the strangest direction

I thought I had my future figured out. I was going to dual-enroll in two community colleges here in NC, get my AS in Dietetics mostly through online classes, put my kids in a great private school (dependent upon scholarship) and work part-time there doing something or another. After I got my degree, I would go ahead and move somewhere or another. Life was going to be great but I had NO peace. So then I thought we'd homeschool and travel a bit, and I'd continue my classes online while doing so. Somehow I could scrape up enough cash for a popup camper, eh?

But you know, something strange has happened over the past few weeks. I have been helping my one local friend care for her dying father. I was able to be there during his final week and I can't tell you how much I enjoyed just being there to comfort him in his last days. I also loved speaking with each hospice person and each caregiver who visited him. And I realized death doesn't bother me.

People have been suggesting I go into nursing since I started pondering getting a college degree. I have balked. When it came up #1 for my career choices after three separate tests, I began to think those darned tests were faulty. I had seen my own mother go through nursing school -- and eventually drop out-- during my childhood. Nursing, to me, seemed like the LAST thing I wanted to do.

But you know, sometimes the last thing we want to do is the best thing for us. Yesterday I walked into the college and changed my intended major to nursing. A local organization has agreed to pay for my school costs if I don't manage to get a grant. So far, reaction from most people has been amazingly supportive. My dad has agreed that nursing school will indeed be stressful and he has promised that he and my mother will care for my children when I can't. My former employer encouraged me, explaining that she went through nursing school when she was a single mom of two little ones. She says it can be done. It will be stressful, but it can be done.

I have had a HUGE burden taken from my shoulders. I have such peace about my future now. RN's are in high demand everywhere. If I want to leave this podunk mayberry world, I should be able to find a position anywhere. RN's have many different kinds of shifts. Some work office hours. Some work nights. I will be able to schedule my job around the needs of my family. And best of all, I will eventually be able to support myself and my children - possibly even help them get through college.

I'm not sure how it's all going to work out. The community college is actually about 30 minutes away, 45 minutes from the kids' schools. I'm hoping that maybe I can get them into a charter school closer to where I'll be hitting the books. I applied a couple of months ago but won't know until June. Who knows? Maybe I'll be able to find a house for rent towards there, and my kids can just go to regular schools. Then I won't be paying ginormous gas bills.

Oh, and I just can't wait to get that spiffy nurse's hat. Yay.

it's all in your head, part 1

Before I post, I'm going to link you to one of my favorite videos. Yes it's Napoleon Dynamite-esque at first but just keep watching.

OK, so it's time to tell y'all about something nutty that's happened to us. Read on and you will probably think I'm making it up.

My older kids, Tater and Bean, were "selected" for an outreach program. The principal of the school came to me herself and said she thought the girls would benefit from the program as it would teach them "coping skills" or something like that. They would also do equine (horse) therapy. Given that said program gave them four days worth of excused absences from school (they do hate school), I signed the permission slip and that was that.

Tater attended the first four-day session. Kids were shipped off by van at the beginning of the school day to another facility off-campus and returned at the end of the school day. Tater had no comments about her stint other than "It was OK."

So Bean went. Bean is my tough kid so I was surprised to find her crying when I picked her up from school on the third day. "Please don't send me back there!" she begged. I finally got out of her that she had been groped by another student. When I asked if she'd told the person in charge, I was told, "The same thing happened to 'Laura' but when she told the teacher, she was told to handle it herself."

To get her mind off of her distress, I asked how the horses were that day. She replied, "Oh, they were fine but we weren't allowed to touch them." Given that equine therapy usually involves touching, I was a bit surprised so I asked, "Really?!" Bean clarified, "Oh we WERE allowed to touch them. But only after we'd asked them in our MINDS."

This has since been confirmed with other children that they were told to stand there and say nothing but hold their fingers to their temples (as in concentrating hard) and say nothing. They were to use their thoughts to ask the horses something like, "Can I enter your space and touch you?" and if the horse turned around, they could pet it. Bean, of course, just faked it.

