the nursing program and probably won't get into it this year. OK. This either means a) I am not meant to be a nurse and have another path before me, or b) I'm not meant to be a nurse NOW and will be one later. Either way, I'm fine! You know why? Because predictability is boring. It really is.
As much as I complain about the craziness of my life, I like it. It suits me. I would be BORED to TEARS if my life were always the same. Yes, there's comfort in routines. But I find that I am consistently knocking people out of their comfort zones, and I like it!
So bring it on 2008! Let's see what you've got in store!
Tater enters a residential care facility on the 7th. That means no more being tied down to homeschooling her, even though I enjoy it. It also means I don't have to stress every second about whether or not she's OK. Because she'll be great! It also means visits with her dad will be supervised by pros. Yay.
I turn 35 on the 12th. Yeah, my hair's getting grayer (fortunately, my hair dye covers well) and I'm getting some laugh lines. But you know what? I work out at the gym and feel great when I do it. I'm intelligent. I'm funny. And I'm adventurous. These things don't have to stop just cause I'm turning 35.
Yes, I'm halfway to 70. But so what? I'm only HALF there! I still have 35 more years to go!
So yeah, my marriage effed up and ended last year. My first wedding anniversary as a divorced woman. And yeah, I don't have a romantic interest of any sort on the horizon. So what? SO WHAT! My life is full of friends and family! Yes, I would LOVE to have someone to grow old with but hey, I have 35 more years til 70! Maybe someone will come along in the next 10. Maybe not. If not, I will be a wacky old maid. Actually, I'll be off traveling the world, I'm sure.
So I'm not in the nursing program and probably won't get into it this year. OK. This either means a) I am not meant to be a nurse and have another path before me, or b) I'm not meant to be a nurse NOW and will be one later. Either way, I'm fine! You know why? Because predictability is boring. It really is.
As much as I complain about the craziness of my life, I like it. It suits me. I would be BORED to TEARS if my life were always the same. Yes, there's comfort in routines. But I find that I am consistently knocking people out of their comfort zones, and I like it!
So bring it on 2008! Let's see what you've got in store!
29 December 2007
A feeling of dread (dum dum DUM)
Last year was just a lot of fun. This summer til a few weeks ago, I was pretty depressed and didn't find life fun anymore. I started getting a sense of humor and adventure last month, and am doing OK.
But...
New Year is approaching.
Tater enters residential care on January 7th.
I have a birthday on January 12th. I turn 35. I did OK last year but I got to go away for the weekend and had probably the best birthday I've had since I was a kid.
My former wedding anniversary is January 15th. I did OK that day last year but I had something to look forward to, a trip to LA (I'd received the invitation on my birthday).
Tater's birthday is on the 21st. She won't be here.
I had looked forward to this being the year I entered the nursing program but it's not going to happen. I thought this year would be the one that put me on my path towards the rest of my life.
I suppose I will have to sit down and actually write out some positive things to look forward to, but I can't think of any at the moment. I'll make it a point to do that in the next post.
But...
New Year is approaching.
Tater enters residential care on January 7th.
I have a birthday on January 12th. I turn 35. I did OK last year but I got to go away for the weekend and had probably the best birthday I've had since I was a kid.
My former wedding anniversary is January 15th. I did OK that day last year but I had something to look forward to, a trip to LA (I'd received the invitation on my birthday).
Tater's birthday is on the 21st. She won't be here.
I had looked forward to this being the year I entered the nursing program but it's not going to happen. I thought this year would be the one that put me on my path towards the rest of my life.
I suppose I will have to sit down and actually write out some positive things to look forward to, but I can't think of any at the moment. I'll make it a point to do that in the next post.
16 December 2007
God bless us, every one! Even that guy over there, though he's kinda smelly!
So life loves to just mess my cynical self up by giving me things to be happy about. It especially likes to do this at Christmas time which has, historically, been my least favorite time of year and also the point at which Western society's redeeming qualities are at their lowest. Really. It's ALL about buying into the Christmas image which is as real as Santa Claus.
Anyway, Christmas this year was going to be a struggle. Last year, even though I had a broken foot, I had had a job, had a little money saved up. This time around I've got nothing. I'm spending now over $100 on gas per week which is KILLING my budget. I also have had to make a bunch of unexpected trips to hospitals, etc., none of which are close by. I've also tapped out my parents, who are well enough off but don't need their daughter and grandkids leeching off of their retirement money. I was kinda faced with "Hey, you guys can have new coats or new blankets. Which one do ya want?"
