Over the past few months, I have had the chance to make things right with my friend, Rae. We hadn't REALLY been friends since 1993 or so, soon after I met my husband. Yet oddly it seems like no time passed. Here's sort of a stream-of-consciousness thing I was writing about my recent birthday visit with her.
*FLASH*
Rae and I are at her moms' house, jockeying for space in the bedroom mirror as we get ready to go out. It's about 10 o'clock or so and the really cool stuff isn't happening yet so we're listening to music blasting from the tape player in the bedroom, putting on perfume, trying on different outfits (I'm wearing a hideous pair of shoes), applying our minimalist makeup (cornstarch, purple or black eyeliner applied to lips AND eyes). We're discussing the various guys in our lives and how they suck or how they don't.
*FLASH*
Rae and I are at her house, jockeying for space in the bathroom mirror as we get ready to go out. It's about 9:30 or so and the really cool stuff isn't happening yet, so we're listening to CD music blasting out from the bedroom, putting on essential oils and other good scents, adjusting our outfits (I'm wearing a hideous shirt), applying our light makeup. We're discussing the various guys in our lives and how they suck or how they don't.
*FLASH*
Rae and I are on the dance floor amidst some zany crowd of people. I see all kinds here, even a few preps shuffling along the walls. Rae gets behind someone and mocks their dancing and I giggle. I do what my friend Lisa has dubbed "the flower dance" because I'm shy and don't know how to do anything else. I smoke a Marlboro Light and make a few snide comments about people I see in the club.
*FLASH*
Rae and I are on the dance floor amidst some zany crowd of people. I see all kinds here, even a few preps looking lost amidst the gyrating group. Rae nods towards someone and mocks their dancing and I giggle. I do "the flower dance" because I'm dancing on one broken foot and I can't move around that much. I smoke a clove cigarette (not addictive, trust me) and make a few snide comments about people I see in the bar.
*FLASH*
I wash my face and fall onto the mattress on the floor of Rae's room. The fan blows on me as I make a few hyper late-night comments, my voice hoarse from the smoking and the yelling over loud music. I doze off next to my best friend in the wee hours of the morning, no weird feelings about that. She's one of the few people I can sleep next to and not feel strange about!
*FLASH*
I wash my face and climb into the high bed in Rae's room. The fan blows on me as I cuddle up in the blanket and make a few hyper late-night comments, my voice hoarse from the smoking and the yelling over loud music. I doze off next to my best friend in the wee hours of the morning, no weird feelings about that still. Even in our 30s, there's nothing strange about falling asleep next to her.
*FLASH*
It's midafternoon and we're in my powder blue VW Rabbit (with pictures of rabbits on it and a logo that says, I kid you not, "Rabbit power!"). We stop at this intersection in an older part of town and we're listening to Depeche Mode 101 and laughing because our friend Eric loves to imitate the guy on this recording. "Thank you! All right!" we yell in our faux-British accents. We have to suffer through a lot of lame songs on this cassette just to get to a few good ones. Our favorite is "Master and Servant" because it's edgy and funny.
*FLASH*
It's midafternoon and we're in Rae's car (with no pictures or ridiculous logos of any kind). We stop at this intersection in an older part of town and we're listening to Depeche Mode 101 and laughing because our friend Eric loved to imitate the guy on this CD. "Thank you! All right!" we yell in our same faux-British accents, except we've got better technology so now we can forward through the songs we hate. We get to "Master and Servant" and I think we both realize how dumb it really is but we have fun singing it anyway.
*FLASH*
We've got 44 oz sodas from Circle K and we're looking at the free paper, trying to figure out what we're going to do tonight. Nothing looks promising.
*FLASH*
We've got coffee from Starbucks and we're looking at the free paper, trying to figure out what we're going to do tonight. Nothing looks promising.
*FLASH*
It's late August and Rae and I will be leaving for separate universities soon. We're both sad - neither one of us wants to be far from the other. I put on a chipper face as I drive away from her mom's, my second home. I see her in my rearview mirror, closing the front door. I don't want to grow up.
*FLASH*
It's mid January and Rae's leaving for Florida soon while I have to head back to North Carolina. We're both sad - neither one of us wants what lays ahead. I put on a chipper face as I drive away from her house, my home for the weekend. I see her through the passenger window, leaning against the post on the front porch. I wish we weren't grownups.
30 January 2007
16 January 2007
The better birthday
The day after my previous blog entry, on my REAL birthday, I got to get away and be myself for a while. My parents watched Tater and Peanut and a friend watched Punkin and Bean for the weekend. I went to visit my oldest and dearest friend in scenic Columbia, SC (that's the state capital, if you're trying to remember what you learned in 5th grade). Friday night we went out to eat Mexican, had a few margaritas. I -promise- I didn't realize they were strong. Wow. Tequila's a sneaky little bugger. We also went dancing. I do admit that much of my "dancing" involved me standing around and mocking people.
But the best part of my night came from a certain friend who:
a. remembered it was my birthday, despite a serious case of ADD.
b. called me early in the evening and talked to me through the ride to Mexican food (and later, laughed with me as I described the "dancing")
and
c. gave me a HUGE birthday surprise that I'll blog some other time.
The next day was precious to me, as I was just...introspective but not in a bad way. Got to hang out with my friend and just be who we are. Reminisced a bit. Went to the used CD store. Ate collard greens and jumbalaya together.
