A cup of coffee is good for the soul

If you've ever gone through a fellowship drought, then you know how you get so thirsty for community that eventually it becomes an undefined emotional ache that just nibbles at your subconscious every now and again. Or maybe that's just me.

ANYway...

I have gone years without true, voluntary, no-pressure fellowship. Sure, I've attended choir practices and church suppers (where I usually ended up sitting by myself), women's events and Bible studies. I tried helping in kitchens and with events, only to be shut out by others who knew each other better and didn't have a want or need to know me. I slowly became so tired of trying that I went to complacent and possibly even to averse and unpleasant in nature.

So I guess I was kinda surprised when a friend from community group asked me to go to coffee the other day. Our planned 30 minutes turned into 2 hours and I remembered just how AWESOME fellowship is. I left with a sense of purpose, and I think she did too. It's funny how just one cup of coffee can do that, eh?

So. Good things?

Since I'm so down, it's time to look at good things about this year.

Tater enters a residential care facility on the 7th. That means no more being tied down to homeschooling her, even though I enjoy it. It also means I don't have to stress every second about whether or not she's OK. Because she'll be great! It also means visits with her dad will be supervised by pros. Yay.

I turn 35 on the 12th. Yeah, my hair's getting grayer (fortunately, my hair dye covers well) and I'm getting some laugh lines. But you know what? I work out at the gym and feel great when I do it. I'm intelligent. I'm funny. And I'm adventurous. These things don't have to stop just cause I'm turning 35.

Yes, I'm halfway to 70. But so what? I'm only HALF there! I still have 35 more years to go!

So yeah, my marriage effed up and ended last year. My first wedding anniversary as a divorced woman. And yeah, I don't have a romantic interest of any sort on the horizon. So what? SO WHAT! My life is full of friends and family! Yes, I would LOVE to have someone to grow old with but hey, I have 35 more years til 70! Maybe someone will come along in the next 10. Maybe not. If not, I will be a wacky old maid. Actually, I'll be off traveling the world, I'm sure.

So I'm not in the nursing program and probably won't get into it this year. OK. This either means a) I am not meant to be a nurse and have another path before me, or b) I'm not meant to be a nurse NOW and will be one later. Either way, I'm fine! You know why? Because predictability is boring. It really is.

As much as I complain about the craziness of my life, I like it. It suits me. I would be BORED to TEARS if my life were always the same. Yes, there's comfort in routines. But I find that I am consistently knocking people out of their comfort zones, and I like it!

So bring it on 2008! Let's see what you've got in store!

God bless us, every one! Even that guy over there, though he's kinda smelly!

So life loves to just mess my cynical self up by giving me things to be happy about. It especially likes to do this at Christmas time which has, historically, been my least favorite time of year and also the point at which Western society's redeeming qualities are at their lowest. Really. It's ALL about buying into the Christmas image which is as real as Santa Claus.

Anyway, Christmas this year was going to be a struggle. Last year, even though I had a broken foot, I had had a job, had a little money saved up. This time around I've got nothing. I'm spending now over $100 on gas per week which is KILLING my budget. I also have had to make a bunch of unexpected trips to hospitals, etc., none of which are close by. I've also tapped out my parents, who are well enough off but don't need their daughter and grandkids leeching off of their retirement money. I was kinda faced with "Hey, you guys can have new coats or new blankets. Which one do ya want?"

My son's teacher had no idea what was going on in our family, just that we were a single parent family with issues. She didn't know about The Bear's abuse or Tater's in-and-out-of-the-hospital thing or any of that. She only knows Peanut and that he's been one stressed-out little boy who doesn't always make it to school on time and doesn't always have what he's supposed to (Look, YOU take a kid to the hospital and come back, get your kids, get 'em to bed at 10:30 pm, get 'em up and to school 30 miles away by 7:45 and see if YOU can get them everything). Anyway, Peanut's teacher (We'll call her Mrs. J) requested prayer for Peanut whilst at Bible study or church or something.

Long story short: Really cool guy came up to her after that and asked if he could sponsor our family for Christmas. Decided to ask everyone coming to his Christmas party if they would bring a gift. Really cool guy (RCG) had no idea what was going to happen. He called me the other day to tell me that 20-something people were out shopping for us. WOW.

So last night we picked up Tater and drove a couple of hours to RCG's house. First off, I want to say that I felt more "at home" at RCG's house with those folks than I have since moving to NC. GREAT people. We were instantly welcomed with nary an awkward moment. We weren't on display or anything, just got to sit right down and eat some barbecue and talk and all that. Kids played video games and such. I wish we lived closer to RCG just because the people (including the very-amusing RCG) were so cool that I want to spend more time with them.

Present time arrived. My good gracious, you have never seen so many gifts in your life! And the best part was how incredibly thankful my children were! As they pulled out blankets and coats and clothes and toothbrushes and even underwear, they were so glad to have them. Additionally, Peanut and Punkin got new sheets (Transformers and Disney Princesses, respectively) that they LOVE. There was a fishing rod for Peanut, a pastels set for Tater, a bunch of doll stuff for Punkin and hair-doing stuff for Bean. It was amazing! I do confess here on my blog that my eyes leaked. Poor little suckers just couldn't keep that water in. Might need to be repaired.

