it's the nights that get ya

I am usually too busy to be lonely.

Nighttime is hard. When all the kids are asleep and it's just me and I can't sleep, it is lonely.

My Thresh character is isolated and lonely, so Threshing doesn't help. I sign on and off again, because I can't bear it.

My best friend is...isolated...from me due to my own girly stupidity. I see him on AIM and I can't even IM him because I am afraid I will be a nuisance to him.

My other friends are keeping hours opposite ofmine.

I message people on myspace, send emails. I check my inboxes and they are empty.

My 11 year old daughter, Bean, asked me today, "Mommy, are you lonely?"

I wasn't at the time but I am now. I am most nights.

i'm so going to have a t-shirt

I'm exhausted. My friend Clare was also exhausted the other day. We decided we needed a full staff to help us. Suddenly Clare popped out with, "I need minions. Where are my minions, dammit?"

I have decided that second part needs to go on a t-shirt (perhaps with a subtitute for "dammit").

At this point in time I'd settle for minion, singular.

Favorite Morrissey song at the moment says:

With the world's fate resting on your shoulder
You're gonna need someone on your side
You can't do it by yourself any longer
You're gonna need someone on your side

Someone kindly told me that you'd wasted
Eight of nine lives
Oh, give yourself a break before you break down
You're gonna need someone on your side

And here I am!
And here I am!
Well, you don't need to look so pleased

Day or night, there is no difference
You're gonna need someone on your side
Day or night, there is no difference
You're gonna need someone soon

And here I am!
And here I am!
Well, you don't need to look so pleased!

All I can say is that person better show up soon because I am barely hanging on. Oh, and here's an anecdote: My exhusband decided to tell me how he's praying for me, because he feels so bad for me. I told him, "OK, if you're praying, pray God would bring a man to be a REAL father and husband to this family."

Cold? perhaps. True? definitely.

Games, games, fatal games

...they can play hideous tricks on the brain.

Dear Threshers,

My character is not me.
I am not my character.

There are similarities but we are not identical.

Sometimes she does stuff -I- know is stupid...like attacking a character that easily has six levels on her...with no weapons or armor. Did I know she was going to die? Yep! Did it matter? Nope.

So yeah...if my character ticks you off, deal with HER. Not me.

Thank you,
Jo

Life moves pretty fast

(say the rest of it with me, people)

...If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

Stuff's happening in my life that is OVERWHELMINGLY stressful.

I'm going to sound oddly upbeat and optimistic but...

well, you gotta find those one or two second moments when everything is JUST right. Drink 'em in. Let those moments get you through all the crappy ones.

Really, I just keep holding onto one from a few weeks ago when we were outside and it was hot...but for about two or three seconds, the trees seemed so vivid green and a cool breeze was blowing across my face.

I'm hoping for another one of those soon!

Traffic jam fun

So I was sitting in traffic on my way home from Atlanta yesterday. I moved a total of 2 miles in 2 hours...and I started pondering life in my usual way. The traffic made me think of REM's Everybody Hurts video. Then, to not have that song stuck in my head, I turned on some bluegrass.

I like bluegrass music a lot. I find there's a tremendous amount of musical talent there, plus I adore the idea that you can't ever have too many people in a bluegrass band. So, like, there's no need to have a lead guitarist. You can have 50 banjo players in a bluegrass band and no one cares - it's that much better. I also find a lot of the lyrics clever, though sometimes they are trite.

I'm sitting there listening to the radio and I run across a gem of a song called Jesus and Bartenders (which has, apparently, since been recorded by many people). It had me giggling at its lyrics, which tell about how Jesus and bartenders hear everything about a man's despair and secrets. I actually laughed out loud at this one:

One man offers comfort from the cross
The other only Comfort on the rocks.

Bahahaha.

And in other news, I've managed to stop being an absolute broken-hearted idiot. For those of you mad at my friend, you didn't really need to be. I was processing a lot of emotions - not just his rejection but also that of my husband, and the divorce and ALL of that. I've even managed to talk to my friend twice on the phone and NOT cry (and actually have some laughs) so I suppose I'm going to be fine.

I will, however, miss him if he gets all serious with a girl. She will not want him calling his female friend to shoot the breeze.

I will also miss his smooches. :( *shakes a fist*

text messaging - so efficient!

Texting is a fun way to carry on a conversation when one or both parties are out and about.
When the messenging works correctly, anyway. This is what happened last night:

1:04 am: text from me to friend

1:45 am: friend and I have 1+ hour long conversation on phone.