My birthday itself turned out to be great. :) Thanks for all of the bday wishes and just being there, guys. You're great.
But the best part of my night came from a certain friend who:
a. remembered it was my birthday, despite a serious case of ADD.
b. called me early in the evening and talked to me through the ride to Mexican food (and later, laughed with me as I described the "dancing")
and
c. gave me a HUGE birthday surprise that I'll blog some other time.
The next day was precious to me, as I was just...introspective but not in a bad way. Got to hang out with my friend and just be who we are. Reminisced a bit. Went to the used CD store. Ate collard greens and jumbalaya together.
My birthday itself turned out to be great. :) Thanks for all of the bday wishes and just being there, guys. You're great.
07 January 2007
I always hated the beach
Amusingly enough, I've started the South Beach Diet. My mother lost a bunch of weight and was eventually employed by a competing weight-loss program so this is kind of a secret. I'm also in a place in my life where I just want ready-made menu plans that I can sort of work from, so South Beach online was just what I needed.
I looked at the Zone and Atkins and (at the opposite end of the spectrum) the McDougall plan, but none of them seemed nutritionally sound to me. The vegetarian version of South Beach makes a lot of sense. You go off of carbs (except those found in beans) for two weeks and then add them back in.
The first day was crazy and I felt horrible at the end of it. Could barely move and had an awful headache. The second day was slightly better but I confess I wanted sugar more than anything!
Today I woke up feeling great. I'm not sure I've lost any weight but I do feel better than I have in a while.
I looked at the Zone and Atkins and (at the opposite end of the spectrum) the McDougall plan, but none of them seemed nutritionally sound to me. The vegetarian version of South Beach makes a lot of sense. You go off of carbs (except those found in beans) for two weeks and then add them back in.
The first day was crazy and I felt horrible at the end of it. Could barely move and had an awful headache. The second day was slightly better but I confess I wanted sugar more than anything!
Today I woke up feeling great. I'm not sure I've lost any weight but I do feel better than I have in a while.
04 January 2007
a strange fear gripped me
Shyness is a sneaky thing and it even strikes extroverts on occasion.
It struck me last night.
Hopefully it was viewed as endearing instead of annoying.
What makes people shy?
It struck me last night.
Hopefully it was viewed as endearing instead of annoying.
What makes people shy?
22 December 2006
Christmas movies that don't suck
I'm not a big fan of Christmas movies, which seem to fall into two categories:
-the kind that attempt to pull at your heartstrings
-the kind that want to enlighten you as to the "true meaning of Christmas" (which is almost always that giving is better than receiving)
I finally figured out that a lot of my anti-Christmas spirit comes from growing up in South Florida. The whole prepackaged Christmas holiday ideal just didn't apply to us there. We didn't have snow - it was the tropics! So you can forget the whole chestnuts on an open fire, white Christmas, winter wonderland, etc. etc. etc. It was kind of annoying to have to hear all that stuff. Let alone SEE it. Over and over again. Every Christmas.
But I do admit to having a slight bit of the ole Christmas spirit (and not the kind you find in Uncle Jed's eggnog). There are two Christmas movies I could watch year after year and be happy. One of them actually gets quoted by me throughout the year.
Veggie Tales: The Toy That Saved Christmas
I quote one line from this movie whenever I'm out with the kids and something goes awry. "Mousetrap. (pause) I wanted to play Mousetrap. You roll your dice, you move your mice. Nobody gets hurt."
Even though this one attempts to do the whole "true meaning of Christmas" thing, it almost mocks itself in doing it, which makes it OK. Plus there's selfish kids, a highly marketed toy with a buzzsaw for an arm, and penguins.
A Charlie Brown Christmas
Ah, the old standby. Yeah, the beginning music is enough to make you want to slit your wrists. Yeah, the animation and sound quality give away its 1965 creation. But there's just SOMETHING about this one that gives it staying power 41 years later. I freely admit to just basking in childlike joy when Linus steps out on stage and tells everyone what Christmas is all about. The cynic in me takes a small vacation, and I've come to terms with that.
Share your favorites, if you wish.
-the kind that attempt to pull at your heartstrings
-the kind that want to enlighten you as to the "true meaning of Christmas" (which is almost always that giving is better than receiving)
I finally figured out that a lot of my anti-Christmas spirit comes from growing up in South Florida. The whole prepackaged Christmas holiday ideal just didn't apply to us there. We didn't have snow - it was the tropics! So you can forget the whole chestnuts on an open fire, white Christmas, winter wonderland, etc. etc. etc. It was kind of annoying to have to hear all that stuff. Let alone SEE it. Over and over again. Every Christmas.
But I do admit to having a slight bit of the ole Christmas spirit (and not the kind you find in Uncle Jed's eggnog). There are two Christmas movies I could watch year after year and be happy. One of them actually gets quoted by me throughout the year.
Veggie Tales: The Toy That Saved Christmas
I quote one line from this movie whenever I'm out with the kids and something goes awry. "Mousetrap. (pause) I wanted to play Mousetrap. You roll your dice, you move your mice. Nobody gets hurt."
Even though this one attempts to do the whole "true meaning of Christmas" thing, it almost mocks itself in doing it, which makes it OK. Plus there's selfish kids, a highly marketed toy with a buzzsaw for an arm, and penguins.
