What will YOU be like when you get old and senile?

I've been busting my tail at a long-term care facility, so I've encountered some absolutely funny situations. One thing that gets me is that when old people start losing their minds, they talk about events that happened yeaaaaars ago. That got me to thinking.

What will -I- talk about?

I hope to God I am not one of those women who flashes residents for bingo cards or something unless I've had some fake boobs put in. Otherwise, I guess by that time, I'll just pick up my skirt? (Counter that with the pervy old men who actually pay women like that).

Will I be one of those women who sings songs that no one knows because they're from, like, a gazillion years ago and not popular. When I sing Morrissey's "Life Is a Pigsty", will someone think I'm suicidal?

Oh no! Will I think I'm a mage or a warrior or a cleric or something from a roleplaying game? Will I wiggle my fingers at people, thinking I'm casting a spell?

This is kind of a creepy thought. What's your worst nightmare that you might do when you get old?

Christian dating websites...why?!

I was just over on Facebook, being all facebooky, when off to the left of whatever I was doing was an ad for "Christian Mingle," a dating website for Christians. I'm curious so I went and looked. Mind you, my children told me the other day, "You should go on eharmony.com and find a husband." But really, I'm kinda anti-dating website for a variety of reasons.

First off, a non-Christian friend of mine has used said websites and Craigslist personals. While the guys she meets purport to be interested in relationships, in the end she's nothing but a booty call. She finally decided to pull all of her ads off. The last straw was some guy telling her that "redheads are hot and have big boobs." Yeah, that's a winner right there. Makes me want to run right out and meet him!


Then from a Christian perspective, I have a few questions. The first is, "Is this a good use of my time and energy?"

What to do when bad things happen?

Tater is going through a lot. I found a journal of hers (she gave me permission to read her journals) and it is basically a very angry letter to God spelling out very specific incidents she remembers and asking why He let them happen.

I can't blame her.

I also recently watched a video blog made by a dad who'd recently lost his 10 year old son to a rare cancer. He wanted to know why God let that happen.

So these are the things I'm thinking about lately. There are TONS of books about "Why bad things happen to good people" but you know what? You could tell me a bunch of reasons until you're blue in the face and it isn't going to ease the pain. We all know that.

So what's the right thing to do when someone faces horrible pain?

This is what I'm thinking about lately.

Tater update: Has broken a lightbulb and cut herself all over the face and arms. She's 14 and will have scars on her face from this. God help us.

School update: Less than two months to go til Pinning! I got assigned to a nursing home for Preceptors (bleh) but I'm looking forward to getting out there and working. Not looking forward to the smells though. I'm going to be an adamant vegetarian when I get old so that I don't stink everything up.

The Things That Matter

So now that I've had time to digest it, I'll post it. My Tater tried to kill herself the other day, and almost succeeded. When I heard the news, everything else faded away except the thoughts of "God, I wish I'd..." and the overwhelming urge to storm the facility where she is, bust down the doors and just hold my child.

We get so caught up in life and in ourselves that we forget the basic, most important aspects of life. We get caught up in looking right, in acting right, in money,in jobs, in pop culture. We forget the basic human connections that make life worth living.

Rare is the day you hear a dying person say, "I wish I'd had more shallow relationships." You hear "I wish I'd spent more time with my son" (or husband, or father, etc.). Rare is the day you hear "I wish I'd seen more mediocre films" or "I wish I'd played more Scrabble." You hear "I wish I'd taken that trip to the Grand Canyon my wife wanted to take."

Life is so short. We get one go-round. Even if you disagree with that, we get one go-round in this body and with these circumstances.

What good is it if we achieve everything material wise but have no one to share it with?

I hope this post will remind everyone that it's the PEOPLE in our lives that matter. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go play Wii...with my kids.

Rocking my World

So my world's being rocked but I think it's a good thing, you know?

Turns out Funsize has been deceiving me about a whole aspect of his life. I'm pretty sure he's ashamed of it, which is rather funny since this aspect supposedly has made him a better man. It was an answer to prayer for me to find out this information about him, and definitely put him into perspective as a completely lost individual who needs to be found.

