Devout Hypocrite

Identity

2011-05-07T09:47:00.000-04:00

I hide behind my weight my hair in my face my scatter-brained wayI put up my walls in silly physical form. I say I don't care what you think of me but I cringe when I make a joke and you don't laugh there are awkward pauses in our conversation my voice carries a little too loudly I don't look just so I am told I am perceived as confident and smart but Inside I am

Vegetize me!

2011-03-18T21:38:00.000-04:00

So most everyone's heard of the movie Super Size Me, where the guy eats nothing but McDonalds and chronicles his health's downward turn. I'm about to embark on the opposite journey, abandoning the American junk food diet and hoping my health improves. The rules for Vegetize Me are as follows: 1. Each meal or snack should contain at least one serving of a fruit or vegetable besides corn or

It gets better, but not if you're straight

2011-02-09T16:39:00.000-05:00

Before anyone gets upset, I am NOT downplaying the work at The Trevor Project which has a MASSIVE anti-suicide campaign aimed at gay youth. I believe with all my heart that each human life is priceless to God, regardless of sexual orientation. So now that that's said... My 12-year-old son is getting bullied a lot. His guidance counselor has put an end to the physical bullying, such as pushing,

A cup of coffee is good for the soul

2011-02-04T22:25:00.000-05:00

If you've ever gone through a fellowship drought, then you know how you get so thirsty for community that eventually it becomes an undefined emotional ache that just nibbles at your subconscious every now and again. Or maybe that's just me. ANYway... I have gone years without true, voluntary, no-pressure fellowship. Sure, I've attended choir practices and church suppers (where I usually ended up

Let Heaven and Nature Sing, Especially Nature.

2011-02-03T09:21:00.001-05:00

I went through a pagan phase as a mid-teen, in those pre-Twilight, post-Anne Rice vampire days, except I wasn't a Goth like the other people I knew who were pagan. I didn't do it for the spells or The Craft or to make people like me. I did it because of the woods and the music. When I think "pagan," my mind conjures (ha!) up images of dancing outside to Celtic music, and giving people names

Why is death so difficult?

2011-02-01T02:03:00.001-05:00

I know the title of the post probably prompts a few people to scoff, "DUH! Because death sucks!" in slightly better terms. I guess I should preface that I know death sucks, but I am one of those rare, weird people that wants to work for Hospice and deal with death regularly. I think that in itself is a calling and does not make me better or worse than you, just called to a specific area you are

What will YOU be like when you get old and senile?

2009-04-22T20:30:00.002-04:00

I've been busting my tail at a long-term care facility, so I've encountered some absolutely funny situations. One thing that gets me is that when old people start losing their minds, they talk about events that happened yeaaaaars ago. That got me to thinking. What will -I- talk about? I hope to God I am not one of those women who flashes residents for bingo cards or something unless I've had

Christian dating websites...why?!

2009-04-01T00:55:00.000-04:00

I was just over on Facebook, being all facebooky, when off to the left of whatever I was doing was an ad for "Christian Mingle," a dating website for Christians. I'm curious so I went and looked. Mind you, my children told me the other day, "You should go on eharmony.com and find a husband." But really, I'm kinda anti-dating website for a variety of reasons. First off, a non-Christian friend of

What to do when bad things happen?

2009-03-09T23:34:00.001-04:00

Tater is going through a lot. I found a journal of hers (she gave me permission to read her journals) and it is basically a very angry letter to God spelling out very specific incidents she remembers and asking why He let them happen. I can't blame her. I also recently watched a video blog made by a dad who'd recently lost his 10 year old son to a rare cancer. He wanted to know why God let that

The Things That Matter

2009-03-07T12:52:00.001-05:00

So now that I've had time to digest it, I'll post it. My Tater tried to kill herself the other day, and almost succeeded. When I heard the news, everything else faded away except the thoughts of "God, I wish I'd..." and the overwhelming urge to storm the facility where she is, bust down the doors and just hold my child. We get so caught up in life and in ourselves that we forget the basic, most

Rocking my World

2009-02-05T22:31:00.001-05:00

So my world's being rocked but I think it's a good thing, you know? Turns out Funsize has been deceiving me about a whole aspect of his life. I'm pretty sure he's ashamed of it, which is rather funny since this aspect supposedly has made him a better man. It was an answer to prayer for me to find out this information about him, and definitely put him into perspective as a completely lost

Preceptors

2009-01-30T15:58:00.001-05:00

Hey! Specific request for you praying types out there. I need you to pray that I will be satisfied with wherever I am placed at for preceptorships. Many people are offered jobs by these facilities after graduation, which is somewhat of a relief. But honestly, I don't know what kind of nurse I want to be. I can tell you some things I absolutely love: * Surgery. I love the OR! I hope someday to