A Charlie Brown Christmas
Ah, the old standby. Yeah, the beginning music is enough to make you want to slit your wrists. Yeah, the animation and sound quality give away its 1965 creation. But there's just SOMETHING about this one that gives it staying power 41 years later. I freely admit to just basking in childlike joy when Linus steps out on stage and tells everyone what Christmas is all about. The cynic in me takes a small vacation, and I've come to terms with that.
Share your favorites, if you wish.
21 December 2006
A dirty little word
J O Y
That's a word that gets tossed around, usually by smiling faces who seem as if they've never had a rough moment in their lives. It's hard for some of us to even imagine being joyous ever, let alone possessing a life-long joy. But what, exactly, is Joy?
A quick glance at dictionary.com (What, you thought I was going to quote Webster's?) gives us a few definitions. The first is what you'd suspect: a rapturous or elated state of being. But it's the other one I care about: a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated.
THIS kind of joy is what gets me through life. My life, as Morrissey claims, is a pigsty most of the time. But I possess that second kind of joy. I have four children, a couple of people I'd refer to as intimate friends and, most importantly, I have the hope of heaven. It is great joy!
That's why when I was having a really crappy the other day, I was able to turn on the Newsboys' Joy and still relate.
You give me joy that's unspeakable
And I like it, and I like it
Your love for me's irresistable
I can't fight it, I can't fight it
That's a word that gets tossed around, usually by smiling faces who seem as if they've never had a rough moment in their lives. It's hard for some of us to even imagine being joyous ever, let alone possessing a life-long joy. But what, exactly, is Joy?
A quick glance at dictionary.com (What, you thought I was going to quote Webster's?) gives us a few definitions. The first is what you'd suspect: a rapturous or elated state of being. But it's the other one I care about: a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated.
THIS kind of joy is what gets me through life. My life, as Morrissey claims, is a pigsty most of the time. But I possess that second kind of joy. I have four children, a couple of people I'd refer to as intimate friends and, most importantly, I have the hope of heaven. It is great joy!
That's why when I was having a really crappy the other day, I was able to turn on the Newsboys' Joy and still relate.
You give me joy that's unspeakable
And I like it, and I like it
Your love for me's irresistable
I can't fight it, I can't fight it
19 December 2006
Looks like I picked the wrong week...
Airplane! has some great quotes. One of the funniest running jokes in the movie is the endless list of things Lloyd Bridges' character has just quit. He keeps saying "Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit..."
-smoking
-drinking
-amphetamines
-sniffing glue
Today I just wanted to say, "Looks like I picked the wrong day to START..." I have several things but the biggest one is "taking estrogen."
I spent the entire day nauseous and in tears.
And today was the day I had to go sell my old house, which was another thing to grieve over (the loss of a dream). I also had to see my ex which is never fun.
I hate crying. I'm not a big cryer. But apparently hormones will do this to me. I need to just curl up in bed with an old war movie or something and cry my eyes out over the poor pilots who miss home.
-smoking
-drinking
-amphetamines
-sniffing glue
Today I just wanted to say, "Looks like I picked the wrong day to START..." I have several things but the biggest one is "taking estrogen."
I spent the entire day nauseous and in tears.
And today was the day I had to go sell my old house, which was another thing to grieve over (the loss of a dream). I also had to see my ex which is never fun.
I hate crying. I'm not a big cryer. But apparently hormones will do this to me. I need to just curl up in bed with an old war movie or something and cry my eyes out over the poor pilots who miss home.
18 December 2006
Yuck
Today I feel ugly, fat and stupid.
Ugly: my skin's broken out and my hair won't do what it's supposed to.
Fat: I gained some weight back when I broke my foot (no more yoga or cardio stuff) and I'm also swollen. So I stepped on the scale at the dr's office today and neither she nor I liked what we saw. Blech. Time for some miracle diet.
Stupid: If you ever want to feel like an idiot, go to physical therapy. I can't move my foot the right way. It looks so easy, and I can't do it.
(and yes, I realize intellectually that my foot is damaged and this is retraining. But darn it, I still feel dumb!)
Oh, and I get to look forward to feeling pregnant. My doctor put me on hormones. This means I will now have morning sickness. Yay.
All I really want to do is binge on chocolate. But that would make everything worse.
If you've got a good joke or some way to cheer me up, leave me a comment or email me at devouthypocrite@gmail.com
Returning the favor:
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
What did the grape say when a man stepped on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little whine/wine.
Ugly: my skin's broken out and my hair won't do what it's supposed to.
Fat: I gained some weight back when I broke my foot (no more yoga or cardio stuff) and I'm also swollen. So I stepped on the scale at the dr's office today and neither she nor I liked what we saw. Blech. Time for some miracle diet.
Stupid: If you ever want to feel like an idiot, go to physical therapy. I can't move my foot the right way. It looks so easy, and I can't do it.
(and yes, I realize intellectually that my foot is damaged and this is retraining. But darn it, I still feel dumb!)
Oh, and I get to look forward to feeling pregnant. My doctor put me on hormones. This means I will now have morning sickness. Yay.
All I really want to do is binge on chocolate. But that would make everything worse.
If you've got a good joke or some way to cheer me up, leave me a comment or email me at devouthypocrite@gmail.com
Returning the favor:
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
What did the grape say when a man stepped on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little whine/wine.
16 December 2006
this amused me
I was doing one of those ipod/itunes shuffle things where you play songs and press "next" to answer the questions. This one just sorta made me chuckle. Post yours in comments if you want!