My son's teacher had no idea what was going on in our family, just that we were a single parent family with issues. She didn't know about The Bear's abuse or Tater's in-and-out-of-the-hospital thing or any of that. She only knows Peanut and that he's been one stressed-out little boy who doesn't always make it to school on time and doesn't always have what he's supposed to (Look, YOU take a kid to the hospital and come back, get your kids, get 'em to bed at 10:30 pm, get 'em up and to school 30 miles away by 7:45 and see if YOU can get them everything). Anyway, Peanut's teacher (We'll call her Mrs. J) requested prayer for Peanut whilst at Bible study or church or something.
Long story short: Really cool guy came up to her after that and asked if he could sponsor our family for Christmas. Decided to ask everyone coming to his Christmas party if they would bring a gift. Really cool guy (RCG) had no idea what was going to happen. He called me the other day to tell me that 20-something people were out shopping for us. WOW.
So last night we picked up Tater and drove a couple of hours to RCG's house. First off, I want to say that I felt more "at home" at RCG's house with those folks than I have since moving to NC. GREAT people. We were instantly welcomed with nary an awkward moment. We weren't on display or anything, just got to sit right down and eat some barbecue and talk and all that. Kids played video games and such. I wish we lived closer to RCG just because the people (including the very-amusing RCG) were so cool that I want to spend more time with them.
Present time arrived. My good gracious, you have never seen so many gifts in your life! And the best part was how incredibly thankful my children were! As they pulled out blankets and coats and clothes and toothbrushes and even underwear, they were so glad to have them. Additionally, Peanut and Punkin got new sheets (Transformers and Disney Princesses, respectively) that they LOVE. There was a fishing rod for Peanut, a pastels set for Tater, a bunch of doll stuff for Punkin and hair-doing stuff for Bean. It was amazing! I do confess here on my blog that my eyes leaked. Poor little suckers just couldn't keep that water in. Might need to be repaired.
We have a seven seat minivan. (Yes, I know. A minivan. I am so, SO uncool.) We occupied five of those seats. The gifts occupied the other two, plus the trunk, plus in between the seats AND on our laps. We also had some leftovers on the dash. The car was so full. Now my little living room is full! Presently Punkin is running around in Santa earmuffs, a shirt, another shirt, a pair of underwear, a Disney princess crown and some jewelry, searching for "a giant lipstick". I am laughing! There's Christmas carnage everywhere - gift bags, boxes, tissue paper!
I needed last night more than you know. About six months ago, I lost hope. I lost any hope of life ever being anything than what it was. About three months ago, I bought into the lies that I am a bad mom. Sure, I've stuck through thick and thin with my kids, far more than I think some people would be able to. But despite our stressful circumstances, I believed that any normal and good mom would always have her children's things perfectly in order. Realistically, I don't know ANYONE who could do what I've had to do and have it all together. But I bought into the lie that I just suck. In my darkest moments, I've actually pondered just giving my children over to Social Services because I must just be the worst mom in the universe.
Last night, my children showed me that I do things right. Just like when we visited Funsize in April and they voluntarily all piled into Funsize's bed and were so thankful for our vacation, last night my children were so incredibly grateful and happy for one another. Each one of them was so excited for the others with each new gift. If I have done nothing but teach my children that THEY are not the center of the universe, then I think I've done them a huge favor the some people never get.
Anyway, these are just some jumbled thoughts. I'll post the pics when they're sent to me and I'm sure my thinking will be clearer then.
Until then, Merry Christmas!
Anyway, Christmas this year was going to be a struggle. Last year, even though I had a broken foot, I had had a job, had a little money saved up. This time around I've got nothing. I'm spending now over $100 on gas per week which is KILLING my budget. I also have had to make a bunch of unexpected trips to hospitals, etc., none of which are close by. I've also tapped out my parents, who are well enough off but don't need their daughter and grandkids leeching off of their retirement money. I was kinda faced with "Hey, you guys can have new coats or new blankets. Which one do ya want?"