I so get it now

2008-10-24T18:43:00.001-04:00

That old saying "If I knew then what I know now..." I get it. If I knew then that I can be a confident, popular (and dare I say it...flirtatious) person despite my weight, I would've had happier high school years and probably not just dated burnouts. If I knew that I could make people laugh myself, I wouldn't have cowered behind the "funny girl" and fed her jokes during Freshman year, watching

Good times

2008-10-13T16:36:00.001-04:00

So yeah. Life's been pretty good lately. I'm rockin the coursework in the LPN program with a solid B average (which is fine, trust me). Got a great evaluation from my clinical instructors that say I'm doing great and what I do "will take you very far." And today I finished a major paper on wound healing, and I'm finally catching up on the numerous Psychology essays that are overdue. Should be all

I'm like Maria. I have confidence!

2008-09-14T21:50:00.001-04:00

So now I've done quite a few clinicals and they're starting to not be as scary as they once were. I figured something out the other day when I was doing Recovery Room observation. See, when you go to the Recovery Room, you have to wear the hospital's sterile scrubs and their sterile footies and stuff. And suddenly, I realized that I didn't have that "LOOK AT ME! I'M A STUDENT!" uniform on, and no

One down, two to go

2008-07-25T02:25:00.001-04:00

I finished my first semester of the nursing program today. Whew, what a ride it's been! In the end we lost a total of 7 people: 1 to another program 4 after background checks 1 due to anxiety 1 due to grades. Everyone was shocked because Mr. Man had lied and said he was an A student. I ended up acing Anatomy & Physiology with an A, thank goodness. And I somehow pulled up a barely-passing grade to

Nursing School Survivor

2008-07-08T19:32:00.002-04:00

So. There's a lot of updating to be had with my account of the Nursing Program. I think I'll go ahead and do that while taking a break from Abbreviation craziness. I led a resistance against the popular girls for Class Officers. I am happy to report that not a one of them won. I'm not trying to be mean-spirited, but you can't just EXPECT to have something. As the stress in the class continues, I

The newest medical superheroes

2008-06-18T10:02:00.001-04:00

Abbreviations are a big part of the medical field, so much so that there are experts in medical terminology, and classes and whatnot. Therefore, we have several tests on abbreviations in our class. This is OK. If you can memorize things well, you've got yourself a good test grade. But what if, like me, you look at a group of letters and think of things entirely unrelated to medicine? You see "DM

Lies

2008-06-01T17:01:00.001-04:00

In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act. --George Orwell It's been two years since I left The Bear, as of yesterday. I'm still unraveling the tangle of lies that apparently existed for my entire marriage. He didn't just lie to ME, you see. He lied to everyone ABOUT me. His family and I are finally getting to know each other after 16 years. We're finally able to

Can I just write in a vote?

2008-05-29T14:26:00.002-04:00

So. Apparently we have to have class officers. I'm not really sure what they do, but apparently we need them, and the class before us HATED theirs. I can see we'll probably end up the same way. Our class was told on Day 1 that we wouldn't have to worry about it for several weeks, because we need to get to know each other and because we need to get a feel for who's going to flunk out and who

That person I hope I'll never become

2008-05-23T22:54:00.001-04:00

I have a fear of becoming an annoying person. Sometimes I get caught up in what I'm doing and I don't realize how loudly I'm speaking or maybe what I look like that day. My psychologist says I've got ADHD so this isn't really surprising that I don't notice these things, but the tendency scares me. I don't want to become like HER. There is a woman in my class whose reputation preceded her. I

Factions

2008-05-22T21:28:00.001-04:00

OK, Nursing School Survivor is starting to take shape. We have several divisions and I'm waiting to see which become the most prominent. 1. Smokers versus nonsmokers: The smokers hada social advantage from day one. They all met each other through their several trips outside, and they all socialize. The rest of us either have to go outside and stand around looking like we have a purpose for being

Nursing Program Survivor

2008-05-19T01:00:00.001-04:00

OK. First day of nursing school has come and gone. A classmate of mine and I met up on Friday night at the drive-in movie and we talked while the kids were playing (pre-movie, of course). We were reviewing our first day. One question posed to us at lunchtime was "What cliques do you think will form?" It's fairly obvious there are already some cliques. At orientation, there was a gaggle of girls

Finding...Nemo?