Actually, that whole subject has me thinking on the beauty of absolute morality but that's another post.

Tater is in the state mental institution right now, and has lost her placement at her facility. No idea where she's going next week, and she's been hurting herself and flashing back an awful lot. I love my Taterhead and I can either fall apart and quiver with fear for her future, or I can trust that the Lord has a plan for her life.

My quote of the day yesterday was: I can't even handle my LAUNDRY problem, so why should I try to solve everything else instead of giving it to Jesus?

School is insane as usual. Three more months and then Pinning! Yay.
Have been getting close with a few girls there. We're pondering small, matching tattoos on our feet to commemorate our sisterhood, upon graduation.

Have made a couple of friends at church. When I say "friends", I mean friends. I have many acquaintances wherever I go, thanks to realizing I'm an absolute extrovert who was always so timid that I was an introvert. I'm hoping these friends become the kind of people I can have wonderful fellowship with, because I so miss that.

I don't remember if I posted or not but I laid hands on my ex-husband and prayed for him recently. It was a beautiful occurrence, so God and not me. The man is lost. I'm not saying I want to be his best buddy or anything. I just want him to have peace.

(CORRECTION: I struggle everyday with anger towards him, but the good part of me wants him to have peace.)

Anyway, my update is that my world is so being rocked and I'm rocking with it, and it's a darned good thing. I shed a few tears over allllll of the above situations but I've put them all in the Lord's hands. Now if He would only do my laundry...

Preceptors

Hey!

Specific request for you praying types out there.

I need you to pray that I will be satisfied with wherever I am placed at for preceptorships. Many people are offered jobs by these facilities after graduation, which is somewhat of a relief. But honestly, I don't know what kind of nurse I want to be. I can tell you some things I absolutely love:

* Surgery. I love the OR! I hope someday to get my RN and become an OR nurse. Right now, LPN's don't typically work in OR's. Also, the call schedule would kinda suck what with me being a single parent.

*Caring for profoundly mentally retarded folks. I have done my last two clinical days at such a facility and have absolutely LOVED it. Loved! I mean, really. It has brought me such joy, even though I've had to do some icky stuff. Also, the facility has basically a long-term care section AND a medical-surgical unit, so I can pick up a lot of experience on both ends. Problem with this is that the facility is over an hour's drive away so I'd have to leave my kids with my parents overnight a lot to do the preceptorships, and how would we handle it if I was offered a job? Could I do it? Dunno.

I tolerate the med-surg floor at the hospital and definitely prefer it to the long-term care I've been exposed to thus far. If I couldn't get either of the above (or the Emergency Room, which I haven't yet explored), I'd definitely want med-surg over nursing home any day.

Preceptorships start in March. They're already starting to place people now, even though they're not telling us. Please pray for me.

Thanks!

PS You can always pray that a) God will provide a massive amount of money so I don't have to work, or b) God will provide someone to take care of my kids so that scheduling isn't an issue. Preferably someone who wouldn't mind homeschooling a couple of 'em. ;)

I so get it now

That old saying "If I knew then what I know now..." I get it.

If I knew then that I can be a confident, popular (and dare I say it...flirtatious) person despite my weight, I would've had happier high school years and probably not just dated burnouts.

If I knew that I could make people laugh myself, I wouldn't have cowered behind the "funny girl" and fed her jokes during Freshman year, watching her get all the credit.

If I knew that math and science were wayyyy cool and that I loved the logic behind them, I would have hung out more with the nerds and less with the stoners.

If I knew that I am naturally an extrovert and that life's circumstances had forced me to be shy and introverted, I would have taken some risks and probably become more of a leader.

I wonder what I don't know now that I'll know in a few years.

Good times

So yeah. Life's been pretty good lately. I'm rockin the coursework in the LPN program with a solid B average (which is fine, trust me). Got a great evaluation from my clinical instructors that say I'm doing great and what I do "will take you very far." And today I finished a major paper on wound healing, and I'm finally catching up on the numerous Psychology essays that are overdue. Should be all caught up with schoolwork as of this evening! Woohoo!

