The world may end now

After 33 years, I can officially declare myself a woman.

It has nothing to do with sex, childbirth or profound mental/emotional revelations. No, it goes further into the mysteries of the cosmos than any of those things. Today...I wanted a pair of shoes.

Let me just say that I am a barefoot kinda girl. I hate shoes. Loathe them. Given the choice between wearing heels and a root canal, I'd pick the maniac dentist everytime. Until now.

Yep, those boots right there. Saw them in Target when I was looking for sensible pumps to wear to a job interview. I had to have them. I tried to avoid them. I walked away and browsed the obnoxious pointy-toed pumps. But they called to me across the shoe department, "Jooooooo! Come put us on. We'll make your calves look sexy instead of fat!"

So I went to try them on, figuring they wouldn't zip over my fat and swollen legs and I could put this whole ridiculous shoe business behind me.

Surprise, surprise. They fit. And they look PHENOMENAL. Of course, I had to go buy a skirt to go with them. And a sweater to go with that. Shame, that.

King of the dunghill

This has absolutely nothing to do with anything I've been talking about. Which, I guess, is what blogging's all about.

Did you know that there's not just a "Best of Yanni" but a "Very Best of Yanni"?

Yeah. Kinda scary.

My best analogy is that the Very Best of Yanni is kinda like that dead bird your dog brings you. He's terribly proud of it. You wish he wasn't.

What do I miss?

Someone recently asked me what was hardest about no longer being married.

My answer was that I no longer have someone to open jars.

Yeah, that's about it.

saying what you mean

Why don't people ever come straight out and say exactly what they mean/feel/think?

I'm just as guilty.

To Forgive

There's so much to say about forgiveness that I scarcely know where to begin. I'll probably blog more about it tomorrow but here's some random thoughts:

I've been reading a lot of Steve Taylor/Chagall Guevara's lyrics and ran across this song that I vaguely remember. Part of it says...

Follow his lead
Let the madness recede
When we shatter the cycle of pain
Oh, we will live
To forgive

I love that part about shattering the cycle of pain. If we hold onto our anger, to our bitterness, we are allowing the person who wronged us to continue controlling our lives. It is not THEM who is punished - it is US.

A couple of weeks ago I went to a church and found "If" by Amy Carmichael tucked into my bulletin. Amy was a Christian missionary in India who rescued temple prostitutes (children). She certainly saw a lot of things that we would find hard to forgive. This particular part caught my eye:

If I say, "Yes, I forgive, but I cannot forget," as though the God, who twice a day washes all the sands on all the shores of all the world, could not wash such memories from my mind, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

Isn't that beautiful?

what an awful, awful day

Today has been a wretched day.

I don't even have the luxury of contemplating suicide, as I have four people who depend solely on me for their lives. I won't leave them. So don't worry.

And I'd like to say that no, this isn't a cry for attention. I just feel like crap. This is where I vent. There.

I am going to go cry a million tears I thought I was done crying.

Putting the Fun in Funeral

So I've had this weird sense of mortality lately. Not that I expect to die, but it wouldn't surprise me. That kind of thing. And I've been thinking a lot about my funeral. So here's my wishes:

First of all, anyone who attends is not allowed to wear black or navy blue unless it's something they'd wear anyway. My favorite colors lately are reds and purples. Wear those!

Secondly, make sure you have a decent potluck afterwards, OK? I loves me some Southern potlucks. I have a pet peeve about them, however, and that's there are never enough deviled eggs. Seriously, why on earth would you bring six deviled eggs to a potluck of 50+ people? So you people gotta bring some deviled eggs, some with paprika and some not. And banana pudding. And greenbean casserole, of course.

Lastly, I'm particular about music. I would like the following songs to be played. I don't care what order you put them in.

Chris Rice's Untitled Hymn
Few songs move me to tears but this is one of them and it does so because of its sheer simplicity. If you have the chance to hear it, please do so. The simple lyrics completely mesh with voice and acoustic guitar.

The Servant Song
(Note: please do NOT listen to the tune on this page. It is badly and slooowly played on an organ. If you have to hear the song...I dunno, find it elsewhere).
This song is somewhat of my anthem. Anyone who knows me personally knows that I will go out of my way to help people. Servants Heart School was actually the name of our homeschool, because I want to teach my children that helping others is the most Christlike thing we can do on this earth. But I give bonus points to anyone at my funeral who secretly sings "When you laugh, I'll laugh AT you" instead of "WITH you" in verse 4. Because that's what I do.

