hash browns

Tater has blown her placement at the school she's at. I don't know what the future has for her, but I know she'll be going someplace much more severe. I am so sad for my daughter. I wish there were a better mental health system in place. I wish we had more understanding into how the human mind works. I wish, I wish, I wish lots of things.

Mountains, molehills and me

So. There's been a lot of stuff going on. And I guess maybe my perspective's out of whack because of it. I tend to get through major stresses with nary a hair out of place, but I lose my patience at the tiniest of things. I am making molehills of mountains and mountains of molehills and I realize this but I can't seem to change it. :(

Tater has been placed at a residential, long-term-care facility a couple of hours away. I got to visit her on Wednesday and she seems pretty happy there. She turns 13 on Monday so we're going to see her this weekend, weather permitting.

The Bear has been back in the picture and then seems to be fading out but I don't know. It upsets me because it upsets my children. They got used to him being there and now it seems he's leaving again. My poor Peanut has been a mess because of it.

I have some amusing little anecdotes about the kids. Thankfully through all the stress, we've had plenty of times to just throw our heads back and laugh. Is there any sound sweeter than that of a child's laughter? I can't think of one!

So. Good things?

Since I'm so down, it's time to look at good things about this year.

Tater enters a residential care facility on the 7th. That means no more being tied down to homeschooling her, even though I enjoy it. It also means I don't have to stress every second about whether or not she's OK. Because she'll be great! It also means visits with her dad will be supervised by pros. Yay.

I turn 35 on the 12th. Yeah, my hair's getting grayer (fortunately, my hair dye covers well) and I'm getting some laugh lines. But you know what? I work out at the gym and feel great when I do it. I'm intelligent. I'm funny. And I'm adventurous. These things don't have to stop just cause I'm turning 35.

Yes, I'm halfway to 70. But so what? I'm only HALF there! I still have 35 more years to go!

So yeah, my marriage effed up and ended last year. My first wedding anniversary as a divorced woman. And yeah, I don't have a romantic interest of any sort on the horizon. So what? SO WHAT! My life is full of friends and family! Yes, I would LOVE to have someone to grow old with but hey, I have 35 more years til 70! Maybe someone will come along in the next 10. Maybe not. If not, I will be a wacky old maid. Actually, I'll be off traveling the world, I'm sure.

So I'm not in the nursing program and probably won't get into it this year. OK. This either means a) I am not meant to be a nurse and have another path before me, or b) I'm not meant to be a nurse NOW and will be one later. Either way, I'm fine! You know why? Because predictability is boring. It really is.

As much as I complain about the craziness of my life, I like it. It suits me. I would be BORED to TEARS if my life were always the same. Yes, there's comfort in routines. But I find that I am consistently knocking people out of their comfort zones, and I like it!

So bring it on 2008! Let's see what you've got in store!

A feeling of dread (dum dum DUM)

Last year was just a lot of fun. This summer til a few weeks ago, I was pretty depressed and didn't find life fun anymore. I started getting a sense of humor and adventure last month, and am doing OK.

But...

New Year is approaching.

Tater enters residential care on January 7th.

I have a birthday on January 12th. I turn 35. I did OK last year but I got to go away for the weekend and had probably the best birthday I've had since I was a kid.

My former wedding anniversary is January 15th. I did OK that day last year but I had something to look forward to, a trip to LA (I'd received the invitation on my birthday).

Tater's birthday is on the 21st. She won't be here.

I had looked forward to this being the year I entered the nursing program but it's not going to happen. I thought this year would be the one that put me on my path towards the rest of my life.

I suppose I will have to sit down and actually write out some positive things to look forward to, but I can't think of any at the moment. I'll make it a point to do that in the next post.

God bless us, every one! Even that guy over there, though he's kinda smelly!

So life loves to just mess my cynical self up by giving me things to be happy about. It especially likes to do this at Christmas time which has, historically, been my least favorite time of year and also the point at which Western society's redeeming qualities are at their lowest. Really. It's ALL about buying into the Christmas image which is as real as Santa Claus.

Anyway, Christmas this year was going to be a struggle. Last year, even though I had a broken foot, I had had a job, had a little money saved up. This time around I've got nothing. I'm spending now over $100 on gas per week which is KILLING my budget. I also have had to make a bunch of unexpected trips to hospitals, etc., none of which are close by. I've also tapped out my parents, who are well enough off but don't need their daughter and grandkids leeching off of their retirement money. I was kinda faced with "Hey, you guys can have new coats or new blankets. Which one do ya want?"