Taterhead is doing AMAZING. She's not perfect, still hasn't earned off-campus visits. Yet compared to where she was just two months ago, we are all tickled pink over her progress. Peanut's been doing well in school, even though he got the "mean teacher." Punkin is growing up fast and she's such a social butterfly. And Bean...wellllll, we have our good days and bad days. When they are bad, they really suck. I have been sworn at and told the ultimate, "You're not my real mom!" But by and large, Bean is turning out to be a cool person. I like talking to her.

Best of all, I have RL friends! yay! It's weird to go into your classroom and sit down and have several people wanting your attention. Most everyone wants my attention and help with LPN stuff, but a few people in particular have moved beyond that into the friendship zone. I love them muchly.

And...my bizarre friendship with Funsize is on again, which brings me lots of happiness. I wish I could explain why it's so important to have his friendship, but I can't. Just that out of all of the people I've ever known, he gets me better than anyone else, and I him. It's a cool thing and not presently a romantic thing though I admit to slight obsessions about that, and then guilt over those. Haha. I'm a dork.

So you know what, my friends? Today I just want to thank Jesus for everything. For everything awful and wretched that has brought me to this place, to this moment where I sit typing on my bed listening to my kids laugh, even if I am surrounded by laundry and books. For everything good that has happened along the way. I do want to sing along with this song because it's how I feel lately.

I'm like Maria. I have confidence!

So now I've done quite a few clinicals and they're starting to not be as scary as they once were. I figured something out the other day when I was doing Recovery Room observation. See, when you go to the Recovery Room, you have to wear the hospital's sterile scrubs and their sterile footies and stuff. And suddenly, I realized that I didn't have that "LOOK AT ME! I'M A STUDENT!" uniform on, and no one knew I was a student just by looking at me. And I walked around with confidence so much so that dr's were asking me questions like I worked there. Haha. (Don't worry, I said I was a student and made them go ask someone who knew.)

So you know...if I can have that confidence in the scrubs, I can have that confidence in the uniform too. Though if you saw the uniform, maybe you'd know why it's so uninspiring.

I'm really excited to go to my next clinical, which will be in the Operating Room. It's not just because of the sterile scrubs (they do help) but because I'm antsy to know if I'll be the ONE student who passes out during surgery, falling into the sterile field and causing a hullabaloo. No one's done it yet. Will it be me? Will I suddenly get woozy at the sight of a gallbladder being sucked through a tube? Will the vision of blood during a knee replacement be too much and make me puke?

The thing I've learned is that when I am most afraid, that is the time to rush in and conquer the fear instead of dwelling on it. So I'm excited for Tuesday. I'm also hoping my bronchitis clears up enough for me to go in! :p Or I'll be taking some heavy duty cough suppressant, in which case I might just conk out next to the patient on the operating table. ;)

One down, two to go

I finished my first semester of the nursing program today. Whew, what a ride it's been! In the end we lost a total of 7 people:

• 1 to another program
• 4 after background checks
• 1 due to anxiety
• 1 due to grades. Everyone was shocked because Mr. Man had lied and said he was an A student.

I ended up acing Anatomy & Physiology with an A, thank goodness. And I somehow pulled up a barely-passing grade to a B in Nursing. I am not sure how. I did learn the value of group study this semester. Actually, I learned the value of plain old studying. Never had to do that before!

I am very impressed with the way the class is working past our social boundaries. We had four girls who were dangerously close to failing. They had to make a certain grade on the final exam in order to return next semester. This afternoon, we all waited around to find out our grades. Several of us made sure those girls got in line near the front.

The first girl walked out in absolute tears and there was a hush over the 20-something of us. I began to ask, "Did you..." in a horrified voice. And then she sobbed and said, "tears of joy!" and even the most hard-hearted of us began to cry. The next girl, who is quite the cynic and therefore one of my new friends, came out beaming and allowed everyone to hug her. Made it by .5! Then another girl came out in tears and hugged the first crying girl and when she said she passed, the entire hall erupted into applause.

The fourth girl is a different story and perhaps an entry will be forthcoming on the ethical dilemma I have faced lately. For now, some celebratory sleep!