2008-04-30T23:20:00.002-04:00

So I got an unexpected paycheck today, which meant I could go buy the kids some t-shirts and take them out to supper. After reading a mention of the Chinese buffet in Stuff Christians Like (which, again, I am wholeheartedly recommending), I decided that's what we should eat. So we piled into the booth and began taking turns going to the buffet. My son suddenly started talking to me about the

Soundtracks

2008-04-28T08:24:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I come across the question "If you had a theme song for your life, what would it be?" and I 'm really stumped. I have to tell you that I can't imagine any song playing during a montage of parenting, errand-running and going to school. Unless it's Eye of the Tiger because that is the king of montage songs. Didn't Starbucks prove that? Anyway, I may not have a theme song, but I think

The problem with fat!

2008-04-26T15:04:00.001-04:00

The problem with being fat but not massively hugely fat is this: You still get hit on, but only by the really desperate guys. I either need to lose weight and get someone decent (Funsize or a Funsize equivalent), or gain more, start wearing circus tents and give up.

well...DUH!

2008-04-24T01:03:00.001-04:00

Punkin had a moment today. Doctor was palpating her abdomen, making sure she didn't have appendicitis. While doing that, he made small talk. Dr: So, what grade are you in? Punkin: First. Dr: Are you learning how to read. Punkin: (nodding) Uh-huh. Dr: Do you like to read books yet? Do you have any books? Punkin: I already read the Wizard of Oz. It was

Cool it now...

2008-04-22T21:50:00.001-04:00

My son's mentor picked him up today. He said he had Bobby and Ricky in the car. I wanted to know where Ronnie and Mike were. If this is obscure, go here. Ah, pre-crackhead days.

updates updates updates

2008-04-17T22:36:00.001-04:00

I got into the LPN program at my community college. My plan all along has been to get a Master's in Nursing so I can teach. However, I am starting at the very bottomest rung and I'm glad to be there! 96 people applied. 35 people got in. I was the top test-scorer! yay me! On Saturday, I had to take my Nurse Aide/CNA I exam. While most of the stuff is common sense, I had a little problem. I've

hash browns

2008-03-25T03:24:00.002-04:00

Tater has blown her placement at the school she's at. I don't know what the future has for her, but I know she'll be going someplace much more severe. I am so sad for my daughter. I wish there were a better mental health system in place. I wish we had more understanding into how the human mind works. I wish, I wish, I wish lots of things.

Mountains, molehills and me

2008-01-18T22:10:00.002-05:00

So. There's been a lot of stuff going on. And I guess maybe my perspective's out of whack because of it. I tend to get through major stresses with nary a hair out of place, but I lose my patience at the tiniest of things. I am making molehills of mountains and mountains of molehills and I realize this but I can't seem to change it. :( Tater has been placed at a residential, long-term-care

So. Good things?

2008-01-02T23:05:00.002-05:00

Since I'm so down, it's time to look at good things about this year. Tater enters a residential care facility on the 7th. That means no more being tied down to homeschooling her, even though I enjoy it. It also means I don't have to stress every second about whether or not she's OK. Because she'll be great! It also means visits with her dad will be supervised by pros. Yay. I turn 35 on the 12th

A feeling of dread (dum dum DUM)

2007-12-29T11:52:00.001-05:00

Last year was just a lot of fun. This summer til a few weeks ago, I was pretty depressed and didn't find life fun anymore. I started getting a sense of humor and adventure last month, and am doing OK. But... New Year is approaching. Tater enters residential care on January 7th. I have a birthday on January 12th. I turn 35. I did OK last year but I got to go away for the weekend and had

God bless us, every one! Even that guy over there, though he's kinda smelly!

2007-12-16T12:10:00.002-05:00

So life loves to just mess my cynical self up by giving me things to be happy about. It especially likes to do this at Christmas time which has, historically, been my least favorite time of year and also the point at which Western society's redeeming qualities are at their lowest. Really. It's ALL about buying into the Christmas image which is as real as Santa Claus. Anyway, Christmas this year

Sometimes you just gotta let it all hang out

2007-12-13T23:19:00.001-05:00

Warning: This blog is not profound in any way. It may also be stomach-turning for the squeamish (and skinny). You know how some people have a fat pouch? The thing that kinda...hangs...down at their belly? Yeah. I noticed one back in April. I couldn't figure out where it came from because I'd lost some weight. I gained weight a couple of months ago and, oddly, the pouch disappeared. I returned

updates updates updates

2007-12-13T09:56:00.001-05:00

So I haven't blogged in a while really. Here are some updates: Tater is still living in therapeutic foster care but comes home to me every day to be homeschooled. It's an interesting arrangement but really only a bandaid until a long-term placement becomes available. We are hoping to get her somewhere where she can have school, therapy and home all in one spot. Yes, it's THAT severe. The Bear

I miss the way things were last year

2007-12-12T22:50:00.000-05:00

I miss late night conversations with Funsize.Finding music in my mailbox, when i never asked for it.I miss having Tater home.I miss all the hope stretching out before us.I miss who I was last year.