Then came the alarming revelation (since confirmed with other children): The kids were told to tell NO ONE what happened at the center.

More tomorrow otherwise this'll be too long. Besides, I've got a Mates of State video to watch again. Cause it's allllll in my head.

things that pop into my head

You know that old saying about women with dyed hair? the one "Do the drapes match the carpet?"

If a woman has a Brazilian wax, what would be the answer? She has linoleum?

(if the woman has a crew-cut, I suggest she refer to the hair on her head as mini-blinds)

Lessons Learned

Things I learned on my big vacation:

Norwich, Connecticut has the largest number of "Slow Children" according to the amount of signs we saw.

Enfield, Connecticut has way too many road signs declaring "Drug free zone!"

Every driveway in Chelmsford, Massachusetts is a "blind drive." (The poor drives! Can't something be done? seeing-eye drives?)

If you must be stuck in traffic in New York, it will be for hours through the Bronx and at least one person in your car will vomit. Twice. At least once, it will be on someone else.

People in New York are very nice. Their subways are efficient but dirty.

People in DC aren't nice at all. Their subways are very clean but expensive and hard to find.

More later.

goodbyes stink

You know how you see someone and you have this big imagined happy goodbye in your head?

But then when it comes time, you never even get out what you wanted to say in the first place, and the last image they get of you is your ugly about-to-cry face?

Oh, you don't? Forget it, then.

goodbyes suck, especially when nothing is ever resolved before you say them.

...and sometimes things go wrong, but they're good anyway

Things that have gone wrong in the past day, and how they're OK:

1. My cellphone stopped working, which is just awful on a roadtrip when it's my ONLY way to get in touch with people. Add to that Alltel doesn't exist in this part of the country so there's no way to get it fixed. How this is OK: Dinner with Thresher friends would've been canceled if they'd been able to contact me. As it was, we went ahead with plans and had a great time. I'm not sure how the lack of phone will affect things in the future, though. I did go ahead and get some SkypeOut credits so at least I can find wifi and make calls.

2. Our newest hobby, Letterboxing, started with two duds. Both boxes were planted by the same folks and I have no idea if the boxes disappeared or we don't know how to read a compass or what. BUT, and this is a big but, we had a GREAT time looking! We learned some interesting things, like tree roots will eventually knock down gravestones and break them in half. And that Punkin doesn't need to be afraid of cemeteries. And that sometimes it really is fun to just go for a walk in a field in 40 degree weather. We had a lot of fun as a family, no complaints except that we weren't very good mystery-solvers. Perhaps tomorrow will bring a box to us at last!

3. Our dear host here in Mass. was unable to return to us as planned so that makes a whopping one day we got to spend together (the day we arrived and I slept a good portion of the afternoon). It makes me sad because I don't get to hang around with one of my best friends. But on the plus side, it means I can feel a little less guilty for using every bed in the place.

4. One of the Threshers flaked big time. How this is OK: It enabled the other Thresher and I to have a cheap dinner with almost 3 hours spent together, mainly relaxed and conversing, while the kids played. I really enjoyed my time with her (was a bit nervous we'd have naught to talk about, I admit) and we took some extra-special pics of Salzilla. Sadly, we ran out of film before we could do a LARP pic, reenacting some in-game moments with props from McDonald's. I had a lego hammer (Marah's hammer of tapping, as Sebboe refers to her pathetic spiritual hammer) and she had a coffee-stirrer scalpel. Oh, and we were trying to get some McDonald's promo stuff for her tome. Oh well. Fun was had, and a friendship was cemented. I think.

So there you have it. Sometimes life hands you lemons and you remember how good lemon bars are, and you make them, and you eat them, and then you're happy.

Sometimes things go right

I'm typing this from a friend's house in Massachusetts, where the kids and I have been spending the day. We arrived yesterday after a busy and stressful time trying to get through Charlotte airport. I was starting to question my decision about taking this vacation, but once we got settled into our seats on the plane, I felt I did the right thing.

