enough is too much

Gah, I'm sleep-deprived and stressed-out. I feel like I can barely handle life right now. I'm sure I wouldn't feel this way if I could sleep, but I can't. So the problem is heavily compounded. I'm not going to list the bad things that are bugging me but just talk about the good. Maybe it'll help. :(

On the plus side, we went to my girls' 6th grade open house last night. The school is incredible! It's definitely limited on high-tech, modern stuff but the staff cares. You can just FEEL the desire for the kids to succeed. After spending last year in a school where my girls were discouraged from success (my daughter was given "silent lunch" for checking out a book that was "too hard" for her), our family is thrilled to be at this one. My girls sat in their homeroom, got their schedules. They were happy to find that they have the same homeroom and the same schedule. Odd, that.

I've signed up to be the homeroom mom. I figure...best way to make sure my kids are getting a good education is to BE there as much as possible. The old school discouraged me and the teachers never responded to my notes or phone calls. So viva new school! Open house for my younger two's school is tomorrow. I reallllly hope it's just as good!

Also, I went and got MY textbooks yesterday. College textbooks are a racket. $600 in textbooks for four classes. Good gracious. I'm a little nervous about this semester. I get to take my RN exam (to get into the program) for the first time next month. We'll see how that goes.

School supplies managed to be $120 total for all four kids and that included socks and shoes. Clothes were another matter but thankfully grandparents were helpful with that. I still need to get myself a binder or what have you, but I'm waiting til my first classes.

Oh, and...

High School Musical 2 is on tonight. My kids have been talking about this for a MONTH! I will be so glad to have it over, except I know Disney will air it 10000 times and I'll suffer through it at least 10% of those times.

Two, two, two posts in one! (night)

I have a myspace account. I don't blog there but I do the general myspace stuff, which means I read the same five bulletins that circulate, look at people's pics and sometimes get a lolcat. As happens on myspace, a friend from middle school found me and messaged me. She moved up to a city about 2-3 hours away and she was lonely so we got to talking. She asked for my phone number. I gave it, but explained it's very hard for me to talk unless it's late. She called a couple of times but didn't want me calling back late, and life got busy and hectic and I never called back. That was back in the winter.

Last week I got a message from her asking why I never called her back. I responded apologetically saying my life was very crazy but if she'd give me HER number, I would call and explain. She didn't respond. So I was reading her myspace blog and saw that she was very lonely (she blogged about adjusting to life in the new city. Being a FL transplant too, I really understand) and I knew she'd been on. I sent her the following message:

Well, I responded to your message and asked for your phone number and I know you've been on myspace since then so...oh well!

I've had a daughter in and out of the hospital, roughly 1 1/2 hours away. She had a good few months but this was her sixth hospitalization in a year (most of them last roughly 10 days-2 weeks).

Factor in doctors/therapists appts. for four children, plus their school (including summer school) plus my school (going to nursing school), PLUS DSS things PLUS freakin grocery shopping, cleaning, activities and attempts to make money. Oh yes, and the endless drama with my abusive ex-husband who periodically decides to get stalker-ish. I've not had time to BREATHE, let alone make a phone call.

If you're all pissy because I don't return calls, I'm sorry. I asked for your phone # to try to talk but you didn't reply. I'm willing to try to be your friend but if it's going to take huge amounts of effort, I'm not going to waste energy I just flat-out don't have. You have to be patient with me - I'm barely surviving.

If, however, you didn't message me back because YOU didn't have the time, that's fine. :)

Apparently that was just too bitchy of a message because she immediately removed me from her friends list, turned her profile to private and went "away" as soon as I IM'ed her. Most of me laughs at that (how shallow!) but part of me is SUCH a fix-it that I want to MAKE her like me!

I'm messed up.

I've heard them said a hundred times (maybe less, maybe more)

I've realized there are some things I say all the time.

Dude: as in, "Dude, I can't believe you just said that."

Well: as in, "Well, I was thinking about..." (I start almost every sentence with this in Threshold. And RL.)

Like: as in "That's, like, an awful lot of 'well'."

There are some things that I say that I wish I DIDn't say.

Reckon: as in, "You reckon they're going to do that?"

Fixin: as in, "I'm fixin to go to school now."

A little happy moment

I know I've posted before about grabbing onto those little one-second moments in life and enjoying them. This video makes me happy. :)

little piddly problems

So I'm supposed to start school soon, as are the kids.
We have one HUGE problem.
There is one day of the week where I can't pick them up!
I'll be in class from 2:15-9:15 at night!

No idea what I'm going to do.

What do you say?

What do you say when someone you know has been struck by the worst of tragedies?
What words are ever appropriate when no human should know the suffering of that person?

God knows, yes.

But no person should have to know.

You know in the book of Job, Job's friends came and sat with him for seven days and seven nights and never said anything.

I don't even think seven years would be long enough.