I am a tree (long)

2007-10-29T21:29:00.002-04:00

I received something very neat in my email, from a friend who prayed for me and then sketched out the prayer. I kinda didn't ask permission to post it but I figure it was given to me and I'm not naming names. Plus this has really inspired me so I'm putting up the picture. The explanation is as follows (I edited the names): You are the tree. Tall and strong, but seemingly lifeless. Peanut is in

OK. So. THAT's not going to happen.

2007-10-22T22:16:00.000-04:00

I got the boot from my CNA class so that little plan about becoming a CNA? Not gonna happen anytime soon. Thank God.I missed a bunch of other classes from dealing with RL and being sick, and I was seriously pondering dropping out. Thankfully I have gone the mature route, contacted all of my instructors and am currently busting my butt to make up the work. I should still be able to pass all the

don't want to be a grownup!

2007-10-12T18:54:00.001-04:00

Life is awful right now. Really bad. Probably the worst it's been since before leaving The Bear. Tater is gone. She was hospitalized for the seventh time last week and is now in therapeutic foster care. I can't see her for 30 days. My heart breaks. Additionally, Bean is having all sorts of issues that are very serious and I fear for my little girl. I pray that with Tater gone, we can have

good vs evil

2007-09-22T21:22:00.000-04:00

Today's kind of a good vs evil day.Event-wise, it's the 9th anniversary of my girls' adoption. September 22, 1998, I walked into a courtroom and promised to be their mother forever. That's the good.Sadly, September 22, 1998 and every September 22 from 1972 until now has been The Bear's birthday. I sit here stressing out with the ever-present busy life of a mother of four and I wonder what in the

Skype rocks my socks

2007-09-20T18:15:00.000-04:00

If you aren't familiar with Skype, you really need to be. It's VoIP like Vonage but it's messenger like AIM. It is great!I haven't stopped smiling for two days now. Two nights ago, I managed to talk to my favorite person in the UK and my favorite person in Australia (see those links over there? <-----------------) at the same time. We did add in another guy from NC for part of the conversation

good news, everyone!

2007-09-17T23:23:00.000-04:00

(title said in the style of Futurama's Professor Farnsworth)It looks like I'm going to get my antidepressants back.This is very good news indeed. As anyone who's interacted with me lately can attest.Yay antidepressants/anti-anxiety meds.

and you give yourself away...

2007-09-17T12:43:00.000-04:00

I've been wallowing about in depression lately. Life isn't fair, you know? Why does The Bear get to go out and have no obligations other than financial (And even that isn't much compared with the rest of his salary) when I have so much on my plate? It's pretty darn depressing and I don't think it's fair and I should be able to just lay around in my bed and never get up!I've had a pretty good

Wish I was in Australia

2007-09-07T22:31:00.000-04:00

Ever read the children's book Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day?that has SO been my day today.It just keeps getting worse.I'm holding onto the hope that something pleasant will happen but I know it's just not gonna.Grrr.

Most people keep their brains between their legs

2007-08-28T13:23:00.000-04:00

(an amusing quote from "Such a Little Thing Makes Such a Big Difference" by Morrissey)Dear 21 year old, very cute male lab partner,You have made me feel like a dirty old woman. I can't help but notice you're good-looking. And funny. I couldn't help feeling a little smug that you chose to sit near me instead of any number of cute little things in the class (in your FACE, cute little things!). I

So far, so funny

2007-08-27T22:37:00.001-04:00

I'm not even IN nursing school yet, just in the prereq's, but so far I've had a few funny moments and I imagine it's only going to get better. The best stories involve genitalia because let's face it: People are goofy about sex and/or genitals. Story 1: Instructor is telling her students in Nurses Aide class that we should practice various skills on as many people as we can: blood pressure,

If I seem a little strange, that's because I am!

2007-08-21T21:49:00.001-04:00

So I am trying SO hard to be all conformist and fit in around here. I attended the kids' open houses wearing my best "preppy mom" clothes. I went to the first day and dutifully introduced myself to people. I suffered through an American Idol wannabe's version of The Star Spangled Banner. I've even pondered helping in the PTO. But you know what? It came time for "a moment of silent prayer" and I

unhappy birthday

2007-08-19T15:34:00.000-04:00

Friend: He showed up and gave me my birthday present. I made him stand at the door.Me: It wasn't a dick in a box, was it?That one hasn't gotten old yet. Hehehehe.Oh, and my post title? Comes from a genius song by The Smiths. (and this youtube video link is perfectly evil in a Dolores Umbridge kinda way. I love it.)

enough is too much

2007-08-17T11:32:00.000-04:00

Gah, I'm sleep-deprived and stressed-out. I feel like I can barely handle life right now. I'm sure I wouldn't feel this way if I could sleep, but I can't. So the problem is heavily compounded. I'm not going to list the bad things that are bugging me but just talk about the good. Maybe it'll help. :(On the plus side, we went to my girls' 6th grade open house last night. The school is incredible!

