bravery

When I set out at the beginning of this summer, there were SO MANY things I didn't ever want to do. I even had panic attacks at the thought of some of them, and swore up and down I wouldn't survive if I had to go through them. Funny how years of being told you're worthless will convince you that you can't do anything worthwhile.

Without further fanfare, I want you to know that I have:

-managed to talk to not one, not two but THREE Child Protective Services people (not counting the fourth and fifth ones on the phone). I was terrified of them. I was terrified they would take my children away. I had no reason to fear that, but I was utterly convinced.

-been able to talk to a magistrate about the abuse and get a restraining order against my husband, though it was only temporary.

-entered a courtroom where my angry husband was present, when his actions even disturbed the court guards. They actually had me hidden for a little while because he was being suspicious. And I was escorted out and walked to my car, under their watchful eyes.

-gone into another courtroom and hold a mostly-civil conversation with my husband about, of all things, Morrissey. Also managed not to deck him when he suggested we go back to the house for sex since we ARE still technically married.

-survived countless pieces of my heart being torn out with each new tale of abuse. Some of this is still going on and though I always feel like I can't take anymore, I always can.

-loved my children more than I thought I ever could. I am so proud of them!

-lived through and actually enjoyed the hellish weekend before our big separation hearing by meeting up with long-time online friends. Those of you at T-con probably didn't know my entire future was hanging in the balance the day afterwards, and you probably thought I had food poisoning or a virus like that other person. Actually I was just really really panicked! You also have to know that I don't even CALL people, even my sister, because I am so so shy about it. So going to another state to meet y'all, walking into a hotel and approaching complete strangers to ask if they were with the con...that was nothing short of a miracle! And I love you all. mwah!

(I'm not kidding about how shy I am. I really don't even call Domino's if I can avoid it, and they could care less about me. And yes, I don't call my sister because one time she mistook me for her best friend and talked to be for about 10 minutes before realizing it was me, and then there was this huge awkwardness and I felt horrible. I have issues, I tell you.)

-driven my daughter to a hospital an hour away and left her there for 10 days, because she needed and wanted help. I never thought I could do that, but it has been worth every second because SHE is so proud of herself!

-left my children in the care of other people. Besides my parents' care, they have gone to Vacation Bible Schools, churches and now public school. I used to worry about them constantly. I still worry, but I want them to be free to be who they are.

-faced life as a single mom and realized it's not as bleak as I thought. I have Jesus. I have friends around the world, some of whom pray for me regularly. This is great encouragement to me.

Lastly, I have been able to forgive. That's a biggie and deserves its own post.