My son's teacher had no idea what was going on in our family, just that we were a single parent family with issues. She didn't know about The Bear's abuse or Tater's in-and-out-of-the-hospital thing or any of that. She only knows Peanut and that he's been one stressed-out little boy who doesn't always make it to school on time and doesn't always have what he's supposed to (Look, YOU take a kid to the hospital and come back, get your kids, get 'em to bed at 10:30 pm, get 'em up and to school 30 miles away by 7:45 and see if YOU can get them everything). Anyway, Peanut's teacher (We'll call her Mrs. J) requested prayer for Peanut whilst at Bible study or church or something.
Long story short: Really cool guy came up to her after that and asked if he could sponsor our family for Christmas. Decided to ask everyone coming to his Christmas party if they would bring a gift. Really cool guy (RCG) had no idea what was going to happen. He called me the other day to tell me that 20-something people were out shopping for us. WOW.
So last night we picked up Tater and drove a couple of hours to RCG's house. First off, I want to say that I felt more "at home" at RCG's house with those folks than I have since moving to NC. GREAT people. We were instantly welcomed with nary an awkward moment. We weren't on display or anything, just got to sit right down and eat some barbecue and talk and all that. Kids played video games and such. I wish we lived closer to RCG just because the people (including the very-amusing RCG) were so cool that I want to spend more time with them.
Present time arrived. My good gracious, you have never seen so many gifts in your life! And the best part was how incredibly thankful my children were! As they pulled out blankets and coats and clothes and toothbrushes and even underwear, they were so glad to have them. Additionally, Peanut and Punkin got new sheets (Transformers and Disney Princesses, respectively) that they LOVE. There was a fishing rod for Peanut, a pastels set for Tater, a bunch of doll stuff for Punkin and hair-doing stuff for Bean. It was amazing! I do confess here on my blog that my eyes leaked. Poor little suckers just couldn't keep that water in. Might need to be repaired.
We have a seven seat minivan. (Yes, I know. A minivan. I am so, SO uncool.) We occupied five of those seats. The gifts occupied the other two, plus the trunk, plus in between the seats AND on our laps. We also had some leftovers on the dash. The car was so full. Now my little living room is full! Presently Punkin is running around in Santa earmuffs, a shirt, another shirt, a pair of underwear, a Disney princess crown and some jewelry, searching for "a giant lipstick". I am laughing! There's Christmas carnage everywhere - gift bags, boxes, tissue paper!
I needed last night more than you know. About six months ago, I lost hope. I lost any hope of life ever being anything than what it was. About three months ago, I bought into the lies that I am a bad mom. Sure, I've stuck through thick and thin with my kids, far more than I think some people would be able to. But despite our stressful circumstances, I believed that any normal and good mom would always have her children's things perfectly in order. Realistically, I don't know ANYONE who could do what I've had to do and have it all together. But I bought into the lie that I just suck. In my darkest moments, I've actually pondered just giving my children over to Social Services because I must just be the worst mom in the universe.
Last night, my children showed me that I do things right. Just like when we visited Funsize in April and they voluntarily all piled into Funsize's bed and were so thankful for our vacation, last night my children were so incredibly grateful and happy for one another. Each one of them was so excited for the others with each new gift. If I have done nothing but teach my children that THEY are not the center of the universe, then I think I've done them a huge favor the some people never get.
Anyway, these are just some jumbled thoughts. I'll post the pics when they're sent to me and I'm sure my thinking will be clearer then.
Until then, Merry Christmas!
13 December 2007
updates updates updates
So I haven't blogged in a while really. Here are some updates:
Tater is still living in therapeutic foster care but comes home to me every day to be homeschooled. It's an interesting arrangement but really only a bandaid until a long-term placement becomes available. We are hoping to get her somewhere where she can have school, therapy and home all in one spot. Yes, it's THAT severe.
The Bear decided he wanted to be part of the kids' lives after all. He has his first therapy session with the younger three today. I am not trying to be pessimistic but realistic. I am afraid he will soon drop out of their lives again, just when they get used to having him there. I am also afraid he will be a manipulative jerk like he was before. :( Punkin has been very anxious these past few days and really acting younger than she is. I dread the weekend.
Speaking of the weekend, we have our own "Christmas miracle" that I'll blog later. Suffice to say that life insists on giving me --a known scrooge-- happy things at Christmastime. I really hate it. ;)
In other news, I had to drop out of school a couple of weeks ago. Real bummer, that, but it was one of those things I couldn't avoid. My entire existence is now spent jumping through hoops for various agencies and what not. Yay. The Bear lied to Social Services again and said that I was institutionalized, so now I get to go have mental health evaluations and such. I released my medical records to them but hey...why check THOSE out to find out the truth when we can just create more paperwork for everyone by making me go?