Pray for this family I (and some of you) know. They've lost a child in a horrible accident. And it WAS an accident.

I hate being right

So I have a "friend with complications." This is like "friends with benefits" except without the fun and with all the heartbreak. Yay. He started dating a girl last month. The first words out of his mouth when I asked about her were "oh, I don't think it's gonna work out with her." I knew flat-out this was a lie, even if he didn't. So here's last night's conversation:

me: I can always tell if you've had a few drinks.
him: I haven't had any in a lonnng time! I had food, too!
me: oh, you were on a date?
him: It wasn't a date! It was an eating establishment!
me: was there a girl?
him: (pause)...yes.
me: same girl from last month?
him: (pause)...yes
me: Dude, you were on a date with you girlfriend.
him: She's not my girlfriend! We've had that conversation. She's not my girlfriend until *insert random time here*
me: She's already your girlfriend in the back of her head. That's why you HAD that conversation.

Hey Funsize, if you're reading...I bet you'll be living with her when you have to move. Because you ARE predictable. :)

And yeah, you may have broken my heart but I still have a sense of humor. This post was for fun.

Funny, it's inside-out

It used to be that I was incredibly confident online, and very quiet and meek IRL.

Now I am incredibly confident in the real world (just ask anyone who's worked with or attended classes with me) but very very shy online and/or when I'm around people I know from online.

something must have gone RIGHT

I just received a phone call I've been waiting for...

My children have been accepted into a GREAT school with a wait-list a mile long!

I am THRILLED and may have even shouted a "woohoo!"

yay.

Sister blog

Starting a sister blog to this one over at (wait for it...) devouthypocrite.blogspot.com. Yes, it's almost the exact same URL as this...just without the hyphen. Go me. Anyway, check it out if you're interested in matters of faith. Or if you just want to watch me fall flat on my face into hypocrisy some more. ;)

Please, please stand up and defend me

WARNING: There be bad words ahead! Arrrr!

So I was talking about how the social workers want me to do more and more, jump through more hoops. This ensued, and it makes me laugh.

. me: I have gone above and beyond what anyone would do in my situation, and they're picking on ME, when there are real kids in need of help right now
. friend: yeah
. friend: you're a wonderful mom
. friend: I wish I could write you a note
. friend: Dear Assholes
. friend: She's a wonderful mom
. friend: Fuck off
. friend: Sincerely,
. friend: (name of friend)
. friend: would that help?
. friend: we could get it up as a petition
. friend: I like it
. friend: short
. friend: succinct
. friend: hardly any words in there they don't know

you can find anything on youtube

So I had that Steve Taylor Hero song in my head, did a little search on youtube and blamo! there it is, with some sort of montage of footage from the show Heroes. Can't say the montage is stunning but at least now you can all hum Hero with me.

Hero

no words for the title

The Bear was told by Social Services that he needed to get into counseling with the kids' counselors so he could learn what was/was not appropriate during contact. He has been told this for a year but has done nothing. Social Services gave him an ultimatum and he decided he will have no further contact with our children.

I knew this was coming. It still sucks.

How can he give up on his own children?

Peanut is crushed, absolutely crushed. I want to just hold him and cry for days. My heart breaks for this little boy whose Daddy has chosen not to be Daddy anymore.

Oh, I hope he finds his heavenly daddy, and that he will be provided some earthly men to step in and fill the empty shoes. For some reason, I have Steve Taylor's Hero in my head. God, let my little boy find a real hero.

Jesus made me so Jesus save me from pity, sympathy and people discussing me

So I know my own moniker points at the faith aspect of my life, and I know I've posted plenty in the past about Jesus. I also know I haven't blogged a whole lot about it in the past few months. I guess I feel I should offer an explanation.

I don't know where I stand with God.

I still fully and completely believe in Him, and pray every day, thanking Him for everything I've been given. I pray for my children, they pray for me. I sing scripture over them almost every night.

But I don't go to church. I stopped about six weeks ago.

Church has become a place of isolation and misery. Everywhere I look, it is family after family. Husbands, wives, children. We do NOT fit that mold. No, we are the broken family. We are the ones who "failed". Nevermind that it was The Bear who failed. It is the children and I who pay for it, if we wish to remain in the community of believers. The church loves to tell us about fathers who love their children (as a model of the Heavenly Father), which hurts my children because they are fatherless.

That Guy and I were discussing it the other day, how unwelcome we feel in the Christian community. How both of us have been told by numerous pastors that we must forever wait, bound by our marriage oaths, for our spouses to return. They never address the question I know we've both posed: What are we supposed to do if our spouses have remarried?