Yay to US Air for employing possibly the best, most considerate flight attendants I've ever met. They were a HUGE blessing to me. I wasn't having any major catastrophes or anything but I'd stayed up the entire night before. I was exhausted and they were super nice and proactive with the children.

Yay to understanding friends who, when I conk out asleep in the middle of the afternoon, simply supervise my kids and let me nap. I <3 you for it.

We've had pretty much two whole days in Mass. and have done very little except rest, watch TV, play around on computers. That is EXACTLY what we needed to do, what with our normal life being so hectic lately. We did go out to IHOP and the grocery store yesterday, and the kids & I went to Chili's this evening. It's Easter Sunday and not much is open, so we went with what we could find.

Anyway, we get to go visit a few people tomorrow: my uncle and then dinner with two Threshers. I'm excited!

we interrupt this semi-amusing blog for a serious moment

I promise I'll blog as my usual sarcastic, sorta witty self in the next entry. But I've got a rant and it ain't about Nickelback.

Last night I was invited to a church to watch Facing the Giants, a film involving football and faith (two cultural phenoma the South would be lost without). I must compliment the filmmakers for the fine job they did. Honestly, I was surprised that the actors in the film are simply church members, not professional actors. Maybe one or two I might've pegged, but the leading characters were well-portrayed. Additionally, the visual and audio quality and directing seemed quite professional.

But I have a problem. (SPOILERS ahead for people who are completely unable to predict plot resolutions from the beginning of a film)

The message of this film, despite the characters' resolution to praise and serve God no matter what the outcome, seems to be that if you just have ENOUGH faith, God will be on your side and help you win. Indeed, the protagonist gets everything he ever dreamed of and more: a new truck, a long-expected child, a state championship...it just goes on and on. These people, they pray and decide to thank God for NOT allowing them to have things and then suddenly! tada! He whips out the present He was hiding behind His back.

This is a fairly common doctrine among the middle class American church, isn't it? Isn't it the lighter, feel-holy version of health and wealth? God will be on your side if you just believe?

What a disservice to our Christian brothers and sisters in China, in India, all around the world -- people who suffer and die for their faith. Didn't they believe enough? Are you saying that they would have not died if they simply stepped out and trusted God?

And speaking of trusting God, my 12 year old daughter pointed out that Jesus Himself would not be a "Christian" by this doctrine. He was a simple carpenter at first. During His ministry, He said that He (the Son of Man) had no place to lay his head. In the end He was tortured and mutilated so much that you could scarce tell He was a man. And she, my sweet daughter, reminded me that Jesus came not as a King but as one who suffered so that we would know He understood. She said, "Jesus went through hard things to show us the way to get through hard things."

No, we are not meant for the easy way. We are meant for the difficult journey and we walk the road knowing that suffering produces fruit. When we stumble, He is there to right us so we may continue on - He is not there to move us to the wide and comfortable path.

In a completely unprofound statement, I say: Life sucks. Life sucks a lot.

But oh, my faith grows through all of this hardship. Some people would point and say "Where is your God now?" How can I explain? How can I find words to express the shaping and molding of my faith and my spirit?

my strength and my song

I visited my former pastor today. He has gone through terrible circumstances in the past few years, events which finally led to the death of his beautiful wife in November 2006, of cancer. This man has watched his wife suffer -- and he suffered along with her. And now he suffers alone. Truly, this man is someone I can look at and KNOW that he knows sorrow and loneliness like few other American "Christians" do. We encouraged one another and he prayed for me something very specific: That I would have a song.

I was known at that church for singing. I have not been able to sing for a couple of months, not really anything beyond a sort of warbling effort with no heart. He didn't know this. I didn't tell him.

I left that church and managed to sing through most of the day, songs which came flooding back to me. Ah, what a blessed gift music is! And then I spend most of my night listening to other songs with a friend (through the wonders of IM's and a semi-common music library).