5:06 am: reply text from friend

So here's the three scenarios:

a) friend got message 1ish and replied 1ish but Ididn't get the reply til 5ish. VERY LIKELY.

b) friend got message 1ish but was weird and didn't reply til 5ish because friend is weird. NOTSOLIKELY.

c) friend got message 5ish, thought "wtf is wrong with her?" and then replied.
*Based upon the very boring and non-pissy reply, I'm saying this one is NOTLIKELY.

It's a good thing thing I wasn't some little emo girl. That would play out this way:

"If you don't text me back in the next 5 minutes, I know you hate me and I'm going to go slit my wrists."

oops.

I have a love/hate relationship with the world

I hate alarm clocks.
I hate having things I -have- to do.
I hate that my neighbor is a pain in my butt (post forthcoming).
I hate that I have no $$, and my child support doesn't cover my bills.

I like my dog.
I like having sacred, sweet free time...even if I'm supposed to be doing something else.
I like that my house is pretty and has a cute yard.
I like that churches around here run VBS (Vacation Bible School) and feed my kids and give them fun things to do.

I hate that all VBS's are at night.
And all are run by Baptist churches.
Who seemingly hate divorced people.

But they like my kids and they have giant inflatable things for the kids to jump on.
And they are not 'preachy' during VBS.

I like altar calls. I hope they have an altar call tonight.
I like altar calls because they are so cheesy and Baptist that they make me laugh.

I like my kids because my kids hate cheesiness.
I especially like Bean because she got into trouble for laughing in church at VBS the other night.
She was laughing when the teacher overdramatically said "and how does Go-hawd..." something.
I like my son's red mohawk.
I hate that some kids were calling him a chicken.

Geeks R Us

I have a new school folder.

It's pink and says I <3 nerds.

My son is a nerd. The other day we were walking through a parking lot and passed a blueish silvery car. Peanut turned to Punkin and said...

"Look! A Mithril car!'

Just last week he told me that he could handle helping me with something because "I have 18 strength."

Um, I heard those same EXACT words from someone when we were in Pasadena, under completely different circumstances. That person is also a nerd.

I really need to start a "you might be a geek..." type comedy routine ala Jeff Foxworthy. Except with TPS report jokes instead of TP jokes.

Pertinent yet Hurtful

Two things were said at school yesterday that I identified with.

The first one was a punch in the gut, when an instructor was discussing values.

::cue black preacher voice:: (he has one)

When a man abuses his wife and children, he doesn't value them. They hold no value to him.

The second one was a joke, kinda funny, but I think it sort of rings true for me.

What do fat chicks and mopeds have in common?

They're both fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to see you with them.

now that's class!

Ok, so one of the joys of going to the local community college is meeting the local community types. I regularly speak with another 30 something single mom, a 25 year old guy, another sorta quiet guy in his 20s (I kept pestering him til he talked and now he's coming out of his shell with others)
, a recovering alcoholic/social worker-wannabe guy who ain't from around here, a 19 year old Baptist girl who SO reminds me of young me -- all attitude, but wanting so much to be "good." I also daily speak with a 50 year old woman who JUST graduated from high school the day before college started (she dropped out in 8th grade to work in the mills).

So this woman. You've got to imagine her. 50, smoker for probably 35 of those years, been married three times, has raised her kids and kids who weren't hers. Has one son in the mental health hospital, another in prison. Got a good mental image?

*By the way, I adore this woman. I have nothing but profound admiration for her, for doing this so late in life, for wanting MORE than most people in her situation have resigned themselves to.

A few days ago, I was eating lunch with her when she began to tell me about her daughter in law. "Oh, she's high-class," she reported. "Her parents are both schoolteachers." I had to chuckle at the idea that schoolteachers are high-class! But it was the next comment that nearly made me spit iced tea out of my nose.

"All I'm tryin to say is that she's a higher class than you or me is"

How do you reply to this? On the one hand, I was greatly amused because I am decidedly NOT in this woman's class if you were to care about such things. On the other, I am flattered because it means I have become someone to whom different types of people can relate.

Unlove?

So can people choose to UNlove someone?

Closely related to the question of "falling out of love", I suppose. But I think "being in love" and loving someone are two very different things. I think love is a choice...but it's a heavily influenced choice.

It's all on me

So you know, I'm pretty drained. Punkin's been sick since Saturday night, which means I basically have slept 16 hours (including todays 2 1/2 hour nap) since then. I flunked a chemistry quiz this morning even though I knew the information because I was too tired to concentrate.

But that's not today's topic! I am going to rant! There will even be one or two bad words!

For all you "Christians" (and I use quotes there because, yeah, some of you are the real deal but I'm not talking to you) who told me I shouldn't divorce my husband...or those who said let the divorce proceed but I need to sit around FOREVER and never date or remarry because my husband might come to his senses, get help and get better and then come back....