Nursing School Survivor

So. There's a lot of updating to be had with my account of the Nursing Program. I think I'll go ahead and do that while taking a break from Abbreviation craziness.

• I led a resistance against the popular girls for Class Officers. I am happy to report that not a one of them won. I'm not trying to be mean-spirited, but you can't just EXPECT to have something.
• As the stress in the class continues, I have had the opportunity to get to know a few people well. I have heard heartbreaks and happiness, and I am honored to share in their lives. I can only hope this continues, because there are still some people I can't stand, and I want to move past that and get to know the people inside.
• The "Most obnoxious" woman and I hang out a lot now. After I told her I reserved the right to tell her she's obnoxious (and gave her the same right), we're perfect. She has been humbled by this program, as have I. It's a good spot to be in.
• Nursing School Survivor's 1st out was someone I least expected. One of my classmates got accepted into the RN program at a college closer to her house, so of course she's taking it! She's finishing out the semester here and then moving onward in August.
• As of yesterday, besides the woman above, we lost 5 other people. Four people left because of things in their background checks and another left because of stress. That all happened yesterday and several of us are a little saddened by it. It's funny. I know we've all known each other for only two months or so, but it's like Survivor for real. The common experience has drawn us together.
• I started clinicals and dealt with my first patients today. I have a great respect for the nurses and CNA's who bust their butts in the hospital. It is no easy job and I was overwhelmed just with the paperwork for one person! I can't imagine how it will be when we have 5 or 6 or even 10 each!

I guess that's about it. It's time for me to figure out how to remember that PEEP equals "My peeps pressure me positively" which equals "Positive End Expiratory Pressure." Yeah.

peeps out. mwah.

The newest medical superheroes

Abbreviations are a big part of the medical field, so much so that there are experts in medical terminology, and classes and whatnot. Therefore, we have several tests on abbreviations in our class. This is OK. If you can memorize things well, you've got yourself a good test grade.

But what if, like me, you look at a group of letters and think of things entirely unrelated to medicine? You see "DM" and think "Dungeon Master" instead of Diabetes Mellitus. Or BS and think of "bullshit" instead of "bowel sounds". Or even worse, you try to make things seem medical but haven't a clue. So like my friend, you make NIDDM into the National Institute for Disease Discovery and Management instead of Non Insulin Dependant Diabetes.

Well, you get a group of people together and make up odd sayings and phrases to go with each abbreviation. Which can sometimes lead to hysterical laughter and/or shrieking. But did you ever think it would lead to superheroes?

The NLN is the National League of Nursing. If you say this, you must have someone humming heroic music in the background as you speak in your best announcer voice, "Meanwhile, back at the National League of Nursing Headquarters."

And then...then you strike your best superhero pose, with both hands on hips and declare, "It's APTT! Activate Partial Thromboplastin Time!" and pretend to swoosh away.

Sadly, neither of those were on the test this morning. But the NLN is ready and waiting for the next time abbreviations strike!

Lies

In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act. --George Orwell

It's been two years since I left The Bear, as of yesterday. I'm still unraveling the tangle of lies that apparently existed for my entire marriage. He didn't just lie to ME, you see. He lied to everyone ABOUT me.

His family and I are finally getting to know each other after 16 years. We're finally able to see each other for who we really are, without the filter of gossip and malice. I'm finding out things I never knew about myself, as are they! For example:

1. When I left The Bear, it was because I went crazy and was going to kill my kids ala Susan Smith or Andrea Yates. (This led my in-laws to call Social Services on me, something they are very sorry about now. Because good gracious, my friends always knew me as someone to call and say, "Man, am I frustrated today! I think I'm taking the kids to the playground for a change of scenery.")

2. While being a full-time, stay-at-home-mom to two or three children, I had plenty of time to have affairs and was always taking up with other men, which is why my two birth children aren't my husband's.

3. My son is not only NOT The Bear's, his father is Black.
(If you have ever seen my son, you will know why this particular rumor is HILARIOUS. He's one shade short of albino.)