I just have to share that some of the most praising, most uplifting hymns were written by people who had gone through unimaginable circumstances. This one, a song of thanksgiving, was written by pastor Martin Rinkart soon after he buried 4000 people in one year, including his wife, after the plague swept through Europe. Fifty funerals a day! And one of my favorites was written by a man after marking the spot in the open sea where his daughters had perished in a shipwreck. The opening lyrics "When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll" take on such personal meaning when you know.

Today's hymn for me is an oldie but a goodie:

Come, thou fount of every blessing,
Teach my heart to sing thy praise.
Streams of mercy never ceasing
flow from thy undending grace.
Teach me some melodious sonnet
sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it -
Mount of thy redeeming love

Oh, to grace how great a debtor
quickly I'm constrained to be!
May thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander- Lord, I feel it-
Prone to leave the one I love.
Take my heart, Lord.
Take and seal it.
Seal it to thy courts above.

rant: nickelback

Oddly, Nickelback keeps coming up in my conversations, which is somewhat impressive because I avoid them as much as possible. Thankfully, I have found that I am not the only one. A recent conversation while driving around had me chuckling. It went something like this.

me: they're playing blocks of music. If they play Nickelback, I will have to hurt someone.
notme: If they play Nickelback, I will have to hurt Nickelback.

I was talking with another friend last night and he seemed greatly offended that I didn't find Nickelback's If Everyone Cared a profound work, what with them giving to charity and stuff. First off, every musical act pales in comparison to U2's Bono and what he's done in Africa and elsewhere. Secondly, Nickelback's singer sounds like he's constipated. Thirdly, their lyrics sound like something a 12 year old would write. May I present lyrical proof of why their music, even this song, does nothing for me.

If everyone cared and nobody cried
If everyone loved and nobody lied
If everyone shared and swallowed their pride
Then we'd see the day when nobody died

I can picture some middle schoolers working on a social studies project and writing these lyrics. And then there's this:

And in the air the fireflies
Our only light in paradise
We'll show the world they were wrong
And teach them all to sing along

Remind anyone else of a Coke commercial?

Actually, this Morrissey lyric reminds me of Nickelback. It's from The World Is Full of Crashing Bores.

What really lies
Beyond the constraints of my mind?
Could it be the sea
With fate mooning back at me?
No, it's just more lock-jawed pop-stars
Thicker than pig-shit
Nothing to convey
So scared to show intelligence
It might smear their lovely career

Yeah, THAT'S how much I can't stand Nickelback.

funny stuff

I've just discovered this hilarious artist named Anne Taintor. After looking at her magnets on amazon.com, I decided to go to her website and I've been chuckling all morning. She takes vintage advertisements and injects a little modern humor. The part I found MOST interesting was the Taintorettes, elderly women who had found their photos being used in her artwork. Have a look, have a laugh.

My birthday surprise!

Remember when I said someone gave me a really big huge surprise on my birthday?

Well, THIS was it!

That's right, folks. I got invited to go to a Morrissey concert in Pasadena, California. And somehow, by God's grace, some hard work and a bit of sheer luck, I managed to get there. :) My friends R & C loved on my children for a couple of days. They also hosted all of us two nights earlier than expected due to a snowstorm that was expected to close the mountain pass between TN & NC.

My weekend was wonderful. I conquered several fears, the biggest one being my fear of flying. In 2000, I had a panic attack aboard a plane to Florida and I hadn't flown since. I even chose to drive the 9 hour return trip rather than fly back to SC. This time around, I determined that I would face my fear. I also determined I was not facing my fear without medication! Xanax is a wonderful creation. :)

It's been so long since I've been in an actual, big city that seeing the lights of Los Angeles on our descent was amazing to me. As far as I could see, from either side of the plane, were lights! I got to see more of LA the next day when I and a friend drove around in search of the beach. The valley is massive. The mountains are so brown and boxy - completely different than the Blue Ridge Mountains I see all the time.

I can now say I have stood on both shores of the US. I grew up just about 15 minutes from the Atlantic Ocean in Ft. Lauderdale, FL. And now I have stood on Santa Monica Beach and looked out at the Pacific. That in itself was surreal because Santa Monica pier is pretty famous and there I was, just about maybe 1 mile or so from it (you really can't miss the Ferris wheel). Sadly, I did not put foot in the water but that's MAINLY because it was cold. How anyone swims in the Pacific is beyond me.

