2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
I am struggling so much today. While going through marriage counseling this week, I had the revelation that I have a huge fear problem. I am afraid of everything. I've known for years that I have panic attacks, but I never realized how much I fear people thinking poorly of me. It consumes me and dictates my actions. I just never recognized it!
I cling to my fiance too tightly at times because I don't want him to stray, meanwhile pushing him away. I sometimes cling to my children a bit too tightly as well, not giving them as much independence as they deserve at their respective ages. Sometimes, I don't say specific things at work because I want people to like me. And I can't handle the idea of people NOT getting along with me, even if it's something as simple as someone not feeling well!
So today I found that someone close to me has been spreading lies. Horrible lies. The kind of lies that would knock your breath out of your body anyway, let alone if they're said about you. And of course my first response was fear. Will anyone be able to take me seriously? Will anyone know the truth? What will happen if...? And it just went on and on until I can't handle it anymore.
So here I am, confessing my weakness. I am afraid of what people say about me. I am afraid of having a bad reputation, even though my Savior Jesus came and had NO reputation when he very much deserved the highest honors (Philippians). Why can't I learn to be more like Him?
It is my hope in confessing and recognizing my weakness, that I will allow the Lord to be strong. Lord, take this area of my life, all this fear. Help me to rest in Your love for me instead of worrying about the love of other people. Help me to see your beautiful, perfect love and let it be enough.
2 comments:
We all fear rejection in some degree or other. The problem comes when what we do, think, say, the fact that we exist, determines our actions in the light of what others think. It's really a confidence issue that everyone faces at some time or other. Then there's the fact of the "other person". That's on their back. You know the truth. I love in you the fact that you have had such patience with your kids (and I'm sure that makes you a great nurse where you work). I love in you your acceptance of others. I love in you your pursuit of knowledge and love of many arts. Hang with the people who build you up and who know the truth about you. It's OK to cling tightly to them. That's what "those people" are here for. Purpose has many factions - visible and invisible, physical and spiritual. When it comes to being human, YOU ARE!!!!!
Truth is very important to me, and I can get all worked up about others not knowing the truth and whether I should apprise them of the facts or mind my own business or just let it go (if it is technically my business). Life is hard that way. I am glad you have God and people who love you to help you through.
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