Two, two, two posts in one! (night)

2007-08-16T01:54:00.000-04:00

I have a myspace account. I don't blog there but I do the general myspace stuff, which means I read the same five bulletins that circulate, look at people's pics and sometimes get a lolcat. As happens on myspace, a friend from middle school found me and messaged me. She moved up to a city about 2-3 hours away and she was lonely so we got to talking. She asked for my phone number. I gave it, but

I've heard them said a hundred times (maybe less, maybe more)

2007-08-16T00:55:00.000-04:00

I've realized there are some things I say all the time.Dude: as in, "Dude, I can't believe you just said that."Well: as in, "Well, I was thinking about..." (I start almost every sentence with this in Threshold. And RL.)Like: as in "That's, like, an awful lot of 'well'."There are some things that I say that I wish I DIDn't say.Reckon: as in, "You reckon they're going to do that?"Fixin: as in, "

A little happy moment

2007-08-14T15:36:00.000-04:00

I know I've posted before about grabbing onto those little one-second moments in life and enjoying them. This video makes me happy. :)

little piddly problems

2007-08-11T23:35:00.000-04:00

So I'm supposed to start school soon, as are the kids.We have one HUGE problem.There is one day of the week where I can't pick them up!I'll be in class from 2:15-9:15 at night!No idea what I'm going to do.

What do you say?

2007-08-09T22:28:00.002-04:00

What do you say when someone you know has been struck by the worst of tragedies? What words are ever appropriate when no human should know the suffering of that person? God knows, yes. But no person should have to know. You know in the book of Job, Job's friends came and sat with him for seven days and seven nights and never said anything. I don't even think seven years would be long enough.

I hate being right

2007-08-06T07:14:00.000-04:00

So I have a "friend with complications." This is like "friends with benefits" except without the fun and with all the heartbreak. Yay. He started dating a girl last month. The first words out of his mouth when I asked about her were "oh, I don't think it's gonna work out with her." I knew flat-out this was a lie, even if he didn't. So here's last night's conversation:me: I can always tell if

Funny, it's inside-out

2007-08-04T21:49:00.000-04:00

It used to be that I was incredibly confident online, and very quiet and meek IRL.Now I am incredibly confident in the real world (just ask anyone who's worked with or attended classes with me) but very very shy online and/or when I'm around people I know from online.

something must have gone RIGHT

2007-08-02T12:45:00.000-04:00

I just received a phone call I've been waiting for...My children have been accepted into a GREAT school with a wait-list a mile long!I am THRILLED and may have even shouted a "woohoo!"yay.

Sister blog

2007-08-01T22:36:00.001-04:00

Starting a sister blog to this one over at (wait for it...) devouthypocrite.blogspot.com. Yes, it's almost the exact same URL as this...just without the hyphen. Go me. Anyway, check it out if you're interested in matters of faith. Or if you just want to watch me fall flat on my face into hypocrisy some more. ;)

Please, please stand up and defend me

2007-07-31T11:52:00.000-04:00

WARNING: There be bad words ahead! Arrrr!So I was talking about how the social workers want me to do more and more, jump through more hoops. This ensued, and it makes me laugh.. me: I have gone above and beyond what anyone would do in my situation, and they're picking on ME, when there are real kids in need of help right now. friend: yeah. friend: you're a wonderful mom. friend: I wish

you can find anything on youtube

2007-07-28T15:51:00.000-04:00

So I had that Steve Taylor Hero song in my head, did a little search on youtube and blamo! there it is, with some sort of montage of footage from the show Heroes. Can't say the montage is stunning but at least now you can all hum Hero with me.Hero

no words for the title

2007-07-27T22:13:00.000-04:00

The Bear was told by Social Services that he needed to get into counseling with the kids' counselors so he could learn what was/was not appropriate during contact. He has been told this for a year but has done nothing. Social Services gave him an ultimatum and he decided he will have no further contact with our children.I knew this was coming. It still sucks.How can he give up on his own children

Jesus made me so Jesus save me from pity, sympathy and people discussing me

2007-07-27T22:01:00.001-04:00

So I know my own moniker points at the faith aspect of my life, and I know I've posted plenty in the past about Jesus. I also know I haven't blogged a whole lot about it in the past few months. I guess I feel I should offer an explanation. I don't know where I stand with God. I still fully and completely believe in Him, and pray every day, thanking Him for everything I've been given. I pray for

Besides minions...