My son's teacher had no idea what was going on in our family, just that we were a single parent family with issues. She didn't know about The Bear's abuse or Tater's in-and-out-of-the-hospital thing or any of that. She only knows Peanut and that he's been one stressed-out little boy who doesn't always make it to school on time and doesn't always have what he's supposed to (Look, YOU take a kid to the hospital and come back, get your kids, get 'em to bed at 10:30 pm, get 'em up and to school 30 miles away by 7:45 and see if YOU can get them everything). Anyway, Peanut's teacher (We'll call her Mrs. J) requested prayer for Peanut whilst at Bible study or church or something.

Long story short: Really cool guy came up to her after that and asked if he could sponsor our family for Christmas. Decided to ask everyone coming to his Christmas party if they would bring a gift. Really cool guy (RCG) had no idea what was going to happen. He called me the other day to tell me that 20-something people were out shopping for us. WOW.

So last night we picked up Tater and drove a couple of hours to RCG's house. First off, I want to say that I felt more "at home" at RCG's house with those folks than I have since moving to NC. GREAT people. We were instantly welcomed with nary an awkward moment. We weren't on display or anything, just got to sit right down and eat some barbecue and talk and all that. Kids played video games and such. I wish we lived closer to RCG just because the people (including the very-amusing RCG) were so cool that I want to spend more time with them.

Present time arrived. My good gracious, you have never seen so many gifts in your life! And the best part was how incredibly thankful my children were! As they pulled out blankets and coats and clothes and toothbrushes and even underwear, they were so glad to have them. Additionally, Peanut and Punkin got new sheets (Transformers and Disney Princesses, respectively) that they LOVE. There was a fishing rod for Peanut, a pastels set for Tater, a bunch of doll stuff for Punkin and hair-doing stuff for Bean. It was amazing! I do confess here on my blog that my eyes leaked. Poor little suckers just couldn't keep that water in. Might need to be repaired.

We have a seven seat minivan. (Yes, I know. A minivan. I am so, SO uncool.) We occupied five of those seats. The gifts occupied the other two, plus the trunk, plus in between the seats AND on our laps. We also had some leftovers on the dash. The car was so full. Now my little living room is full! Presently Punkin is running around in Santa earmuffs, a shirt, another shirt, a pair of underwear, a Disney princess crown and some jewelry, searching for "a giant lipstick". I am laughing! There's Christmas carnage everywhere - gift bags, boxes, tissue paper!

I needed last night more than you know. About six months ago, I lost hope. I lost any hope of life ever being anything than what it was. About three months ago, I bought into the lies that I am a bad mom. Sure, I've stuck through thick and thin with my kids, far more than I think some people would be able to. But despite our stressful circumstances, I believed that any normal and good mom would always have her children's things perfectly in order. Realistically, I don't know ANYONE who could do what I've had to do and have it all together. But I bought into the lie that I just suck. In my darkest moments, I've actually pondered just giving my children over to Social Services because I must just be the worst mom in the universe.

Last night, my children showed me that I do things right. Just like when we visited Funsize in April and they voluntarily all piled into Funsize's bed and were so thankful for our vacation, last night my children were so incredibly grateful and happy for one another. Each one of them was so excited for the others with each new gift. If I have done nothing but teach my children that THEY are not the center of the universe, then I think I've done them a huge favor the some people never get.

Anyway, these are just some jumbled thoughts. I'll post the pics when they're sent to me and I'm sure my thinking will be clearer then.

Until then, Merry Christmas!

Sometimes you just gotta let it all hang out

Warning: This blog is not profound in any way. It may also be stomach-turning for the squeamish (and skinny).

You know how some people have a fat pouch? The thing that kinda...hangs...down at their belly?

Yeah. I noticed one back in April. I couldn't figure out where it came from because I'd lost some weight.

I gained weight a couple of months ago and, oddly, the pouch disappeared.

I returned to my April weight (possibly less) and there it is again!

I have realized this sucker is nothing but loose skin. Ewwwww.

My poor lower abdominal muscles have been cut through five times. I'm amazed they even hold ANYTHING together. And thinking back, this weird thingy first reared it's saggy head after my last major surgery.