Morrissey is hands-down the best show I've been to. A lot of people say that his lyrics are very personal to them, and I've never identified with that until Saturday night. I cried five times! Some of that may have been because I was sleepy but I don't know if I'll ever listen to Life Is a Pigsty (link goes to some homemade doctor who youtube video), I've Changed My Plea to Guilty, Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want, or Let Me Kiss You without remembering. Morrissey fans are also a lot of fun, judging by the crowd I interacted with at Friday night's after-party. I still don't know why people just randomly came up and hugged me!

But really, the best part of the weekend wasn't seeing California or even seeing Morrissey. It's the memories of friendship and closeness I cherish. There's something to be said for driving around listening to rock music (and complaining about Nickelback) and getting lost. And for watching SNL skits and laughing at things that probably weren't even that funny but I was so tired. And for eating pancakes, and skipping rocks and generally me acting like an idiot on the beach. I know, when do I -not- act like an idiot? ;) Also, I seek to entertain by singing poorly. One day people may hear me actually sing and figure out that I was once a voice major. Ha!

So in the end, this was the best birthday ever.

the more things change

Over the past few months, I have had the chance to make things right with my friend, Rae. We hadn't REALLY been friends since 1993 or so, soon after I met my husband. Yet oddly it seems like no time passed. Here's sort of a stream-of-consciousness thing I was writing about my recent birthday visit with her.

*FLASH*
Rae and I are at her moms' house, jockeying for space in the bedroom mirror as we get ready to go out. It's about 10 o'clock or so and the really cool stuff isn't happening yet so we're listening to music blasting from the tape player in the bedroom, putting on perfume, trying on different outfits (I'm wearing a hideous pair of shoes), applying our minimalist makeup (cornstarch, purple or black eyeliner applied to lips AND eyes). We're discussing the various guys in our lives and how they suck or how they don't.

*FLASH*
Rae and I are at her house, jockeying for space in the bathroom mirror as we get ready to go out. It's about 9:30 or so and the really cool stuff isn't happening yet, so we're listening to CD music blasting out from the bedroom, putting on essential oils and other good scents, adjusting our outfits (I'm wearing a hideous shirt), applying our light makeup. We're discussing the various guys in our lives and how they suck or how they don't.

*FLASH*
Rae and I are on the dance floor amidst some zany crowd of people. I see all kinds here, even a few preps shuffling along the walls. Rae gets behind someone and mocks their dancing and I giggle. I do what my friend Lisa has dubbed "the flower dance" because I'm shy and don't know how to do anything else. I smoke a Marlboro Light and make a few snide comments about people I see in the club.

*FLASH*
Rae and I are on the dance floor amidst some zany crowd of people. I see all kinds here, even a few preps looking lost amidst the gyrating group. Rae nods towards someone and mocks their dancing and I giggle. I do "the flower dance" because I'm dancing on one broken foot and I can't move around that much. I smoke a clove cigarette (not addictive, trust me) and make a few snide comments about people I see in the bar.

*FLASH*
I wash my face and fall onto the mattress on the floor of Rae's room. The fan blows on me as I make a few hyper late-night comments, my voice hoarse from the smoking and the yelling over loud music. I doze off next to my best friend in the wee hours of the morning, no weird feelings about that. She's one of the few people I can sleep next to and not feel strange about!

*FLASH*
I wash my face and climb into the high bed in Rae's room. The fan blows on me as I cuddle up in the blanket and make a few hyper late-night comments, my voice hoarse from the smoking and the yelling over loud music. I doze off next to my best friend in the wee hours of the morning, no weird feelings about that still. Even in our 30s, there's nothing strange about falling asleep next to her.