Anyway, I guess that's about it. I'll have more news tomorrow from today's therapy session.
Tater is still living in therapeutic foster care but comes home to me every day to be homeschooled. It's an interesting arrangement but really only a bandaid until a long-term placement becomes available. We are hoping to get her somewhere where she can have school, therapy and home all in one spot. Yes, it's THAT severe.
The Bear decided he wanted to be part of the kids' lives after all. He has his first therapy session with the younger three today. I am not trying to be pessimistic but realistic. I am afraid he will soon drop out of their lives again, just when they get used to having him there. I am also afraid he will be a manipulative jerk like he was before. :( Punkin has been very anxious these past few days and really acting younger than she is. I dread the weekend.
Speaking of the weekend, we have our own "Christmas miracle" that I'll blog later. Suffice to say that life insists on giving me --a known scrooge-- happy things at Christmastime. I really hate it. ;)
In other news, I had to drop out of school a couple of weeks ago. Real bummer, that, but it was one of those things I couldn't avoid. My entire existence is now spent jumping through hoops for various agencies and what not. Yay. The Bear lied to Social Services again and said that I was institutionalized, so now I get to go have mental health evaluations and such. I released my medical records to them but hey...why check THOSE out to find out the truth when we can just create more paperwork for everyone by making me go?
Anyway, I guess that's about it. I'll have more news tomorrow from today's therapy session.
12 October 2007
don't want to be a grownup!
Life is awful right now. Really bad. Probably the worst it's been since before leaving The Bear.
Tater is gone.
She was hospitalized for the seventh time last week and is now in therapeutic foster care.
I can't see her for 30 days. My heart breaks.
Additionally, Bean is having all sorts of issues that are very serious and I fear for my little girl. I pray that with Tater gone, we can have more time to deal with them.
Peanut has been extremely ill. I'm not sure what's wrong with him but we've made a few trips to the doc. He missed a week of school.
Punkin, thankfully, seems to be holding her own for now.
I'm failing school because I've had to miss so much -including midterms- to deal with all of this. I am now looking at dropping out and just being a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant/Aide). That isn't a bad plan, really. It's not where my heart is, but it's doable. At least it's better than being a waitress.
Anyway, I just feel like I'm falling apart with all the social services, school, mental health, medical, etc. obligations. And to top it off, I have pinkeye! in my one good eye! And no health insurance. :(
I wish there were someone to take care of me when I'm so tired from taking care of everyone else. But there just isn't.
Morrissey song of the week: That's How People Grow Up
I was driving my car
I crashed and broke my spine
So yes, there are things worse in life than
Never being someone's sweetie
...
As for me I'm ok
For now anyway
Tater is gone.
She was hospitalized for the seventh time last week and is now in therapeutic foster care.
I can't see her for 30 days. My heart breaks.
Additionally, Bean is having all sorts of issues that are very serious and I fear for my little girl. I pray that with Tater gone, we can have more time to deal with them.
Peanut has been extremely ill. I'm not sure what's wrong with him but we've made a few trips to the doc. He missed a week of school.
Punkin, thankfully, seems to be holding her own for now.
I'm failing school because I've had to miss so much -including midterms- to deal with all of this. I am now looking at dropping out and just being a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant/Aide). That isn't a bad plan, really. It's not where my heart is, but it's doable. At least it's better than being a waitress.
Anyway, I just feel like I'm falling apart with all the social services, school, mental health, medical, etc. obligations. And to top it off, I have pinkeye! in my one good eye! And no health insurance. :(
I wish there were someone to take care of me when I'm so tired from taking care of everyone else. But there just isn't.
Morrissey song of the week: That's How People Grow Up
I was driving my car
I crashed and broke my spine
So yes, there are things worse in life than
Never being someone's sweetie
...
As for me I'm ok
For now anyway
04 September 2006
bravery
When I set out at the beginning of this summer, there were SO MANY things I didn't ever want to do. I even had panic attacks at the thought of some of them, and swore up and down I wouldn't survive if I had to go through them. Funny how years of being told you're worthless will convince you that you can't do anything worthwhile.
Without further fanfare, I want you to know that I have:
-managed to talk to not one, not two but THREE Child Protective Services people (not counting the fourth and fifth ones on the phone). I was terrified of them. I was terrified they would take my children away. I had no reason to fear that, but I was utterly convinced.
