confusion

There's about five things I need to blog but I think this is the most pressing.

Talking to my ex-husband is incredibly confusing. He is very very charming and I always leave meetings with him thinking that maybe I've done the wrong thing. Maybe everything will work out if I stay with him. He leaves me so, so dazed sometimes.

This worries me. I don't like it. I don't like being vulnerable, especially not around him.

But I guess recognizing it as a problem is a good sign, right?

The other day I was talking to him and having to explain that our daughter was yet again in the hospital (she's been in for about 3 weeks total, and is finally out! yay!) because apparently he didn't get my message. So I was explaining it and the whole thing was so awful that it's an emotionally draining experience just retelling how she ended up there.

So I was quiet and crying a little and he said, "I'm so sorry you have to go through this all alone." I told him we'd get through it somehow because there's no choice.

And then he said, "I wish this situation could be different but you chose this way and you don't want it to change no matter what I do. So you'll have to live with that knowledge for the rest of your life."

I hung up. Later a friend told me I should have said "I don't HAVE to. I GET to."

I have pondered hiring this friend as a sort of reverse Cyrano de Bergerac, someone to hide in the bushes and feed me witty replies to subtle digs.