*FLASH*
It's midafternoon and we're in my powder blue VW Rabbit (with pictures of rabbits on it and a logo that says, I kid you not, "Rabbit power!"). We stop at this intersection in an older part of town and we're listening to Depeche Mode 101 and laughing because our friend Eric loves to imitate the guy on this recording. "Thank you! All right!" we yell in our faux-British accents. We have to suffer through a lot of lame songs on this cassette just to get to a few good ones. Our favorite is "Master and Servant" because it's edgy and funny.

*FLASH*
It's midafternoon and we're in Rae's car (with no pictures or ridiculous logos of any kind). We stop at this intersection in an older part of town and we're listening to Depeche Mode 101 and laughing because our friend Eric loved to imitate the guy on this CD. "Thank you! All right!" we yell in our same faux-British accents, except we've got better technology so now we can forward through the songs we hate. We get to "Master and Servant" and I think we both realize how dumb it really is but we have fun singing it anyway.

*FLASH*
We've got 44 oz sodas from Circle K and we're looking at the free paper, trying to figure out what we're going to do tonight. Nothing looks promising.

*FLASH*
We've got coffee from Starbucks and we're looking at the free paper, trying to figure out what we're going to do tonight. Nothing looks promising.

*FLASH*
It's late August and Rae and I will be leaving for separate universities soon. We're both sad - neither one of us wants to be far from the other. I put on a chipper face as I drive away from her mom's, my second home. I see her in my rearview mirror, closing the front door. I don't want to grow up.

*FLASH*
It's mid January and Rae's leaving for Florida soon while I have to head back to North Carolina. We're both sad - neither one of us wants what lays ahead. I put on a chipper face as I drive away from her house, my home for the weekend. I see her through the passenger window, leaning against the post on the front porch. I wish we weren't grownups.

The better birthday

The day after my previous blog entry, on my REAL birthday, I got to get away and be myself for a while. My parents watched Tater and Peanut and a friend watched Punkin and Bean for the weekend. I went to visit my oldest and dearest friend in scenic Columbia, SC (that's the state capital, if you're trying to remember what you learned in 5th grade). Friday night we went out to eat Mexican, had a few margaritas. I -promise- I didn't realize they were strong. Wow. Tequila's a sneaky little bugger. We also went dancing. I do admit that much of my "dancing" involved me standing around and mocking people.

But the best part of my night came from a certain friend who:

a. remembered it was my birthday, despite a serious case of ADD.
b. called me early in the evening and talked to me through the ride to Mexican food (and later, laughed with me as I described the "dancing")
and
c. gave me a HUGE birthday surprise that I'll blog some other time.

The next day was precious to me, as I was just...introspective but not in a bad way. Got to hang out with my friend and just be who we are. Reminisced a bit. Went to the used CD store. Ate collard greens and jumbalaya together.

My birthday itself turned out to be great. :) Thanks for all of the bday wishes and just being there, guys. You're great.

I always hated the beach

Amusingly enough, I've started the South Beach Diet. My mother lost a bunch of weight and was eventually employed by a competing weight-loss program so this is kind of a secret. I'm also in a place in my life where I just want ready-made menu plans that I can sort of work from, so South Beach online was just what I needed.

I looked at the Zone and Atkins and (at the opposite end of the spectrum) the McDougall plan, but none of them seemed nutritionally sound to me. The vegetarian version of South Beach makes a lot of sense. You go off of carbs (except those found in beans) for two weeks and then add them back in.

The first day was crazy and I felt horrible at the end of it. Could barely move and had an awful headache. The second day was slightly better but I confess I wanted sugar more than anything!

Today I woke up feeling great. I'm not sure I've lost any weight but I do feel better than I have in a while.

a strange fear gripped me

Shyness is a sneaky thing and it even strikes extroverts on occasion.

It struck me last night.

Hopefully it was viewed as endearing instead of annoying.

What makes people shy?