We have a seven seat minivan. (Yes, I know. A minivan. I am so, SO uncool.) We occupied five of those seats. The gifts occupied the other two, plus the trunk, plus in between the seats AND on our laps. We also had some leftovers on the dash. The car was so full. Now my little living room is full! Presently Punkin is running around in Santa earmuffs, a shirt, another shirt, a pair of underwear, a Disney princess crown and some jewelry, searching for "a giant lipstick". I am laughing! There's Christmas carnage everywhere - gift bags, boxes, tissue paper!

I needed last night more than you know. About six months ago, I lost hope. I lost any hope of life ever being anything than what it was. About three months ago, I bought into the lies that I am a bad mom. Sure, I've stuck through thick and thin with my kids, far more than I think some people would be able to. But despite our stressful circumstances, I believed that any normal and good mom would always have her children's things perfectly in order. Realistically, I don't know ANYONE who could do what I've had to do and have it all together. But I bought into the lie that I just suck. In my darkest moments, I've actually pondered just giving my children over to Social Services because I must just be the worst mom in the universe.

Last night, my children showed me that I do things right. Just like when we visited Funsize in April and they voluntarily all piled into Funsize's bed and were so thankful for our vacation, last night my children were so incredibly grateful and happy for one another. Each one of them was so excited for the others with each new gift. If I have done nothing but teach my children that THEY are not the center of the universe, then I think I've done them a huge favor the some people never get.

Anyway, these are just some jumbled thoughts. I'll post the pics when they're sent to me and I'm sure my thinking will be clearer then.

Until then, Merry Christmas!

A dirty little word

J O Y

That's a word that gets tossed around, usually by smiling faces who seem as if they've never had a rough moment in their lives. It's hard for some of us to even imagine being joyous ever, let alone possessing a life-long joy. But what, exactly, is Joy?

A quick glance at dictionary.com (What, you thought I was going to quote Webster's?) gives us a few definitions. The first is what you'd suspect: a rapturous or elated state of being. But it's the other one I care about: a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated.

THIS kind of joy is what gets me through life. My life, as Morrissey claims, is a pigsty most of the time. But I possess that second kind of joy. I have four children, a couple of people I'd refer to as intimate friends and, most importantly, I have the hope of heaven. It is great joy!

That's why when I was having a really crappy the other day, I was able to turn on the Newsboys' Joy and still relate.

You give me joy that's unspeakable
And I like it, and I like it
Your love for me's irresistable
I can't fight it, I can't fight it

It's beginning to look a LOT like Christmas

So I picked the kids up from a church club last week and one of the leaders approached me. (This always sparks an "Oh no, what did my child DO?" reaction in my head.)
She looked down at my broken foot, asked after my oldest daughter and then inquired, "You've got a lot on your plate. Is there anything we can do for you?" I, of course, couldn't think of anything but she persisted. Finally she asked, "Have you decorated your house for Christmas yet?" Of course I hadn't. Besides the constant running around dealing with medical stuff, we don't even have Christmas decorations (except the Playmobil nativity).

Four women, two kids and one poor sap of a man arrived this evening with a bunch of goodies. I say the man is a poor sap because he, of course, was the guy who had to set up/wrestle with the fake tree and nail stuff to the wall. The women brought SO MUCH stuff, even potholders and rugs and such. They commenced cleaning and shepherding my kids into their rooms to clean them. They did my laundry. They mopped floors. I think I love them. ;)

As I look around, I see the lights glowing outside. Five stockings are hung -- one on the doorknob and four others on the bookshelves. Everywhere I turn, there are figurines, bells, candles. They adorn the bookshelves, the TV stand. There's a little nativity on my computer desk. The floor lamp next to me has been wrapped in silver garland. A wreath rests over my couch and red garland hangs over my back door.

In the freshly scrubbed kitchen are cute but not nauseating Christmas potholders and dishtowels and a rug. A bowl of fruit waits on the counter, across from boxes of peppermint tea, hot cocoa and cider mix. My dining room table has a little centerpiece.

But best of all is my Christmas tree. Every Christmas night, as a child, I would wake in the night and just lay on the couch, the house dark save the lights of the Christmas tree. Later I would enjoy Christmas Eves, lighting candles throughout our home. But it was always the tree lights that I loved more than anything.

I sit here at the computer desk with the tree just behind me. The green of the tree is almost golden from the lights, and the ornaments sparkle, reflecting the candy canes next to them. It's an old-fashioned tree, not filled with pretentious (but pretty) ribbons and delicate glass baubles. It's the kind in which my children's homemade ornaments will be right at home. If anything, it calls out for popsicle sticks and glitter!

For the past few years, Christmas has been such a nuisance to me. I sit here and wonder how, HOW I can feel so awed just gazing at a tree. I wonder to myself at the amazing generosity of people I barely know...and how that is Jesus in action. They are being His hands to me. I marvel at that, at how God uses us all to help one another.

Christmas is going to be hard this year in many ways. But it won't be as cold and ugly, because this house is beautiful and warm and filled with reminders of other people's love.

I hope that each of you will blessed in small ways over the next month, and that you will allow yourselves to bless others.