-been able to talk to a magistrate about the abuse and get a restraining order against my husband, though it was only temporary.
-entered a courtroom where my angry husband was present, when his actions even disturbed the court guards. They actually had me hidden for a little while because he was being suspicious. And I was escorted out and walked to my car, under their watchful eyes.
-gone into another courtroom and hold a mostly-civil conversation with my husband about, of all things, Morrissey. Also managed not to deck him when he suggested we go back to the house for sex since we ARE still technically married.
-survived countless pieces of my heart being torn out with each new tale of abuse. Some of this is still going on and though I always feel like I can't take anymore, I always can.
-loved my children more than I thought I ever could. I am so proud of them!
-lived through and actually enjoyed the hellish weekend before our big separation hearing by meeting up with long-time online friends. Those of you at T-con probably didn't know my entire future was hanging in the balance the day afterwards, and you probably thought I had food poisoning or a virus like that other person. Actually I was just really really panicked! You also have to know that I don't even CALL people, even my sister, because I am so so shy about it. So going to another state to meet y'all, walking into a hotel and approaching complete strangers to ask if they were with the con...that was nothing short of a miracle! And I love you all. mwah!
(I'm not kidding about how shy I am. I really don't even call Domino's if I can avoid it, and they could care less about me. And yes, I don't call my sister because one time she mistook me for her best friend and talked to be for about 10 minutes before realizing it was me, and then there was this huge awkwardness and I felt horrible. I have issues, I tell you.)
-driven my daughter to a hospital an hour away and left her there for 10 days, because she needed and wanted help. I never thought I could do that, but it has been worth every second because SHE is so proud of herself!
-left my children in the care of other people. Besides my parents' care, they have gone to Vacation Bible Schools, churches and now public school. I used to worry about them constantly. I still worry, but I want them to be free to be who they are.
-faced life as a single mom and realized it's not as bleak as I thought. I have Jesus. I have friends around the world, some of whom pray for me regularly. This is great encouragement to me.
Lastly, I have been able to forgive. That's a biggie and deserves its own post.
Without further fanfare, I want you to know that I have:
-managed to talk to not one, not two but THREE Child Protective Services people (not counting the fourth and fifth ones on the phone). I was terrified of them. I was terrified they would take my children away. I had no reason to fear that, but I was utterly convinced.
-been able to talk to a magistrate about the abuse and get a restraining order against my husband, though it was only temporary.
-entered a courtroom where my angry husband was present, when his actions even disturbed the court guards. They actually had me hidden for a little while because he was being suspicious. And I was escorted out and walked to my car, under their watchful eyes.
-gone into another courtroom and hold a mostly-civil conversation with my husband about, of all things, Morrissey. Also managed not to deck him when he suggested we go back to the house for sex since we ARE still technically married.
-survived countless pieces of my heart being torn out with each new tale of abuse. Some of this is still going on and though I always feel like I can't take anymore, I always can.
-loved my children more than I thought I ever could. I am so proud of them!
-lived through and actually enjoyed the hellish weekend before our big separation hearing by meeting up with long-time online friends. Those of you at T-con probably didn't know my entire future was hanging in the balance the day afterwards, and you probably thought I had food poisoning or a virus like that other person. Actually I was just really really panicked! You also have to know that I don't even CALL people, even my sister, because I am so so shy about it. So going to another state to meet y'all, walking into a hotel and approaching complete strangers to ask if they were with the con...that was nothing short of a miracle! And I love you all. mwah!
(I'm not kidding about how shy I am. I really don't even call Domino's if I can avoid it, and they could care less about me. And yes, I don't call my sister because one time she mistook me for her best friend and talked to be for about 10 minutes before realizing it was me, and then there was this huge awkwardness and I felt horrible. I have issues, I tell you.)
-driven my daughter to a hospital an hour away and left her there for 10 days, because she needed and wanted help. I never thought I could do that, but it has been worth every second because SHE is so proud of herself!
-left my children in the care of other people. Besides my parents' care, they have gone to Vacation Bible Schools, churches and now public school. I used to worry about them constantly. I still worry, but I want them to be free to be who they are.
-faced life as a single mom and realized it's not as bleak as I thought. I have Jesus. I have friends around the world, some of whom pray for me regularly. This is great encouragement to me.
Lastly, I have been able to forgive. That's a biggie and deserves its own post.
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