Life is like a box of chocolates (outdated, for 99 cents)

I have a very ungirly confession to make: I hate shopping.

Yep, I said it. I hate to shop.

That said, I have been shopping lately as I look for things for our new place. And I started thinking about how people's existences are a lot like shopping.

First and foremost, you've got the people with Mall lives. They have it all: the perfect hair, the perfect children, the perfect house, the perfect vacation. You name it, they've got it. They have a little bit of everything tasteful, just like the mall and all the un-tasteful stuff is hidden away in the secret passageways of their hearts, and so few are allowed in. Their pace of life is usually unhurried but never slow. But just like the mall, all of this comes at a high price. Usually no one has any time to spend with one another because they're too busy making sure everything is just right.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, you've got your Wal-Mart people. Loud, obnoxious and keeping their toilet habits next to their dining room tables (much like Wal-Mart), these folks live busy lives too. The difference is that they feel like they have to have a little bit of everything, but everything is cheaper. So they do everything in excess but it means so little.

My life is neither. My life, if you have to know, is somewhere between a thrift store and a "scratch and dent" (closeout) store. There are some real wonderful treasures in it, but you have to dig through the piles of crap to find them. Pass the 50 year old broken sewing machine and the industrial sized tubs of mayo, there's a beautiful work of art and a $10 box of organic cookies for $1.25.

Ideally, I'd like to have a Target life. It's about as pretty and nice as the mall but doesn't take as much work. It's almost as easy as the Wal-Mart life but there's just a slightly better quality to it. And sometimes you'll find a really great deal at Target.

But back to thrift stores, I want to know who buys framed photos of some lady and her baby circa 1980? Or used greeting cards? I mean, I can understand maybe buying a broken cellphone because you've got the parts to fix it or it's got the parts you need.

And scratch and dents...Today I could've bought a Boston Red Sox shirt for $3, a bottle of outdated salad dressing or a dented box of condoms. Condoms in a damaged-goods store? Yes, you're right. Good thing there's pregnancy tests next to them. Damaged pregnancy tests.

Huh

I thought my heart was long gone, so imagine my surprise when I found it on my sleeve.

It's weird watching your entire life be packed up into four rubbermaid bins and a duffel bag and driven off in the back of a pickup.

That's all we have to offer this world.

Or is it all the world has to offer us?

Heavy stuff today.

There have always been wounds within me. Even as a child, there was a standoffishness, an inability to let people really KNOW me. Now that I'm older, I wonder if that was really my problem or everyone else's. I always thought I was the issue but I'm starting to think everyone else is too self-absorbed.

Now there are deep, deep scars from years and years of abuse. I bear no physical reminders but I carry a sadness that is mine alone to bear. There is an emptiness in me, a void that I'm not sure can even be reached, let alone filled.

People try to tell me that I'll meet a man who will truly love and appreciate me. I just want someone who understands me. I've lived without love and appreciation for a decade. Just give me someone who understands.

...though I will always hope to be loved.

Someone shut my brain up.

I overthink everything. I want to understand everything but then I'm not happy when I do. It's messed up. I'm messed up. Here I go again. I'm now thinking about how messed up I am and why I overthink everything and now I think my brain's going to explode.

If you should ever find yourself needing something from the government, I can offer the following tips:

-Always show up on time for your appointment. You will have to wait three hours regardless, but at least you won't wait three hours only to be told, "You were late. You'll have to reschedule your appointment."

-Be polite. Everyone else will be rude to you and act like you owe them something. However, yelling at government employees is exactly what they want and they will heave you out of the office if you do it. Be prepared for lots of opposition, because they will attempt to provoke you.

-Have all of your paperwork ready. You will have 20 more pages to fill out, in triplicate. Some of this can be eliminated by simply handing your things over and telling the person you can't read or write.

-Feign stupidity. Stupid people get pity. Smart people get attitude. So smart people should be smart enough to play stupid.

Into the murky green
Into the middle
Darkness below which tantalizes and beckons,
Waving arms as if to say
Come play

Into the hazy hue
Into the center
Sunshine above which calls to me
Rays of light which fall
over all

But I find my solace
Where no one can see me
and no one can reach me
and nothing exists except me
here in the middle
of the lake.