How am I feeling today?
world full of nothing - depeche mode (true, true)
Will I get far in life?
thief - third day (ha!)
How do my friends see me?
dance with me - the sounds (oh come on, y'all think I'm fun. and you want to mock me while I'm immobilized by my frankestein foot.)
Where will I get married?
say hello to the angels - interpol (so...I'd rather die before remarrying?)
What is my best friend's theme song?
I am in love with you - imogen heap (I don't even know what to say to this)
What is the story of my life?
pluto drive - the creatures (yeah, I pretty much want to do the stuff no one else does)
What was high school like?
will the summer make good for all our sins - Mum (oh, how true)
How can I get ahead in life?
the last beat of my heart -siouxsie and the banshees (work til you die, chica)
What is the best thing about me?
underwear - the magnetic fields (if my hanes her way is the best thing about me, well...I'm doomed. I'd better invest in something nicer.)
What is today going to be like?
under the carlaw bridge - lowest of the low ("well, it's another cold one...")
What is in store for this weekend?
i've got you memorized - ivy (a song in which someone confronts another person who keeps lying. appropriate.)
What song describes my parents?
trust - sarah mclachlan (I don't think they do trust me. But I trust them.)
To describe my grandparents?
Cemetry gates - the smiths (ok, this actually made me laugh when it came up)
How is my life going?
back - barenaked ladies ("I woke up yesterday morning, fell down two flights of stairs")
What song will they play at my funeral?
leash called love - sugarcubes (great, so I'm never going to get past this mess?)
How does the world see me?
spacy bitch - lords of acid (again, I chuckled when this popped up. Probably QUITE true)
Will I have a happy life?
she's a star - james ("It's a long road, It's a great cause...It's a good call")
What do my friends really think of me?
fresher than the night at the w - tobymac (why thank you)
Do people secretly lust after me?
to have and to hold - depeche mode (so does this mean I'm the marrying type then, and not the lusting-after type?)
How can I make myself happy?
acoustic guitar - magnetic fields (yep, I'm trying to learn it)
What should I do with my life?
I know it's over - the smiths (so...I should just give up?)
Will I ever have children?
one day more -les miserables (Given that I have four, one day more and another day after that, ad nauseum, sounds good to me)
What was filling out this survey like?
paradise place - siouxsie and the banshees (hardly)
How am I feeling today?
world full of nothing - depeche mode (true, true)
Will I get far in life?
thief - third day (ha!)
How do my friends see me?
dance with me - the sounds (oh come on, y'all think I'm fun. and you want to mock me while I'm immobilized by my frankestein foot.)
Where will I get married?
say hello to the angels - interpol (so...I'd rather die before remarrying?)
What is my best friend's theme song?
I am in love with you - imogen heap (I don't even know what to say to this)
What is the story of my life?
pluto drive - the creatures (yeah, I pretty much want to do the stuff no one else does)
What was high school like?
will the summer make good for all our sins - Mum (oh, how true)
How can I get ahead in life?
the last beat of my heart -siouxsie and the banshees (work til you die, chica)
What is the best thing about me?
underwear - the magnetic fields (if my hanes her way is the best thing about me, well...I'm doomed. I'd better invest in something nicer.)
What is today going to be like?
under the carlaw bridge - lowest of the low ("well, it's another cold one...")
What is in store for this weekend?
i've got you memorized - ivy (a song in which someone confronts another person who keeps lying. appropriate.)
What song describes my parents?
trust - sarah mclachlan (I don't think they do trust me. But I trust them.)
To describe my grandparents?
Cemetry gates - the smiths (ok, this actually made me laugh when it came up)
How is my life going?
back - barenaked ladies ("I woke up yesterday morning, fell down two flights of stairs")
What song will they play at my funeral?
leash called love - sugarcubes (great, so I'm never going to get past this mess?)
How does the world see me?
spacy bitch - lords of acid (again, I chuckled when this popped up. Probably QUITE true)
Will I have a happy life?
she's a star - james ("It's a long road, It's a great cause...It's a good call")
What do my friends really think of me?
fresher than the night at the w - tobymac (why thank you)
Do people secretly lust after me?
to have and to hold - depeche mode (so does this mean I'm the marrying type then, and not the lusting-after type?)
How can I make myself happy?
acoustic guitar - magnetic fields (yep, I'm trying to learn it)
What should I do with my life?
I know it's over - the smiths (so...I should just give up?)
Will I ever have children?
one day more -les miserables (Given that I have four, one day more and another day after that, ad nauseum, sounds good to me)
What was filling out this survey like?
paradise place - siouxsie and the banshees (hardly)
a lull, and then dark seas ahead
I am sooo thankful that my kids get out for Christmas break next week. We can revert to our old, relaxed lifestyle, if only for 10 days. Yay!
After that, we'll have dark days ahead. My birthday is January 12th and my wedding anniversary is January 15th, and I am just dreading those days. I don't want to be around my parents because they will give me all these pitying looks and pats on the hand and all I -want- to do is NOT think about it. What I'd really like to do is farm my dear children out to a few friends for the weekend and go out of town. That would make me happy. I wouldn't be alone and stewing, but I wouldn't be around here.
It'll be 13 years since I got married. And 34 years since I was born.
I don't regret either because they can't be changed.
After that, we'll have dark days ahead. My birthday is January 12th and my wedding anniversary is January 15th, and I am just dreading those days. I don't want to be around my parents because they will give me all these pitying looks and pats on the hand and all I -want- to do is NOT think about it. What I'd really like to do is farm my dear children out to a few friends for the weekend and go out of town. That would make me happy. I wouldn't be alone and stewing, but I wouldn't be around here.