Christmas movies that don't suck

I'm not a big fan of Christmas movies, which seem to fall into two categories:

-the kind that attempt to pull at your heartstrings
-the kind that want to enlighten you as to the "true meaning of Christmas" (which is almost always that giving is better than receiving)

I finally figured out that a lot of my anti-Christmas spirit comes from growing up in South Florida. The whole prepackaged Christmas holiday ideal just didn't apply to us there. We didn't have snow - it was the tropics! So you can forget the whole chestnuts on an open fire, white Christmas, winter wonderland, etc. etc. etc. It was kind of annoying to have to hear all that stuff. Let alone SEE it. Over and over again. Every Christmas.

But I do admit to having a slight bit of the ole Christmas spirit (and not the kind you find in Uncle Jed's eggnog). There are two Christmas movies I could watch year after year and be happy. One of them actually gets quoted by me throughout the year.

Veggie Tales: The Toy That Saved Christmas

I quote one line from this movie whenever I'm out with the kids and something goes awry. "Mousetrap. (pause) I wanted to play Mousetrap. You roll your dice, you move your mice. Nobody gets hurt."
Even though this one attempts to do the whole "true meaning of Christmas" thing, it almost mocks itself in doing it, which makes it OK. Plus there's selfish kids, a highly marketed toy with a buzzsaw for an arm, and penguins.

A Charlie Brown Christmas

Ah, the old standby. Yeah, the beginning music is enough to make you want to slit your wrists. Yeah, the animation and sound quality give away its 1965 creation. But there's just SOMETHING about this one that gives it staying power 41 years later. I freely admit to just basking in childlike joy when Linus steps out on stage and tells everyone what Christmas is all about. The cynic in me takes a small vacation, and I've come to terms with that.

Share your favorites, if you wish.

A dirty little word

J O Y

That's a word that gets tossed around, usually by smiling faces who seem as if they've never had a rough moment in their lives. It's hard for some of us to even imagine being joyous ever, let alone possessing a life-long joy. But what, exactly, is Joy?

A quick glance at dictionary.com (What, you thought I was going to quote Webster's?) gives us a few definitions. The first is what you'd suspect: a rapturous or elated state of being. But it's the other one I care about: a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated.

THIS kind of joy is what gets me through life. My life, as Morrissey claims, is a pigsty most of the time. But I possess that second kind of joy. I have four children, a couple of people I'd refer to as intimate friends and, most importantly, I have the hope of heaven. It is great joy!

That's why when I was having a really crappy the other day, I was able to turn on the Newsboys' Joy and still relate.

You give me joy that's unspeakable
And I like it, and I like it
Your love for me's irresistable
I can't fight it, I can't fight it

Looks like I picked the wrong week...

Airplane! has some great quotes. One of the funniest running jokes in the movie is the endless list of things Lloyd Bridges' character has just quit. He keeps saying "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit..."

-smoking
-drinking
-amphetamines
-sniffing glue

Today I just wanted to say, "Looks like I picked the wrong day to START..." I have several things but the biggest one is "taking estrogen."

I spent the entire day nauseous and in tears.

And today was the day I had to go sell my old house, which was another thing to grieve over (the loss of a dream). I also had to see my ex which is never fun.

I hate crying. I'm not a big cryer. But apparently hormones will do this to me. I need to just curl up in bed with an old war movie or something and cry my eyes out over the poor pilots who miss home.

Yuck

Today I feel ugly, fat and stupid.

Ugly: my skin's broken out and my hair won't do what it's supposed to.

Fat: I gained some weight back when I broke my foot (no more yoga or cardio stuff) and I'm also swollen. So I stepped on the scale at the dr's office today and neither she nor I liked what we saw. Blech. Time for some miracle diet.

Stupid: If you ever want to feel like an idiot, go to physical therapy. I can't move my foot the right way. It looks so easy, and I can't do it.

(and yes, I realize intellectually that my foot is damaged and this is retraining. But darn it, I still feel dumb!)

Oh, and I get to look forward to feeling pregnant. My doctor put me on hormones. This means I will now have morning sickness. Yay.

All I really want to do is binge on chocolate. But that would make everything worse.
If you've got a good joke or some way to cheer me up, leave me a comment or email me at devouthypocrite@gmail.com

Returning the favor:
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!

What did the grape say when a man stepped on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little whine/wine.