I think the fucker's remarried.

He told his family he was marrying this other chick the day after he divorced me. I, of course, thought it was bunk. But, um, my dad overheard him talking to his attorney while we were waiting to be divorced.

He canceled his visit with the kids last Sunday which now seems suddenly so crystal clear. Perhaps he was honeymooning?

Yes, I'm angry. Yes, I'm hurt. No, I don't want him back. I don't want a THING to do with him.

But sheesh, could he have let the corpse of the marriage cool a little?

quick update

divorce happened last week.

was NOT as hard as I thought it was going to be.

Peanut's first words upon hearing about the divorce: Yay! Can I have a stepdad?

:( I had to explain I wasn't just going to run right out and find one.

My position is that I am going to finish nursing school and concentrate on raising my kids. If anything happens, it happens. I'm not going out in search of it.

Any man who would get involved with us is insane. And masochistic.

More later.

twas the night before d-day

Tomorrow is the funeral for what died a year ago.
I didn't just lose my husband (the part I'm GLAD I lost). I lost my dreams, my home, my things, my way of life, my friends.
Tomorrow's the day I finally say goodbye forever.

I'm raw today, through and through.

I wish people would put themselves in my shoes and really understand.

And I'm sick of being strong for everyone else, and I want to be able to fall apart. I think I've earned the right.

the long dark weekend of the soul

Saturday is June 2nd, exactly one year since we left our lives.

Tuesday is June 5th, the date of my divorce.

The emotional roller coaster has begun.

It's gonna be a long week.

Sabotage

Part 3 of "It's all in your head" is posted before this one. I just felt like blogging twice today.

I've been -trying- to lose weight for the past year. I've been down a couple of sizes only to spring back up again. And I finally figured out that I am deliberately sabotaging myself. But why?

I am afraid to be trim and fit.

I know what I was like before. But imagine this exuberant personality I've discovered hiding within me all these years. Combined with good-shape me. Really kind of a scary proposition.

If I stay fat, then I can always say to myself that if someone doesn't like me, it's because I'm fat and they're shallow. But if I lose weight, then I have to accept that someone doesn't like ME. Period. It's not their issue, it's mine.

If I stay fat, I can retreat back inside this schlubby, dumpy shell and pretend like nothing ever changed. But if I lose weight, it's acknowledgment that things ARE changing.

If I stay fat, I face a future where I remain reactive instead of proactive. I choose a lifestyle where I will eventually be putting my health into someone else's hands - doctors, nurses, other medical professionals. I will be told how to live, given the equipment and schedule to do it. But if I lose weight, I must take responsibility for my own life and body.

If I stay fat, I will be miserable but at least I know it. If I lose weight, who knows what will happen?

I need to start living.

It's all in your head part III

When we left our intrepid heroine (not heroin!), she had just instructed Bean to step out of the office....

me: How DARE you! You, as an authority figure, have just assured my daughter will NEVER come to an authority figure for help again!

Hop (with hand to chest): I'm not an authority figure! I'm her friend.

me: Her friend!? You've been in charge of her for the week, one of two adults.

Hop: Oh no. I'm a friend

Enter Grandma and Grandpa.

me: You are a pitiful excuse for a therapist. When is it acceptable for a therapist to force their own conclusions on the child? It doesn't matter what YOU think. She was groped and she was violated and you made her feelings irrelevant the second you said you thought the other child was teasing!

Hop (defensively): Our realities are formed by our feelings. I am trying to help Bean to have a more positive reality.

Grandma: No, the reality is that she was touched inappropriately and you're saying HER reality be damned.

Grandpa: What you did was the equivalent of a rape victim coming to you for help and you saying "Oh, he didn't MEAN to hurt you. He was just kidding."

me (angrily): Hop, because I would like this conversation to NOT be colored by my frustrations, I am going to step out of here and calm down.

Exit me, enter me into office where Hop's assistant is grilling my other child (Tater) about what she and her sister thought of the program, and why her sister wasn't there. She stops.

Things calmed down after that but so far this is what has happened:

We have asked, in writing, three times for the credentials of Hop and other people dealing with the kids in the program. We have also asked for an agreement between the school system and this organization and/or Hop. We have no responses, though this has been going on since February.

We have been to the school board and were yelled at by the superintendent that he has given this information to us. Yet again, we submitted a written request. Nothing. We have been to the school system office. Nothing.

The personnel director posed as the assistant superintendent at one point in time, and also created a phony web site for the organization's outreach program. He was stupid enough to put it on the school's main website. Even though he claims that the school system has NOTHING to do with the program.