2007-07-25T23:36:00.000-04:00

I need a rheostat for my children.Thanks to Clare for the suggestion.Also, I have learned that if you are already an anxious person, going through chapters on infectious diseases in your nursing book will make you never, EVER want to go anywhere, touch anyone, or eat anything ever ever again.I need a rheostat for my anxiety as well!

it's the nights that get ya

2007-07-25T00:58:00.000-04:00

I am usually too busy to be lonely.Nighttime is hard. When all the kids are asleep and it's just me and I can't sleep, it is lonely.My Thresh character is isolated and lonely, so Threshing doesn't help. I sign on and off again, because I can't bear it.My best friend is...isolated...from me due to my own girly stupidity. I see him on AIM and I can't even IM him because I am afraid I will be a

i'm so going to have a t-shirt

2007-07-19T07:52:00.000-04:00

I'm exhausted. My friend Clare was also exhausted the other day. We decided we needed a full staff to help us. Suddenly Clare popped out with, "I need minions. Where are my minions, dammit?"I have decided that second part needs to go on a t-shirt (perhaps with a subtitute for "dammit").At this point in time I'd settle for minion, singular.Favorite Morrissey song at the moment says:

Games, games, fatal games

2007-07-14T17:56:00.000-04:00

...they can play hideous tricks on the brain.Dear Threshers,My character is not me.I am not my character.There are similarities but we are not identical.Sometimes she does stuff -I- know is stupid...like attacking a character that easily has six levels on her...with no weapons or armor. Did I know she was going to die? Yep! Did it matter? Nope.So yeah...if my character ticks you off, deal with

Life moves pretty fast

2007-07-14T01:20:00.001-04:00

(say the rest of it with me, people)...If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.Stuff's happening in my life that is OVERWHELMINGLY stressful.I'm going to sound oddly upbeat and optimistic but...well, you gotta find those one or two second moments when everything is JUST right. Drink 'em in. Let those moments get you through all the crappy ones.Really, I just keep

Traffic jam fun

2007-07-08T17:43:00.000-04:00

So I was sitting in traffic on my way home from Atlanta yesterday. I moved a total of 2 miles in 2 hours...and I started pondering life in my usual way. The traffic made me think of REM's Everybody Hurts video. Then, to not have that song stuck in my head, I turned on some bluegrass.I like bluegrass music a lot. I find there's a tremendous amount of musical talent there, plus I adore the idea

text messaging - so efficient!

2007-06-30T10:21:00.000-04:00

Texting is a fun way to carry on a conversation when one or both parties are out and about.When the messenging works correctly, anyway. This is what happened last night:1:04 am: text from me to friend1:45 am: friend and I have 1+ hour long conversation on phone.5:06 am: reply text from friendSo here's the three scenarios:a) friend got message 1ish and replied 1ish but Ididn't get the reply til

I have a love/hate relationship with the world

2007-06-28T16:14:00.000-04:00

I hate alarm clocks.I hate having things I -have- to do.I hate that my neighbor is a pain in my butt (post forthcoming).I hate that I have no $$, and my child support doesn't cover my bills.I like my dog.I like having sacred, sweet free time...even if I'm supposed to be doing something else.I like that my house is pretty and has a cute yard.I like that churches around here run VBS (Vacation Bible

Geeks R Us

2007-06-26T23:48:00.000-04:00

I have a new school folder.It's pink and says I <3 nerds.My son is a nerd. The other day we were walking through a parking lot and passed a blueish silvery car. Peanut turned to Punkin and said..."Look! A Mithril car!'Just last week he told me that he could handle helping me with something because "I have 18 strength."Um, I heard those same EXACT words from someone when we were in Pasadena, under

Pertinent yet Hurtful

2007-06-26T07:38:00.000-04:00

Two things were said at school yesterday that I identified with.The first one was a punch in the gut, when an instructor was discussing values.::cue black preacher voice:: (he has one)When a man abuses his wife and children, he doesn't value them. They hold no value to him.The second one was a joke, kinda funny, but I think it sort of rings true for me.What do fat chicks and mopeds have in

now that's class!

2007-06-19T20:26:00.000-04:00

Ok, so one of the joys of going to the local community college is meeting the local community types. I regularly speak with another 30 something single mom, a 25 year old guy, another sorta quiet guy in his 20s (I kept pestering him til he talked and now he's coming out of his shell with others), a recovering alcoholic/social worker-wannabe guy who ain't from around here, a 19 year old Baptist

Unlove?

2007-06-19T20:20:00.000-04:00

So can people choose to UNlove someone?Closely related to the question of "falling out of love", I suppose. But I think "being in love" and loving someone are two very different things. I think love is a choice...but it's a heavily influenced choice.