And in my case, I am bearing burdens I can't bear much longer by myself. Are they telling me then that because The Bear broke his promise to us, I and my children must suffer alone? That to find someone else would be sinful? Yes, I know that God will never give us more than we can bear. I have heard this time and time again. I also keep coming back (yep, you knew it was coming) to a Morrissey song:

Why did you give me so much desire
When there is nowhere I can go to offload this desire?
And why did you give me so much love in a loveless world
When there is no one I can turn to
To unlock all this love?
And why did you stick me in self deprecating bones and skin?
Jesus, do you hate me?

Besides minions...

I need a rheostat for my children.

Thanks to Clare for the suggestion.

Also, I have learned that if you are already an anxious person, going through chapters on infectious diseases in your nursing book will make you never, EVER want to go anywhere, touch anyone, or eat anything ever ever again.

I need a rheostat for my anxiety as well!

it's the nights that get ya

I am usually too busy to be lonely.

Nighttime is hard. When all the kids are asleep and it's just me and I can't sleep, it is lonely.

My Thresh character is isolated and lonely, so Threshing doesn't help. I sign on and off again, because I can't bear it.

My best friend is...isolated...from me due to my own girly stupidity. I see him on AIM and I can't even IM him because I am afraid I will be a nuisance to him.

My other friends are keeping hours opposite ofmine.

I message people on myspace, send emails. I check my inboxes and they are empty.

My 11 year old daughter, Bean, asked me today, "Mommy, are you lonely?"

I wasn't at the time but I am now. I am most nights.

i'm so going to have a t-shirt

I'm exhausted. My friend Clare was also exhausted the other day. We decided we needed a full staff to help us. Suddenly Clare popped out with, "I need minions. Where are my minions, dammit?"

I have decided that second part needs to go on a t-shirt (perhaps with a subtitute for "dammit").

At this point in time I'd settle for minion, singular.

Favorite Morrissey song at the moment says:

With the world's fate resting on your shoulder
You're gonna need someone on your side
You can't do it by yourself any longer
You're gonna need someone on your side

Someone kindly told me that you'd wasted
Eight of nine lives
Oh, give yourself a break before you break down
You're gonna need someone on your side

And here I am!
And here I am!
Well, you don't need to look so pleased

Day or night, there is no difference
You're gonna need someone on your side
Day or night, there is no difference
You're gonna need someone soon

And here I am!
And here I am!
Well, you don't need to look so pleased!

All I can say is that person better show up soon because I am barely hanging on. Oh, and here's an anecdote: My exhusband decided to tell me how he's praying for me, because he feels so bad for me. I told him, "OK, if you're praying, pray God would bring a man to be a REAL father and husband to this family."

Cold? perhaps. True? definitely.

Games, games, fatal games

...they can play hideous tricks on the brain.

Dear Threshers,

My character is not me.
I am not my character.

There are similarities but we are not identical.

Sometimes she does stuff -I- know is stupid...like attacking a character that easily has six levels on her...with no weapons or armor. Did I know she was going to die? Yep! Did it matter? Nope.

So yeah...if my character ticks you off, deal with HER. Not me.

Thank you,
Jo

Life moves pretty fast

(say the rest of it with me, people)

...If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

Stuff's happening in my life that is OVERWHELMINGLY stressful.

I'm going to sound oddly upbeat and optimistic but...

well, you gotta find those one or two second moments when everything is JUST right. Drink 'em in. Let those moments get you through all the crappy ones.

Really, I just keep holding onto one from a few weeks ago when we were outside and it was hot...but for about two or three seconds, the trees seemed so vivid green and a cool breeze was blowing across my face.

I'm hoping for another one of those soon!

Traffic jam fun

So I was sitting in traffic on my way home from Atlanta yesterday. I moved a total of 2 miles in 2 hours...and I started pondering life in my usual way. The traffic made me think of REM's Everybody Hurts video. Then, to not have that song stuck in my head, I turned on some bluegrass.

I like bluegrass music a lot. I find there's a tremendous amount of musical talent there, plus I adore the idea that you can't ever have too many people in a bluegrass band. So, like, there's no need to have a lead guitarist. You can have 50 banjo players in a bluegrass band and no one cares - it's that much better. I also find a lot of the lyrics clever, though sometimes they are trite.

I'm sitting there listening to the radio and I run across a gem of a song called Jesus and Bartenders (which has, apparently, since been recorded by many people). It had me giggling at its lyrics, which tell about how Jesus and bartenders hear everything about a man's despair and secrets. I actually laughed out loud at this one:

One man offers comfort from the cross
The other only Comfort on the rocks.

Bahahaha.

And in other news, I've managed to stop being an absolute broken-hearted idiot. For those of you mad at my friend, you didn't really need to be. I was processing a lot of emotions - not just his rejection but also that of my husband, and the divorce and ALL of that. I've even managed to talk to my friend twice on the phone and NOT cry (and actually have some laughs) so I suppose I'm going to be fine.

I will, however, miss him if he gets all serious with a girl. She will not want him calling his female friend to shoot the breeze.

I will also miss his smooches. :( *shakes a fist*