We have found out Hop is a former principal, and has a Master's Degree (her own words). Yet she won't provide credentials. If she is acting in a therapeutic role, should she not have a degree in therapy? How much you wanna bet she has a Master's in Education?

We have found out this program is funded by a grant. After a LOT of looking, we found the grant. When in doubt about why our school board/system refuses to investigate, follow the money.

Hop herself said her plan was to put the kids through the program and then TRACK them through middle and high school. Sound like an outreach or a study? Conducting such studies is illegal without informed consent.

We asked both the principal AND the superintendent if other parents and/or faculty had complained or raised questions. Both said no. We have absolute assurance this is not so, from the very people who have complained.

Though my children have been removed from the program, it is still in existence. Indeed, followup "group sessions" are already happening with my children's peers.

We have had to put this on the back burner due to ANOTHER fight I'm fighting right now. But we will not let this go. There is too much hiding and scurrying around this issue for it to be legitimate. The children of our county need to be protected.

I was wrong

OK, I'll post the continuation of "It's all in your head" soon but I have to say...

To all of the people over the years who have loved Rush and I told you how lame you are and how awful they are...

I'M SORRY

I was wrong. I suck. Rush is really good.

The end.

It's all in your head part II

We left off at the alarming revelation that all children involved in the outreach program were told not to tell their parents anything that happened at the center. This was confirmed with two other families besides mine, for a total of five children all saying the same thing. They also confirmed the horse stuff, too.

The next day, I left the now-distressed (because of groping) Bean at my parents' home so I could go talk to the principal before bringing her to school, and to prevent her from having to see the groper. I went first to Bean's teacher to tell her that she would be attending class instead of going to the program. The teacher pulled me aside. "PLEASE file a complaint with the principal. I and a few other teachers have noticed that the children come back more violent than any students we've ever seen before, and we've spoken to her about it."

I proceeded to the office where I told the principal Bean would be attending school that day, and why. With eyebrows raised, she invited me to speak with the head of the program. We all gathered in a back office and I explained what had occurred. "Did tell you she didn't want to attend the program anymore or was that something YOU decided?" I said Bean did. "Well, children should learn how to handle these things themSELVES. Unless you want to keep them in a bubble or by your side until they're 18, they will have to learn this." That ticked me off - my child is in 5th grade and she handled it exactly the way I would expect. She got into a situation where she knew she wouldn't get any help from the adults there, so she came to ME. Her mother. That's what I am there for - an advocate for my children.

The head of program (here on out, I'll call her Hop) requested a meeting with my daughter at 2:30 that day. Meanwhile, my father contacted the school board and requested the credentials of Hop, and a copy of the agreement between Hop's organization and the schools. I also contacted my daughter's therapist and asked that she attend the 2:30 meeting.

2:30 rolled around and I, both my parents and the therapist showed up. Immediately, the other side (principal and Hop) realized they were outnumbered and said that we'd better not overwhelm Bean with adults. So Hop, Bean and I shuffled ourselves off into the back office to talk.

Bean began her tale and was repeatedly interrupted by Hop. At one point Hop responded, "If he REALLY did this, why did you sit near him?" and Bean replied that he kept following her. "Oh, he most certainly did not!" was the answer. Then Hop asked, "Do you think he was teasing or being cruel when he did that?" I wanted to stand up and shout "WTF does that matter?" but I let Bean answer that she thought he was being cruel.

That's when the conversation took a turn for the even-worse. Hop stared my daughter in the face. This woman, acting as a therapist for my child during the week, stared at Bean and said, "Oh, we all know how he was teasing. -I- think he was teasing."

At which point I shut her up, looked at my daughter and quietly asked her to leave the room.

More about our fight tomorrow.

To Do

This was inspired after a visit to yet another evangelical church that's just way too full of itself. I left and went out to the car and the only piece of paper I could write on was labeled "to do." Enjoy.

To Do
Find God outside the trappings of human emotions
Beyond the high-tech, high-energy dance of the modern, Western church
Past the manipulative music that plays when we pray
and the tissue-wielding, teary woman who champions causes like she's Miss America
(you don't need a committee and classes to change the world - just do it one bit at a time)

So where IS Jesus in all of this?
Did He even get invited to this big party we have in His name?
Did He attend the show - the huge production - put on in His honor?

Somehow, I think I hear Him in the church when nearly everyione is gone
when the lights are dimmed and the stage is empty
and distant footsteps echo in the halls

When those who are unwelcome and underdressed can sneak in
and speak a simply beauty

To Do
Do justly, love mercy and walk humbly with God (Micah 6:8)