These are some of the bigger lies but there were lots of tiny, everyday lies that made me into a different person than who I am. From what I can tell, he lied about the most insignificant of things to build up a whole picture of untruth. He did a really good job because you know what? His family -who I thought was nuts- is actually pretty darned OK.

Can I just write in a vote?

So. Apparently we have to have class officers. I'm not really sure what they do, but apparently we need them, and the class before us HATED theirs. I can see we'll probably end up the same way.

Our class was told on Day 1 that we wouldn't have to worry about it for several weeks, because we need to get to know each other and because we need to get a feel for who's going to flunk out and who isn't. This has not deterred one girl from asking about 20gazillion times when the elections are because she wants to be president.

I haven't explained the Room factions yet but one side of the room has unofficially elected officers for the class. This girl is president and her friends/seatmates as the rest of the bunch. My side of the room is rather amused and annoyed by this, because most of us have made an effort to get to know people on the other side of the room only to be met with indifference (remember, we're the ones with kids and they're the ones who hate kids). We all wish someone else would run just on principle that no one should be able to automatically get it, but none of us actually WANTS to be president. So maybe we need to arrange a candidate who will not actually win.

I wish the ballot would be worded the way our tests are. It would be something like this:

A 12 day old Nursing Class presents with division and disorientation. Generalized malaise on rt side, hypercaring on lft. What would be the nursing students' best course of action?

That person I hope I'll never become

I have a fear of becoming an annoying person.

Sometimes I get caught up in what I'm doing and I don't realize how loudly I'm speaking or maybe what I look like that day. My psychologist says I've got ADHD so this isn't really surprising that I don't notice these things, but the tendency scares me. I don't want to become like HER.

There is a woman in my class whose reputation preceded her. I didn't know it was the same person until break on the first day when I was told "Remember that woman I told you about? That's her" by a couple of people. My response was something like, "Ohhh, I'm glad to know there's not two of her in the school."

I started examining the similarities between the two of us and I'm appalled. I'm not sure how to NOT become this woman and it scares me!

1. We are both mothers.
Con: This similarity cannot change.
Pro: I do not continually interrupt class with anecdotes about my kids.

2. We are both fat.
Con: Nursing school has given me two choices: smoke or eat. I'm eating to relieve the stress, so this similarity will continue for the time being.
Pro: I do not wear ill-fitting clothes which flash my cleavage at everyone everyday. At least, not every day. ;)

3. We are both people that other people ask questions of and therefore are considered smart.
Con: We both have a lot of info to share.
Pro: Most of her info is wrong or anecdotal.
I don't share my info unless asked.

4. We both were pretty confident we'd make it into the program.
Con: I was the top test-scorer and I did tell a friend that, only to find out that she was in the program as well. Ooops, I didn't mean to brag.
Pro: My nemesis bragged, "I'm a shoo-in for this program" and then bombed her first test. There's actually a funny story with this. She sat in the front row and calculated everyone's score for them so she could find exactly what everyone else made. I made an 85, a B. I did secretly chuckle when I found out she'd failed.

5. We are both extroverts.
Con: We will both talk to anyone, anytime.
Pro: People see her coming and scatter. I just get a "hey".

I guess so far I'm OK other than finding out I'm a pretty mean person. One day she came to class and found us all sitting in the hallway because the door was locked. She stupidly tried the door anyway and then asked, "Oh, the instructor's not here yet?" and then wandered off, stepping back over several people as she went. I mumbled, "No, we're just sitting around for the hell of it." and made everyone laugh.

Also, the entire class has taken to muttering, sighing, rolling their eyes, slamming books shut, roaring and/or leaving the classroom when this woman starts talking. I have not noticed this with myself yet.
*sigh*
Yet.

Factions

OK, Nursing School Survivor is starting to take shape. We have several divisions and I'm waiting to see which become the most prominent.

1. Smokers versus nonsmokers: The smokers hada social advantage from day one. They all met each other through their several trips outside, and they all socialize. The rest of us either have to go outside and stand around looking like we have a purpose for being there, or we have to congregate at the snack machine. However, the smoker advantage is probably fleeting and I don't think this will be a major issue.