It's all on me

2007-06-14T16:04:00.000-04:00

So you know, I'm pretty drained. Punkin's been sick since Saturday night, which means I basically have slept 16 hours (including todays 2 1/2 hour nap) since then. I flunked a chemistry quiz this morning even though I knew the information because I was too tired to concentrate.But that's not today's topic! I am going to rant! There will even be one or two bad words!For all you "Christians" (and I

quick update

2007-06-11T19:36:00.000-04:00

divorce happened last week.was NOT as hard as I thought it was going to be.Peanut's first words upon hearing about the divorce: Yay! Can I have a stepdad?:( I had to explain I wasn't just going to run right out and find one.My position is that I am going to finish nursing school and concentrate on raising my kids. If anything happens, it happens. I'm not going out in search of it.Any man who

twas the night before d-day

2007-06-05T00:32:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is the funeral for what died a year ago.I didn't just lose my husband (the part I'm GLAD I lost). I lost my dreams, my home, my things, my way of life, my friends.Tomorrow's the day I finally say goodbye forever.I'm raw today, through and through.I wish people would put themselves in my shoes and really understand.And I'm sick of being strong for everyone else, and I want to be able to

the long dark weekend of the soul

2007-05-31T19:46:00.000-04:00

Saturday is June 2nd, exactly one year since we left our lives.Tuesday is June 5th, the date of my divorce.The emotional roller coaster has begun.It's gonna be a long week.

Sabotage

2007-05-16T16:19:00.000-04:00

Part 3 of "It's all in your head" is posted before this one. I just felt like blogging twice today.I've been -trying- to lose weight for the past year. I've been down a couple of sizes only to spring back up again. And I finally figured out that I am deliberately sabotaging myself. But why?I am afraid to be trim and fit.I know what I was like before. But imagine this exuberant personality I've

It's all in your head part III

2007-05-16T12:52:00.000-04:00

When we left our intrepid heroine (not heroin!), she had just instructed Bean to step out of the office....me: How DARE you! You, as an authority figure, have just assured my daughter will NEVER come to an authority figure for help again!Hop (with hand to chest): I'm not an authority figure! I'm her friend.me: Her friend!? You've been in charge of her for the week, one of two adults.Hop: Oh no.

I was wrong

2007-05-13T23:12:00.000-04:00

OK, I'll post the continuation of "It's all in your head" soon but I have to say...To all of the people over the years who have loved Rush and I told you how lame you are and how awful they are...I'M SORRYI was wrong. I suck. Rush is really good.The end.

It's all in your head part II

2007-05-08T15:40:00.000-04:00

We left off at the alarming revelation that all children involved in the outreach program were told not to tell their parents anything that happened at the center. This was confirmed with two other families besides mine, for a total of five children all saying the same thing. They also confirmed the horse stuff, too.The next day, I left the now-distressed (because of groping) Bean at my parents'

To Do

2007-05-06T20:08:00.001-04:00

This was inspired after a visit to yet another evangelical church that's just way too full of itself. I left and went out to the car and the only piece of paper I could write on was labeled "to do." Enjoy. To Do Find God outside the trappings of human emotions Beyond the high-tech, high-energy dance of the modern, Western church Past the manipulative music that plays when we pray and the

the strangest direction

2007-04-26T23:23:00.000-04:00

I thought I had my future figured out. I was going to dual-enroll in two community colleges here in NC, get my AS in Dietetics mostly through online classes, put my kids in a great private school (dependent upon scholarship) and work part-time there doing something or another. After I got my degree, I would go ahead and move somewhere or another. Life was going to be great but I had NO peace. So

it's all in your head, part 1

2007-04-22T10:15:00.000-04:00

Before I post, I'm going to link you to one of my favorite videos. Yes it's Napoleon Dynamite-esque at first but just keep watching.OK, so it's time to tell y'all about something nutty that's happened to us. Read on and you will probably think I'm making it up.My older kids, Tater and Bean, were "selected" for an outreach program. The principal of the school came to me herself and said she

things that pop into my head

2007-04-22T10:10:00.000-04:00

You know that old saying about women with dyed hair? the one "Do the drapes match the carpet?"If a woman has a Brazilian wax, what would be the answer? She has linoleum?(if the woman has a crew-cut, I suggest she refer to the hair on her head as mini-blinds)

Lessons Learned

2007-04-17T15:19:00.000-04:00

Things I learned on my big vacation:Norwich, Connecticut has the largest number of "Slow Children" according to the amount of signs we saw.Enfield, Connecticut has way too many road signs declaring "Drug free zone!"Every driveway in Chelmsford, Massachusetts is a "blind drive." (The poor drives! Can't something be done? seeing-eye drives?)If you must be stuck in traffic in New York, it will be

goodbyes stink

2007-04-10T23:22:00.000-04:00

You know how you see someone and you have this big imagined happy goodbye in your head?But then when it comes time, you never even get out what you wanted to say in the first place, and the last image they get of you is your ugly about-to-cry face?Oh, you don't? Forget it, then.goodbyes suck, especially when nothing is ever resolved before you say them.