It'll be 13 years since I got married. And 34 years since I was born.
I don't regret either because they can't be changed.
07 December 2006
yeah, I'm as stubborn as a mule
OK, I am not the smartest cookie. I have really been SO insistent that I can handle everything on my own (and I pretty much can) that I've refused very practical help. And I've pushed myself very hard to prove that I can do everything that I need to do.
This has finally caught up with me.
Three weeks after breaking my foot, I've been up and walking in the fracture boot without crutches. Silly me, I thought I could just go gallavanting around North Carolina, running necessary errands, without crutches. I spent all day Monday hobbling myself around various offices, trying to set things up for Tater's arrival. Tuesday, I ran (sometimes literally ran) all over, getting to appointments, getting Tater, going to the DMV, going to another appointment, getting the other kids, rushing home to get Christmas decorations.
By the time I got home last night, I could barely move. But dumb-butt me, I was scheduled to work today for the first time since the unfortunate incident with the garage steps. So I got kids up, ready, fed and off to school, ran over to the DMV then the bank then to work. I worked three hours but by the end I was actually crying from the pain. I then had to walk into the school to retrieve Tater, do a few piddly errands, a wee bit of piddly housework (done from the rolling computer chair) and then it was OFF to get other kids, etc etc etc.
My leg hurts so bad. It's not just the foot and ankle area - it's the entire left leg to just past the knee. The whole thing is swollen and my knee hurts so bad that I can't even THINK about kneeling on it. I'm nauseous and gritting my teeth. I took ibuprofen, I elevated the thing for four hours. And yet I still hurt just as bad.
Tomorrow, I'm supposed to have traffic court in the morning and then I have some free time before I have to pick up Tater and take her to an appointment. Friday, I'm scheduled to work again.
I don't even know if I'll be able to stand up tomorrow. I'm such a freakin moron.
This has finally caught up with me.
Three weeks after breaking my foot, I've been up and walking in the fracture boot without crutches. Silly me, I thought I could just go gallavanting around North Carolina, running necessary errands, without crutches. I spent all day Monday hobbling myself around various offices, trying to set things up for Tater's arrival. Tuesday, I ran (sometimes literally ran) all over, getting to appointments, getting Tater, going to the DMV, going to another appointment, getting the other kids, rushing home to get Christmas decorations.
By the time I got home last night, I could barely move. But dumb-butt me, I was scheduled to work today for the first time since the unfortunate incident with the garage steps. So I got kids up, ready, fed and off to school, ran over to the DMV then the bank then to work. I worked three hours but by the end I was actually crying from the pain. I then had to walk into the school to retrieve Tater, do a few piddly errands, a wee bit of piddly housework (done from the rolling computer chair) and then it was OFF to get other kids, etc etc etc.
My leg hurts so bad. It's not just the foot and ankle area - it's the entire left leg to just past the knee. The whole thing is swollen and my knee hurts so bad that I can't even THINK about kneeling on it. I'm nauseous and gritting my teeth. I took ibuprofen, I elevated the thing for four hours. And yet I still hurt just as bad.
Tomorrow, I'm supposed to have traffic court in the morning and then I have some free time before I have to pick up Tater and take her to an appointment. Friday, I'm scheduled to work again.
I don't even know if I'll be able to stand up tomorrow. I'm such a freakin moron.
05 December 2006
It's beginning to look a LOT like Christmas
So I picked the kids up from a church club last week and one of the leaders approached me. (This always sparks an "Oh no, what did my child DO?" reaction in my head.)
She looked down at my broken foot, asked after my oldest daughter and then inquired, "You've got a lot on your plate. Is there anything we can do for you?" I, of course, couldn't think of anything but she persisted. Finally she asked, "Have you decorated your house for Christmas yet?" Of course I hadn't. Besides the constant running around dealing with medical stuff, we don't even have Christmas decorations (except the Playmobil nativity).
Four women, two kids and one poor sap of a man arrived this evening with a bunch of goodies. I say the man is a poor sap because he, of course, was the guy who had to set up/wrestle with the fake tree and nail stuff to the wall. The women brought SO MUCH stuff, even potholders and rugs and such. They commenced cleaning and shepherding my kids into their rooms to clean them. They did my laundry. They mopped floors. I think I love them. ;)
As I look around, I see the lights glowing outside. Five stockings are hung -- one on the doorknob and four others on the bookshelves. Everywhere I turn, there are figurines, bells, candles. They adorn the bookshelves, the TV stand. There's a little nativity on my computer desk. The floor lamp next to me has been wrapped in silver garland. A wreath rests over my couch and red garland hangs over my back door.
In the freshly scrubbed kitchen are cute but not nauseating Christmas potholders and dishtowels and a rug. A bowl of fruit waits on the counter, across from boxes of peppermint tea, hot cocoa and cider mix. My dining room table has a little centerpiece.
But best of all is my Christmas tree. Every Christmas night, as a child, I would wake in the night and just lay on the couch, the house dark save the lights of the Christmas tree. Later I would enjoy Christmas Eves, lighting candles throughout our home. But it was always the tree lights that I loved more than anything.