I really hope this thing will disappear with regular exercise, decent diet and time. Else I'll be going under the knife again.

updates updates updates

So I haven't blogged in a while really. Here are some updates:

Tater is still living in therapeutic foster care but comes home to me every day to be homeschooled. It's an interesting arrangement but really only a bandaid until a long-term placement becomes available. We are hoping to get her somewhere where she can have school, therapy and home all in one spot. Yes, it's THAT severe.

The Bear decided he wanted to be part of the kids' lives after all. He has his first therapy session with the younger three today. I am not trying to be pessimistic but realistic. I am afraid he will soon drop out of their lives again, just when they get used to having him there. I am also afraid he will be a manipulative jerk like he was before. :( Punkin has been very anxious these past few days and really acting younger than she is. I dread the weekend.

Speaking of the weekend, we have our own "Christmas miracle" that I'll blog later. Suffice to say that life insists on giving me --a known scrooge-- happy things at Christmastime. I really hate it. ;)

In other news, I had to drop out of school a couple of weeks ago. Real bummer, that, but it was one of those things I couldn't avoid. My entire existence is now spent jumping through hoops for various agencies and what not. Yay. The Bear lied to Social Services again and said that I was institutionalized, so now I get to go have mental health evaluations and such. I released my medical records to them but hey...why check THOSE out to find out the truth when we can just create more paperwork for everyone by making me go?
Anyway, I guess that's about it. I'll have more news tomorrow from today's therapy session.

I miss the way things were last year

I miss late night conversations with Funsize.
Finding music in my mailbox, when i never asked for it.
I miss having Tater home.
I miss all the hope stretching out before us.
I miss who I was last year.

I am a tree (long)

I received something very neat in my email, from a friend who prayed for me and then sketched out the prayer. I kinda didn't ask permission to post it but I figure it was given to me and I'm not naming names. Plus this has really inspired me so I'm putting up the picture. The explanation is as follows (I edited the names):

You are the tree. Tall and strong, but seemingly lifeless. Peanut is in the tire swing that hangs from your branches. One side is starting to break. The grave is The Bear. A life that is dead to you and slowly being scribbled out of the picture. The yellow represents God. God will hold the rope that holds Peanut up together. God is still in your branches, and comforting you during this winter. Spring will come. God, as hard as it may be, is also still with The Bear. He may not be wanting God there, but God is God and He is with The Bear as well.

I was very touched by this and couldn't put my finger on what exactly touched me. But after a while I realized it's the line "Spring will come." I so AM that barren tree right now, seemingly lifeless. I have gone into survival mode, much like a tree during winter. I feel as though I will never again have beauty or fruit in my life. But yes, spring WILL come one day!

But never satisfied with the surface, I decided to look up what happens to trees during their dormant period. Trees in dormancy are protecting themselves from the elements, surviving. But more than that, their root systems are still active! There, under the ground, hidden from sight, their roots are still burrowing away into the ground, drawing life from the soil.

Oh, how I hope to burrow my roots deep into Life in my heavenly Father! and someday Spring will come!

And now, I leave you with the short poem "Trees" by Joyce Kilmer.

I think that I shall never see
A poem as lovely as a tree

A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the sweet earth's flowing breast

A tree that looks at God all day
And lifts her leafy arms to pray

A tree that may in summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair

Upon whose bosom snow has lain
Who intimately lives with rain

Poems are made by fools like me
But only God can make a tree

OK. So. THAT's not going to happen.

I got the boot from my CNA class so that little plan about becoming a CNA? Not gonna happen anytime soon. Thank God.

I missed a bunch of other classes from dealing with RL and being sick, and I was seriously pondering dropping out. Thankfully I have gone the mature route, contacted all of my instructors and am currently busting my butt to make up the work. I should still be able to pass all the classes - some of them even with good grades!

That said, I have a test in Anatomy & Physiology tomorrow on some things I haven't the foggiest about. I am so doooooomed!

don't want to be a grownup!

Life is awful right now. Really bad. Probably the worst it's been since before leaving The Bear.

Tater is gone.

She was hospitalized for the seventh time last week and is now in therapeutic foster care.

I can't see her for 30 days. My heart breaks.

Additionally, Bean is having all sorts of issues that are very serious and I fear for my little girl. I pray that with Tater gone, we can have more time to deal with them.