2. Women versus men: We only have two men in our class, and 33 women. Nonissue.

3. Parents versus People Who Hate Kids: This could be a major division. One side of the room has women who have 2, 3, 4, 5 and even 6 kids. The other side of the room has several people who proclaim to hate children. And we've heard no end of how they're going to hate doing Peds rounds.

4. CNA's (Certified Nursing Assistants) versus unexperienced CNA's: Probably most volatile issue, the people who work as CNA's look down upon those of us who only got our certification so we could be in the LPN class. However, the CNA's have some very nasty habits that make the class harder for them. I could see this being a big problem.

There you have it. Tomorrow, if I have time, I'll talk about the most irksome person.

Nursing Program Survivor

OK. First day of nursing school has come and gone. A classmate of mine and I met up on Friday night at the drive-in movie and we talked while the kids were playing (pre-movie, of course). We were reviewing our first day.

One question posed to us at lunchtime was "What cliques do you think will form?"
It's fairly obvious there are already some cliques. At orientation, there was a gaggle of girls who insisted on getting the EXACT same shoes, bp cuffs, stethoscopes and penlight. They all have Betty Boop on them, and I think they were referring to themselves as the Boop Group. There's also, of course, the whole group of people who work together at a nursing home right now. And then there's people like my friend and I, who just want to get in and get the job done and leave.

Second item of discussion was motivation for the people in the class. There's a pretty even split between people who are going into healthcare because they feel called to it, and people who are going into healthcare because it's a steady, decent-paying job with advancement potential. I kinda straddle both groups, really, but I guess I fall more in the first. I want to be a nurse. It seems right. I take care of people all the time and it comes more and more naturally. But I also admit that the idea of that paycheck is a good one, too!

Third thing we realized is that we are now part of Nursing Program Survivor. We know that typically of the 35 who start, about 20 finish. Five usually drop out in the first semester. So...we want to know who's going first! My guess is that one of the people who doesn't feel "called" will be out first. But we'll see!

I suppose I'll give a run-down of the class in the next entry, assuming I'm not bogged down so much I can't blog. Oh, that's the other thing. I had 8 chapters of math to do before I ever had my first class. Yeah, homework before school even started! They told us it would be tough!

Finding...Nemo?

So I got an unexpected paycheck today, which meant I could go buy the kids some t-shirts and take them out to supper. After reading a mention of the Chinese buffet in Stuff Christians Like (which, again, I am wholeheartedly recommending), I decided that's what we should eat. So we piled into the booth and began taking turns going to the buffet.

My son suddenly started talking to me about the movie Finding Nemo. It was so random, and I just couldn't figure out WHY he brought it up. It wasn't like we were talking about anything to do with the film at all! I was puzzled but that's a normal state of mind for me.

So I turned around to take my turn at the buffet and noticed our waiter's shirt was in the exact same pattern as a Clownfish. I started laughing. My 12 year old then noticed the same thing but didn't say a word until he passed by, when she whispered conspiratorially, "Nemo just smiled at me."

We spent the rest of our dinner with the giggles everytime the poor guy even came near us. And as we left? I urged the children out the door with a sing song, "Just keep walkin, just keep walking, walking, walking."

Soundtracks

Sometimes I come across the question "If you had a theme song for your life, what would it be?" and I 'm really stumped. I have to tell you that I can't imagine any song playing during a montage of parenting, errand-running and going to school. Unless it's Eye of the Tiger because that is the king of montage songs. Didn't Starbucks prove that?

Anyway, I may not have a theme song, but I think about music ALL the time. Songs pop into my head all the time and they sometimes crack me up! Everytime I pass a Mustang lately, Mustang Sally pops into my head. Whenever it's someone's birthday, I hum a little Unhappy Birthday. When I was pregnant with my fourth child and vomiting nonstop, I would sing a specific praise song next to the toilet. Which, I suppose, is not entirely bad. Just possibly disrespectful.

The problem with fat!

The problem with being fat but not massively hugely fat is this: You still get hit on, but only by the really desperate guys.

I either need to lose weight and get someone decent (Funsize or a Funsize equivalent), or gain more, start wearing circus tents and give up.