I sit here at the computer desk with the tree just behind me. The green of the tree is almost golden from the lights, and the ornaments sparkle, reflecting the candy canes next to them. It's an old-fashioned tree, not filled with pretentious (but pretty) ribbons and delicate glass baubles. It's the kind in which my children's homemade ornaments will be right at home. If anything, it calls out for popsicle sticks and glitter!
For the past few years, Christmas has been such a nuisance to me. I sit here and wonder how, HOW I can feel so awed just gazing at a tree. I wonder to myself at the amazing generosity of people I barely know...and how that is Jesus in action. They are being His hands to me. I marvel at that, at how God uses us all to help one another.
Christmas is going to be hard this year in many ways. But it won't be as cold and ugly, because this house is beautiful and warm and filled with reminders of other people's love.
I hope that each of you will blessed in small ways over the next month, and that you will allow yourselves to bless others.
She looked down at my broken foot, asked after my oldest daughter and then inquired, "You've got a lot on your plate. Is there anything we can do for you?" I, of course, couldn't think of anything but she persisted. Finally she asked, "Have you decorated your house for Christmas yet?" Of course I hadn't. Besides the constant running around dealing with medical stuff, we don't even have Christmas decorations (except the Playmobil nativity).
Four women, two kids and one poor sap of a man arrived this evening with a bunch of goodies. I say the man is a poor sap because he, of course, was the guy who had to set up/wrestle with the fake tree and nail stuff to the wall. The women brought SO MUCH stuff, even potholders and rugs and such. They commenced cleaning and shepherding my kids into their rooms to clean them. They did my laundry. They mopped floors. I think I love them. ;)
As I look around, I see the lights glowing outside. Five stockings are hung -- one on the doorknob and four others on the bookshelves. Everywhere I turn, there are figurines, bells, candles. They adorn the bookshelves, the TV stand. There's a little nativity on my computer desk. The floor lamp next to me has been wrapped in silver garland. A wreath rests over my couch and red garland hangs over my back door.
In the freshly scrubbed kitchen are cute but not nauseating Christmas potholders and dishtowels and a rug. A bowl of fruit waits on the counter, across from boxes of peppermint tea, hot cocoa and cider mix. My dining room table has a little centerpiece.
But best of all is my Christmas tree. Every Christmas night, as a child, I would wake in the night and just lay on the couch, the house dark save the lights of the Christmas tree. Later I would enjoy Christmas Eves, lighting candles throughout our home. But it was always the tree lights that I loved more than anything.
I sit here at the computer desk with the tree just behind me. The green of the tree is almost golden from the lights, and the ornaments sparkle, reflecting the candy canes next to them. It's an old-fashioned tree, not filled with pretentious (but pretty) ribbons and delicate glass baubles. It's the kind in which my children's homemade ornaments will be right at home. If anything, it calls out for popsicle sticks and glitter!
For the past few years, Christmas has been such a nuisance to me. I sit here and wonder how, HOW I can feel so awed just gazing at a tree. I wonder to myself at the amazing generosity of people I barely know...and how that is Jesus in action. They are being His hands to me. I marvel at that, at how God uses us all to help one another.
Christmas is going to be hard this year in many ways. But it won't be as cold and ugly, because this house is beautiful and warm and filled with reminders of other people's love.
I hope that each of you will blessed in small ways over the next month, and that you will allow yourselves to bless others.
04 December 2006
Wow, this blogging thing works!
So I blogged a couple of things I wanted --both unattainable and doable-- on Friday afternoon. I didn't really expect anything. REALLY!
Lo and behold, I received Morrissey's You Are the Quarry on Saturday night. From someone I didn't even know read my blog! and to that person, I dedicate Track 11. But especially these words:
You're not right in the head
and nor am I, and this is why
You're not right in the head,
and nor am I, and this is why
This is why I like you
To the rest of you...well...I'm waiting! I add to my list, um...
a hot tub
a handsome manservant who happens to be mute
a nifty keen car that seats 6 but ISN'T mom-ish.
(In other words, I want my VW Bus. That's my dream car. I'm not joking.)
Get crackin' people!
OK, and in other real serious news...my daughter is coming home tomorrow! again! If she doesn't make it this time, it'll be into a therapeutic foster home so...let's hope she'll be OK here!
Lo and behold, I received Morrissey's You Are the Quarry on Saturday night. From someone I didn't even know read my blog! and to that person, I dedicate Track 11. But especially these words:
You're not right in the head
and nor am I, and this is why
You're not right in the head,
and nor am I, and this is why
This is why I like you
To the rest of you...well...I'm waiting! I add to my list, um...
a hot tub
a handsome manservant who happens to be mute
a nifty keen car that seats 6 but ISN'T mom-ish.
(In other words, I want my VW Bus. That's my dream car. I'm not joking.)
Get crackin' people!
OK, and in other real serious news...my daughter is coming home tomorrow! again! If she doesn't make it this time, it'll be into a therapeutic foster home so...let's hope she'll be OK here!
01 December 2006
I'm dreaming of a...
With Christmas and my birthday (January 12th!) rapidly approaching, it's high time I told all my friends just what I'll be expecting. 'Course, some of these things are entirely unattainable. But hey, I'm bored and I've finished my Christmas shopping so it's time to entertain myself!
1. Someone to go to the Leigh Nash/BNL concert with me in Charlotte on 12/17. I'd even buy the ticket! I just can't go to a general admin show with a broken foot, all by myself.