Peanut has been extremely ill. I'm not sure what's wrong with him but we've made a few trips to the doc. He missed a week of school.

Punkin, thankfully, seems to be holding her own for now.

I'm failing school because I've had to miss so much -including midterms- to deal with all of this. I am now looking at dropping out and just being a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant/Aide). That isn't a bad plan, really. It's not where my heart is, but it's doable. At least it's better than being a waitress.

Anyway, I just feel like I'm falling apart with all the social services, school, mental health, medical, etc. obligations. And to top it off, I have pinkeye! in my one good eye! And no health insurance. :(

I wish there were someone to take care of me when I'm so tired from taking care of everyone else. But there just isn't.

Morrissey song of the week: That's How People Grow Up

I was driving my car
I crashed and broke my spine
So yes, there are things worse in life than
Never being someone's sweetie
...
As for me I'm ok
For now anyway

good vs evil

Today's kind of a good vs evil day.

Event-wise, it's the 9th anniversary of my girls' adoption. September 22, 1998, I walked into a courtroom and promised to be their mother forever. That's the good.

Sadly, September 22, 1998 and every September 22 from 1972 until now has been The Bear's birthday. I sit here stressing out with the ever-present busy life of a mother of four and I wonder what in the heck HE's doing tonight. That's the evil.

Then there's the usual battle of flesh vs spirit. The "I do the things I don't want to do but don't do the things I want to do" that Paul so well documented in Romans. Always good (God's spirit in me) versus evil (my sinful nature).

And then there's some funny stuff I've been thinking of. How some people just drag us down into their own dramas and misery and bad habits and whatnot, and then how some people lift us up closer to our Father. Lately I have felt so good, spending time (on the skype anyway) with people who lift us up.

We may venture out to church in the morning. We need to find a church. We will see.

Skype rocks my socks

If you aren't familiar with Skype, you really need to be. It's VoIP like Vonage but it's messenger like AIM. It is great!

I haven't stopped smiling for two days now. Two nights ago, I managed to talk to my favorite person in the UK and my favorite person in Australia (see those links over there? <-----------------) at the same time. We did add in another guy from NC for part of the conversation but he was kinda quiet.

My UK friend and I could NOT STOP LAUGHING. For about five hours.

Yesterday we skyped again, Rosuav and his brother and I (and the NC guy again). Do you know how wonderful it is to just be? To laugh and sing and joke and just exist with no pressure?

Last night I marveled at technology as he skyped while traveling on the train in Melbourne. but it was bonus time! Two other Threshers were with him, people I've always wanted to hear. :) Sadly they could barely speak to me (except enough to say, "Wow, she sounds American") due to time constraints. I look forward to talking to them soon.

This morning was more Skype, more folks. I might be a Skype addict.

Except what it really is...is that I FINALLY get to talk to the family I've been a part of for eight years. :)

I have other things that make me smile. Funsize and I hung out last night watching tv (via phone, of course) for a coupla hours. It makes me happy. Also...

Morrissey is coming to Greenville, SC! wooooohooo!

good news, everyone!

(title said in the style of Futurama's Professor Farnsworth)

It looks like I'm going to get my antidepressants back.

This is very good news indeed. As anyone who's interacted with me lately can attest.

Yay antidepressants/anti-anxiety meds.

and you give yourself away...

I've been wallowing about in depression lately. Life isn't fair, you know? Why does The Bear get to go out and have no obligations other than financial (And even that isn't much compared with the rest of his salary) when I have so much on my plate? It's pretty darn depressing and I don't think it's fair and I should be able to just lay around in my bed and never get up!

I've had a pretty good revelation just now. It's more a spiritual thing so I'll blog it on the other blog http://devouthypocrite.blogspot.com . But I'm off to school now so it'll have to happen later!

Wish I was in Australia

Ever read the children's book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day?

that has SO been my day today.

It just keeps getting worse.

I'm holding onto the hope that something pleasant will happen but I know it's just not gonna.

Grrr.

Most people keep their brains between their legs

(an amusing quote from "Such a Little Thing Makes Such a Big Difference" by Morrissey)

Dear 21 year old, very cute male lab partner,

You have made me feel like a dirty old woman. I can't help but notice you're good-looking. And funny. I couldn't help feeling a little smug that you chose to sit near me instead of any number of cute little things in the class (in your FACE, cute little things!). I understand why: We are both serious about getting good grades and having fun in the process.