All My Tears by Emmylou Harris
I have NO idea what Emmylou's recording sounds like since I learned this in a very bluesy style from a friend at my old church. It is hands-down my favorite song to sing and I adore the lyrics. My sister and I sang it at our aunt's funeral, just two voices blending together with no accompaniment. That's how I want it. Not Emmylou's style but the one I know.

Lastly...and this one DOES have to be last:
Breakfast by the Newsboys
I figure about this time y'all will need a laugh. You can imagine me eating my Peanut Butter Crunch in Heaven as you leave.

bravery

When I set out at the beginning of this summer, there were SO MANY things I didn't ever want to do. I even had panic attacks at the thought of some of them, and swore up and down I wouldn't survive if I had to go through them. Funny how years of being told you're worthless will convince you that you can't do anything worthwhile.

Without further fanfare, I want you to know that I have:

-managed to talk to not one, not two but THREE Child Protective Services people (not counting the fourth and fifth ones on the phone). I was terrified of them. I was terrified they would take my children away. I had no reason to fear that, but I was utterly convinced.

-been able to talk to a magistrate about the abuse and get a restraining order against my husband, though it was only temporary.

-entered a courtroom where my angry husband was present, when his actions even disturbed the court guards. They actually had me hidden for a little while because he was being suspicious. And I was escorted out and walked to my car, under their watchful eyes.

-gone into another courtroom and hold a mostly-civil conversation with my husband about, of all things, Morrissey. Also managed not to deck him when he suggested we go back to the house for sex since we ARE still technically married.

-survived countless pieces of my heart being torn out with each new tale of abuse. Some of this is still going on and though I always feel like I can't take anymore, I always can.

-loved my children more than I thought I ever could. I am so proud of them!

-lived through and actually enjoyed the hellish weekend before our big separation hearing by meeting up with long-time online friends. Those of you at T-con probably didn't know my entire future was hanging in the balance the day afterwards, and you probably thought I had food poisoning or a virus like that other person. Actually I was just really really panicked! You also have to know that I don't even CALL people, even my sister, because I am so so shy about it. So going to another state to meet y'all, walking into a hotel and approaching complete strangers to ask if they were with the con...that was nothing short of a miracle! And I love you all. mwah!

(I'm not kidding about how shy I am. I really don't even call Domino's if I can avoid it, and they could care less about me. And yes, I don't call my sister because one time she mistook me for her best friend and talked to be for about 10 minutes before realizing it was me, and then there was this huge awkwardness and I felt horrible. I have issues, I tell you.)

-driven my daughter to a hospital an hour away and left her there for 10 days, because she needed and wanted help. I never thought I could do that, but it has been worth every second because SHE is so proud of herself!

-left my children in the care of other people. Besides my parents' care, they have gone to Vacation Bible Schools, churches and now public school. I used to worry about them constantly. I still worry, but I want them to be free to be who they are.

-faced life as a single mom and realized it's not as bleak as I thought. I have Jesus. I have friends around the world, some of whom pray for me regularly. This is great encouragement to me.

Lastly, I have been able to forgive. That's a biggie and deserves its own post.

Go to the Back of the Class!

When I was a kid, we had a game called Go to the Head of the Class and it was maybe my favorite game we owned other than Life (I liked the little peg people in that one). You answered questions and got to advance based on intelligence. I usually did pretty well.

Today I would lose.

Here's a tip: Don't get mad at someone for ignoring your IM's when your computer logs itself out of Aim everytime the stupid screen saver comes on and then automatically reconnects you when you become active again. Might want to check that, dumbbutt. Go back three spaces.

More dummy points for emailing someone when half asleep. Go back one space.

Bonus points for playing off the email reply as something you were expecting anyway, even though you don't remember sending the first one. Go forward one space.

Also, this gem from the book of Jeremiah:

" The heart is deceitful above all things,
And desperately wicked;
Who can know it? "

I know per therapists that emotions are our guidebooks to life, but I think mine take after the Thresh rangers.