2. T-shirts from this website. I love the TEH shirt, the broken heart shirt and the Coffee of Doom shirt.
3. Healing for my daughter's mental illness
4. T-shirts from thinkgeek.com, especially the caffeine molecule and Obey Gravity.
5. a maid
6. Viva Hate and You Are the Quarry, CD's by Morrissey
7. a guitar tutor
8. a way to get to IL, MA, Canada and Australia so I can hang out with people I like instead of moping my sorry butt around here. Oh, and childcare. ;)
9. a weekend at a spa
10. sleep, and lots of it. Like...a year.
1. Someone to go to the Leigh Nash/BNL concert with me in Charlotte on 12/17. I'd even buy the ticket! I just can't go to a general admin show with a broken foot, all by myself.
2. T-shirts from this website. I love the TEH shirt, the broken heart shirt and the Coffee of Doom shirt.
3. Healing for my daughter's mental illness
4. T-shirts from thinkgeek.com, especially the caffeine molecule and Obey Gravity.
5. a maid
6. Viva Hate and You Are the Quarry, CD's by Morrissey
7. a guitar tutor
8. a way to get to IL, MA, Canada and Australia so I can hang out with people I like instead of moping my sorry butt around here. Oh, and childcare. ;)
9. a weekend at a spa
10. sleep, and lots of it. Like...a year.
WTF?
Yep folks. W T F is my favorite online phrase.
I don't cuss a lot in real life (though I confess I did say a few choice words when I broke my foot a couple of weeks ago). But for some reason WTF just resonates with me. Oddly, when I type it, I don't think of it as "What the f---" but "WTF" just by itself.
So I had a little WTF moment yesterday, involving my ex-husband and a kiss. According to one divorced friend, that kind of stuff happens all the time. According to another, I'm nuts and it never even occurred to that person to do that with the ex.
Felt icky for the rest of the day. Still feel icky and confused as to HOW I could let that happen. Ick ick ick. Ick.
And Ick again.
I don't cuss a lot in real life (though I confess I did say a few choice words when I broke my foot a couple of weeks ago). But for some reason WTF just resonates with me. Oddly, when I type it, I don't think of it as "What the f---" but "WTF" just by itself.
So I had a little WTF moment yesterday, involving my ex-husband and a kiss. According to one divorced friend, that kind of stuff happens all the time. According to another, I'm nuts and it never even occurred to that person to do that with the ex.
Felt icky for the rest of the day. Still feel icky and confused as to HOW I could let that happen. Ick ick ick. Ick.
And Ick again.
09 November 2006
confusion
There's about five things I need to blog but I think this is the most pressing.
Talking to my ex-husband is incredibly confusing. He is very very charming and I always leave meetings with him thinking that maybe I've done the wrong thing. Maybe everything will work out if I stay with him. He leaves me so, so dazed sometimes.
This worries me. I don't like it. I don't like being vulnerable, especially not around him.
But I guess recognizing it as a problem is a good sign, right?
The other day I was talking to him and having to explain that our daughter was yet again in the hospital (she's been in for about 3 weeks total, and is finally out! yay!) because apparently he didn't get my message. So I was explaining it and the whole thing was so awful that it's an emotionally draining experience just retelling how she ended up there.
So I was quiet and crying a little and he said, "I'm so sorry you have to go through this all alone." I told him we'd get through it somehow because there's no choice.
And then he said, "I wish this situation could be different but you chose this way and you don't want it to change no matter what I do. So you'll have to live with that knowledge for the rest of your life."
I hung up. Later a friend told me I should have said "I don't HAVE to. I GET to."
I have pondered hiring this friend as a sort of reverse Cyrano de Bergerac, someone to hide in the bushes and feed me witty replies to subtle digs.
Talking to my ex-husband is incredibly confusing. He is very very charming and I always leave meetings with him thinking that maybe I've done the wrong thing. Maybe everything will work out if I stay with him. He leaves me so, so dazed sometimes.
This worries me. I don't like it. I don't like being vulnerable, especially not around him.
But I guess recognizing it as a problem is a good sign, right?
The other day I was talking to him and having to explain that our daughter was yet again in the hospital (she's been in for about 3 weeks total, and is finally out! yay!) because apparently he didn't get my message. So I was explaining it and the whole thing was so awful that it's an emotionally draining experience just retelling how she ended up there.
So I was quiet and crying a little and he said, "I'm so sorry you have to go through this all alone." I told him we'd get through it somehow because there's no choice.
And then he said, "I wish this situation could be different but you chose this way and you don't want it to change no matter what I do. So you'll have to live with that knowledge for the rest of your life."
I hung up. Later a friend told me I should have said "I don't HAVE to. I GET to."
I have pondered hiring this friend as a sort of reverse Cyrano de Bergerac, someone to hide in the bushes and feed me witty replies to subtle digs.
23 October 2006
Friends
There is nothing like a friend. Seriously, I've never been a big FRIEND person just because I tend towards solitary activities like reading, writing, etc. Plus I was so darn insecure for so many years that I just didn't make friends very easily.
But boy, do I appreciate you guys. Some of my friends read this blog and some don't. Some of you who read my blog are friends and some aren't.
I went through a super-rough time on Wednesday night and I can't tell you how awesome it was to be able to call someone, tell him I was stressed out and have an instant comedian on my hands. It was so great to know that I had people to be there, even if they weren't able to be there physically. And yes, it would be nice to have a REAL hug from someone but sometimes that just isn't possible. I'm thankful for what I've got.