But goodness gracious, when I was talking about wearing jammies to school, whyyyyyy did you have to say, "My jammies are nothing, so I can't come to school in them"?

I managed to recover by truthfully stating, "Thanks. That put a mental image in my head that'll take forever to get out." And using a tone that conveyed sarcasm and disgust. My tone MAY have been a little off from the truth. Just a tad.

Thanks for the cheap thrills,
DH

PS. It would never work between us...but we'll always have *dramatic pause* playdough!

So far, so funny

I'm not even IN nursing school yet, just in the prereq's, but so far I've had a few funny moments and I imagine it's only going to get better. The best stories involve genitalia because let's face it: People are goofy about sex and/or genitals.

Story 1: Instructor is telling her students in Nurses Aide class that we should practice various skills on as many people as we can: blood pressure, pulse, respirations, etc. She says we should find a man who'll let us shave him. A classmate bursts out in disgust, "What? down THERE?"

Story 2: We are working on dummies. We realize our female dummy is anatomically correct so of course someone decides to check out the male. Except he has nothing but a patch of velcro. Turns out his genitals are velcro-removable and locked in a cabinet because people kept doing evil things to him. I have named said dummy "Bobbitt."

Story 3: Right after that, we were practicing measuring things to the CC. We had a urinal, because we didn't have enough pitchers. A classmate picked it up and said, "This is a funny looking pitcher. " We explained that it wasn't a pitcher but a bedpan. "Huh?" was the response. Another woman gently explained that it was a men's bedpan but was met with another "huh?" Finally it was bluntly said, "You put his winky in here and he pees" at which point the confused one DROPPED the pitcher and said, "I'm not doing that! I'm not touching a man there!"
uh...yeah, you're getting into Nursing. You're gonna have to.

Story 4: I had a lab partner for our first day in Anatomy and Physiology. Our assignment was to make people out playdough and practice various cuts and views (transverse, saggital, etc.). Of course we couldn't help but make anatomically correct playdough people! I'm particularly proud of my pregnant playdough person, in whom I drew a baby once I cut her open and exposed her yellow clay insides. Not so impressive was our she-male.

Story 5: Same lab partner, same day. We are labeling the regions of the body. The instructor is going over what each region is called. Arrow 8 points to our little male sketch's penis. She repeats several times that the area is the pubis. It does not fail, however, that the person sitting next to my partner is obviously a dingbat and not paying attention. She raises her hand in complete and utter cluelessness and asks, "What is #8? What should we write for #8?" I hear my partner mutter, "Just write pee-pee."

If I seem a little strange, that's because I am!

So I am trying SO hard to be all conformist and fit in around here. I attended the kids' open houses wearing my best "preppy mom" clothes. I went to the first day and dutifully introduced myself to people. I suffered through an American Idol wannabe's version of The Star Spangled Banner. I've even pondered helping in the PTO. But you know what? It came time for "a moment of silent prayer" and I cringed.

I actually cringed. And I'll tell you why.

These same people who wanted to have a moment of silent prayer are the movers and shakers, the businessmen in the good ole boy's network. They're the ones with the money and money ain't always honest. Right before said moment of silence, they were name-dropping about who was having lunch with whom, and what senator was there.

This moment of prayer is nothing more than a political statement. If my kids and I really want to pray, why do we need an officially sanctioned moment? I mean, don't get me wrong: I'm glad my children have the RIGHT to pray in school. But do they really need to join Jeb Moneybags in doing it when HE says they should?

I've realized I'm never going to fit in around here...or probably anywhere.

That's why I decided to wear my salwar kameez to school today. It was like wearing jammies. I need four more pair so I can wear them to school everyday! And yes, people stared. I'm sure they thought, "Why is that white woman wearing those hindu clothes?"

Or maybe they just thought, "Why is that white woman in shiny jammies?"

unhappy birthday

Friend: He showed up and gave me my birthday present. I made him stand at the door.
Me: It wasn't a dick in a box, was it?

That one hasn't gotten old yet. Hehehehe.

Oh, and my post title? Comes from a genius song by The Smiths. (and this youtube video link is perfectly evil in a Dolores Umbridge kinda way. I love it.)