...and sometimes things go wrong, but they're good anyway

2007-04-10T02:00:00.000-04:00

Things that have gone wrong in the past day, and how they're OK:1. My cellphone stopped working, which is just awful on a roadtrip when it's my ONLY way to get in touch with people. Add to that Alltel doesn't exist in this part of the country so there's no way to get it fixed. How this is OK: Dinner with Thresher friends would've been canceled if they'd been able to contact me. As it was, we went

Sometimes things go right

2007-04-08T20:36:00.000-04:00

I'm typing this from a friend's house in Massachusetts, where the kids and I have been spending the day. We arrived yesterday after a busy and stressful time trying to get through Charlotte airport. I was starting to question my decision about taking this vacation, but once we got settled into our seats on the plane, I felt I did the right thing.Yay to US Air for employing possibly the best, most

we interrupt this semi-amusing blog for a serious moment

2007-03-19T23:35:00.000-04:00

I promise I'll blog as my usual sarcastic, sorta witty self in the next entry. But I've got a rant and it ain't about Nickelback.Last night I was invited to a church to watch Facing the Giants, a film involving football and faith (two cultural phenoma the South would be lost without). I must compliment the filmmakers for the fine job they did. Honestly, I was surprised that the actors in the film

my strength and my song

2007-03-14T01:10:00.000-04:00

I visited my former pastor today. He has gone through terrible circumstances in the past few years, events which finally led to the death of his beautiful wife in November 2006, of cancer. This man has watched his wife suffer -- and he suffered along with her. And now he suffers alone. Truly, this man is someone I can look at and KNOW that he knows sorrow and loneliness like few other American "

rant: nickelback

2007-02-18T19:54:00.000-05:00

Oddly, Nickelback keeps coming up in my conversations, which is somewhat impressive because I avoid them as much as possible. Thankfully, I have found that I am not the only one. A recent conversation while driving around had me chuckling. It went something like this.me: they're playing blocks of music. If they play Nickelback, I will have to hurt someone.notme: If they play Nickelback, I will

funny stuff

2007-02-11T11:46:00.001-05:00

I've just discovered this hilarious artist named Anne Taintor. After looking at her magnets on amazon.com, I decided to go to her website and I've been chuckling all morning. She takes vintage advertisements and injects a little modern humor. The part I found MOST interesting was the Taintorettes, elderly women who had found their photos being used in her artwork. Have a look, have a laugh.

My birthday surprise!

2007-02-09T19:39:00.000-05:00

Remember when I said someone gave me a really big huge surprise on my birthday?Well, THIS was it!That's right, folks. I got invited to go to a Morrissey concert in Pasadena, California. And somehow, by God's grace, some hard work and a bit of sheer luck, I managed to get there. :) My friends R & C loved on my children for a couple of days. They also hosted all of us two nights earlier than

the more things change

2007-01-30T21:55:00.001-05:00

Over the past few months, I have had the chance to make things right with my friend, Rae. We hadn't REALLY been friends since 1993 or so, soon after I met my husband. Yet oddly it seems like no time passed. Here's sort of a stream-of-consciousness thing I was writing about my recent birthday visit with her. *FLASH* Rae and I are at her moms' house, jockeying for space in the bedroom mirror as we

The better birthday

2007-01-16T00:49:00.000-05:00

The day after my previous blog entry, on my REAL birthday, I got to get away and be myself for a while. My parents watched Tater and Peanut and a friend watched Punkin and Bean for the weekend. I went to visit my oldest and dearest friend in scenic Columbia, SC (that's the state capital, if you're trying to remember what you learned in 5th grade). Friday night we went out to eat Mexican, had a

I always hated the beach

2007-01-07T10:58:00.000-05:00

Amusingly enough, I've started the South Beach Diet. My mother lost a bunch of weight and was eventually employed by a competing weight-loss program so this is kind of a secret. I'm also in a place in my life where I just want ready-made menu plans that I can sort of work from, so South Beach online was just what I needed.I looked at the Zone and Atkins and (at the opposite end of the spectrum)

a strange fear gripped me

2007-01-04T09:14:00.000-05:00

Shyness is a sneaky thing and it even strikes extroverts on occasion.It struck me last night.Hopefully it was viewed as endearing instead of annoying.What makes people shy?