I guess there are some of you reading who don't have friends to call in case of emergency. So let me into your lives, people! I'll be there, even if I'm not THERE!
And now some quotes from the great CS Lewis:
Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities.
Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "What! You too? I thought I was the only one!"
Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.
But boy, do I appreciate you guys. Some of my friends read this blog and some don't. Some of you who read my blog are friends and some aren't.
I went through a super-rough time on Wednesday night and I can't tell you how awesome it was to be able to call someone, tell him I was stressed out and have an instant comedian on my hands. It was so great to know that I had people to be there, even if they weren't able to be there physically. And yes, it would be nice to have a REAL hug from someone but sometimes that just isn't possible. I'm thankful for what I've got.
I guess there are some of you reading who don't have friends to call in case of emergency. So let me into your lives, people! I'll be there, even if I'm not THERE!
And now some quotes from the great CS Lewis:
Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities.
Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "What! You too? I thought I was the only one!"
Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.
15 October 2006
At last I am...employed!
After six weeks of job-hunting, I finally got JUST the right job. I hope. Anyway, it's a restaurant job and even though the pay's not great, it's certainly more than I'm making by job-hunting.
By the way, my boots totally got me this job. My interviewer and I bonded over shoes. I think I like shoes even more now.
By the way, my boots totally got me this job. My interviewer and I bonded over shoes. I think I like shoes even more now.
09 October 2006
I feel funny
OK, I've been thinking a lot about the good and attractive parts of me. Not that I'll be dating anyone anytime soon...I mean, these four kids are SUCH a draw, aren't they? Plus I'm not divorced yet. And there's the whole Jesus Freak thing I've got going. And the general weirdness of me (including the fact that everyone I find interesting lives very far away). Yeah, I have a feeling I may never, EVER go out on a proper date in my life. You know: dinner, show, kiss at the door. Haven't done it yet and I'm 33.
Anyway. I know I'm not the best-looking person in the world. Though my pants sizes (and pants!) are dropping like flies, I'm still in possession of more than a few spare pounds. At my estimate, I probably have 60 more to go. Maybe 55 at this point.
Besides the weight, I've got hair that just frizzes like crazy, insane red skin tone that always looks like I've been drinking or working out or something, and somehow have acne AND grey hair. If I didn't wax regularly, I'd have a moustache, a beard and bushy eyebrows. THANK GOD for professional waxing!
But I have one thing going for me that I think helps a lot: I am witty. I am funny. I make people feel good about themselves and I make them laugh. I also insist on doing atypical things like spinning around in the middle of public places whilst singing "The hilllllls are aliiiiiive with the sound of music" instead of, y'know, walking sedately along holding hands or something. I keep people on their toes! Which could well be why I've never been on a proper date. Or ever received a romantic letter. Or, really, a compliment.
Wait, I take that back. A guy I dated when I was 19 told me that I inspired him to stop sitting around on his butt and do more with his life. That's certainly a compliment, right?
Except I think he's still working in the same bowling alley since 1992. Apparently I'm not THAT inspirational. *sighs*
(edited to add)
I've realized that the bowling guy came directly before the abusive husband, and directly AFTER the guy who came out as gay right after we dated. Who, incidentally, was not long after the guy who killed himself. Do stunningly pretty girls have such issues?
Anyway. I know I'm not the best-looking person in the world. Though my pants sizes (and pants!) are dropping like flies, I'm still in possession of more than a few spare pounds. At my estimate, I probably have 60 more to go. Maybe 55 at this point.
Besides the weight, I've got hair that just frizzes like crazy, insane red skin tone that always looks like I've been drinking or working out or something, and somehow have acne AND grey hair. If I didn't wax regularly, I'd have a moustache, a beard and bushy eyebrows. THANK GOD for professional waxing!
But I have one thing going for me that I think helps a lot: I am witty. I am funny. I make people feel good about themselves and I make them laugh. I also insist on doing atypical things like spinning around in the middle of public places whilst singing "The hilllllls are aliiiiiive with the sound of music" instead of, y'know, walking sedately along holding hands or something. I keep people on their toes! Which could well be why I've never been on a proper date. Or ever received a romantic letter. Or, really, a compliment.
Wait, I take that back. A guy I dated when I was 19 told me that I inspired him to stop sitting around on his butt and do more with his life. That's certainly a compliment, right?
Except I think he's still working in the same bowling alley since 1992. Apparently I'm not THAT inspirational. *sighs*
(edited to add)
I've realized that the bowling guy came directly before the abusive husband, and directly AFTER the guy who came out as gay right after we dated. Who, incidentally, was not long after the guy who killed himself. Do stunningly pretty girls have such issues?
02 October 2006
There's a sucker born every minute
...and apparently all of them work for my insurance company.
After much effort and attempt on my part at keeping my exact address a private matter, my insurance company (WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE) decided to add me to my husband's auto insurance policy because his lawyer told them they had to. And instead of asking HIM for my address, they simply looked me up in their system, got my new address from my own insurance policy, and added me to his account.
And sent him a letter with my new contact info on it.
Nice, eh?
After much effort and attempt on my part at keeping my exact address a private matter, my insurance company (WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE) decided to add me to my husband's auto insurance policy because his lawyer told them they had to. And instead of asking HIM for my address, they simply looked me up in their system, got my new address from my own insurance policy, and added me to his account.
And sent him a letter with my new contact info on it.
Nice, eh?
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